EVENING STAR & MORNING STAR: Twin novels ALT BD
by rosalindleconte
Summary: Bella's changing is not a choice: it is her destiny. She will rock the foundations of the mythical world. MATURE: situations, sexuality, agnst, horror, parapsych phenom, medical detectives. Get kleenex-trust me...
1. The Meadow

DISCLAIMER: This originial FanFiction novel is based on the world and characters created by Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" saga.

Chapter 1: Meadow

_Under the summer roses  
When the flagrant crimson  
Lurks in the dusk  
Of the wild red leaves,  
Love, with little hands,  
Comes and touches you  
With a thousand memories,  
And asks you  
Beautiful, unanswerable questions._

_Carl Sandburg Under the Harvest Moon_

* * *

I didn't even notice the raindrops stinging my face as we sped through the forest. Cradled in his arms, I was entirely preoccupied: I could have sworn I could feel his silent heart beating with mine. The pounding of my pulse proclaimed the thrilling news of our engagement. He looked at me longingly and I blushed with the idea that this exquisite, generous, and loving man has chosen me to be at his side, forever_…what more happiness could this or any life promise?_

Edward stepped out of the forest and onto the wide expanse of green. The sweeping lawn that stretched from the Cullen's blue stone patio to the tree line and down to the river was a long lush carpet glimmering with dew under the twilight sky. The light rain settled into a gentle fog, painting the scene with mysterious diaphanous clouds swirling up from the warm earth.

It was a truly magical night.

Within the limits of my all too human sight, I could almost see to the house where Alice was darting about like a dragonfly, completely unhinged with excitement; and utterly incapable of containing her pixie delight. The patio was illuminated by a multitude of candles. A hauntingly beautiful melody wafted outside from the piano. _I often wonder how she manages to manufacture such perfection on short notice._ The whole family gathered in a beehive of activity on the patio. From the looks of things, they were preparing for a celebration.

My heart sunk.

"She's told them…" I grumbled softly with a bitter disappointment that threatened to deflate my emotional high.

_Even though I had made such a fuss about not wanting to get married at all I couldn't wait to share my excitement. I was a little miffed to be robbed of the thrill of announcing our engagement to the world…._

I know Alice would never purposefully intrude on our intimacy, but judging by the lilting steps of the entire clan as they gathered to rendezvous with us mid field, our surprise was not a surprise to anyone. Edward's sheepish silence confirmed my suspicions. The news was out.

My face screwed up in annoyance as I considered two theories. Either she could not resist the temptation to sneak a peek or her vision was strong enough to break through any artificial wall of diversion she could devise. I just don't see how a little thing like an engagement ring could be more interesting than translating the Qur'an into Mandarin sign language. But then again, Alice is easily distracted by shiny objects.

_Of course I understood that Alice's visioning was largely involuntary, but at times like these, my sister's psychic gift was quite inconvenient. _

What I didn't understand was how Edward seemed completely unphased by the anticlimactic announcement? I would have thought that he more than I would be disappointed about the leak of our surprise. Maybe he was used to this sort of thing. Alice made it apparent that the concept of 'private time' didn't exist in her universe and her clairvoyant gifts, as formidable as his, were unavoidable. So, he generally just made the best of it, using her ability to his advantage when she could manage it.

_Was it possible that… did Edward tell her? _

"After we are married, I sure hope she finds something that sufficiently occupies that mind of hers at least _occasionally_..." I whispered seductively in his ear, painting his long lovely neck with kisses. Unskilled in seduction as I was, however, I wanted to be sure he'd gotten my meaning. For emphasis of my salacious intent, my lips wound their way to his earlobe, my eyes squinted tightly as a wide smile bared my teeth and without so much as a pause, they sunk somewhat forcefully into his flesh.

I regretted biting him almost instantly. In hindsight, it was a pretty stupid thing to do. An overly-quick reaction or leap of surprise could have sent me flying through the air and landing me in the hospital—if I was lucky, of course! I could have broken my front teeth on his marble skin! Worse yet, it never occurred to me that this playful action could have pushed him over the edge and I could have been half way to transformation on the night of my engagement!

_But nothing happened; everything was fine, well, as fine as it could be considering I had just bitten my vampire fiancé. _

The stillness was unbearable. His hands were balled up, fists pressed severely against his thighs in a posture that seemed more like bottled rage than passion. His eyes were averted. I feared he was hiding the fact that the butterscotch irises of happiness were now clouded by the black onyx of thirst. I floated between panic and worry because I had violated his carefully prescript boundaries which afforded him sufficient control to maintain my safety. The sight of his body reeling with shock and disbelief at my biting him was unbearable. I was horrified at my own stupidity to have mindlessly dared to cross such a taboo.

Yet, on another level, twisted as it is, I have to admit I was enjoying the whole absurd situation. I did not like causing him pain of course, but it was the unprecedented nature of his surprise that captivated me. The mere fact that he, Edward Cullen, the great clairvoyant and master of "mind over matter" could be so utterly done in by an unexpected human…nibble.?

I was enormously proud of myself and of him as well. It was fun to see him react so… _humanly_. At least it was fun for me.

At _first_…

After the horror of what I had done passed over us like a blazing rocket, Edward was entirely consumed with a lusty revenge fueled by the specific nature of my indiscretion. A low persistent growl rumbled in his chest as he taunted me, delicately fingering a stray curl from my face.

"Bella, are you sure you want to play like that…with _me_?"

The black velvet monotone shimmered with a menacing delight. I blinked repeatedly as his words sunk into my consciousness. His eyes glared with onyx depthhorror, which was entirely understandable—his venom was aroused by my assault. A heavy, unmistakable scent of danger lingered. Then, in a moment of surreal horror, his pink tongue emerged tentatively to lick his thin lips.

I was terrified of the monster I saw before calculating my demise. I was filled with a sense of impending doom. Fight or flight. .?

I should have remembered from extensive personal experience that running away from a vampire who is intent on capturing you is not only a statistical impossibility, it is a grave tactical error. Moreover, it is a futile waste of energy.

I ran, nonetheless, hoping to evade capture and his inevitable retaliation. My personal mantra was chanting in my head: _Nothing is impossible…_

He chased me, of course, though it hardly worth the effort of contest. He enjoyed toying with me, building up a false hope of getting away, playing with me, like teasing a kitten with a ball of string. Edward knew me so well he easily played on all the primal of monsters that fed my fears of such creatures-- his eyes ogling out of their sockets like a cartoon villain and his perfectly white teeth snapping at me like a turtle. I squealed like a little girl each time he came close to trapping me, but each time he condescendingly allowing me to wriggle out of his grasp just to delay the inevitable.

"What's the matter Bella, don't you want to _play_..?" His pouting was diabolical.

_Emmett was right. Edward did enjoy playing with his food._

Finally, it was time to end the charade of my escape. Once the decision was made to end the game, he easily scooped me up into his arms and he tackled me to the ground—taking great care to protect me the crushing weight of his body against the wet grass.

_Edward enjoyed chasing me. Lucky for me I enjoy being caught…by him._

We must have looked like recess on the playground—chasing each other in circles, out in the middle of the field in the rain, rolling around in the wet grass after he tackled me, howling with laughter and delight. We certainly weren't behaving like two young adults preparing to announce their betrothal.

_But we didn't care. We were in love. We were going to be married. That all that matters._

The fog slowly passed into the night as we lay there in the grass, laughing, kissing, and watching the stars peeking out overhead. I was moved once again by the staggering reality that in my average, not very special way, I had discovered my destiny. I have found the best myself I can be in the love of a magnificent and beautiful man who wanted to make me his bride for all eternity.

_I never stop wondering: what does he see in me?_

Brushing off the bits of debris clinging to our clothes, we meandered a bit, admiring the night and each other, hand in hand, not really covering any ground towards meeting the family.

"They are coming to greet us…" He whispered delicately in my ear and took my hand, pulling me along .

Without warning, a silent alarm in my heart sounded and my feet abruptly halted in place, refusing to go forward. Darkness settled in my brow, quickly spreading over my face. Aware of my abrupt pause, but not the reason behind it, Edward squeezed my hand gently to coax me forward into the fray.

"Don't worry, love,' Edward prodded. "They won't _bite_."

For emphasis, he pronounced the word with altogether too many vowels…His dead pan delivery made his statement all the more incorrigible. He was quite pleased with himself and he chuckled to himself.

"Not funny, Edward…." I said, sarcastically, not really enjoying his teasing me on a subject all to close to home, especially as my mood had so radically changed direction. "…not funny, at all!"

My words trailed off into silence as my attention faded and I walked a few steps away, searching my thoughts for the source of my unexplained anxiety.

"Oh, I see," he said with mock injustice in his tone, "you are allowed to bite me, but if I want to play…"

He was surprised when I didn't respond to his provocation and he backed away from the game, seeing that another emotion had taken center stage in my mind. He genuinely felt bad that he had hurt me feelings. To soothe me, he kissed the back of my hand, knowing it was just such gallantry that would earn him instantaneous forgiveness for any offense. When his cool lips parted from the kiss, he could not help but admire the sight of his mother's ring on my finger, and he brushed his thumb lovingly over the stones. With elegance and flattery intended to rekindle the spirit of joy, he played as a courtly suitor, bowing low as his offered his sincere apology, my hand, cradled in his like a precious bird, received an extended kiss.

"Oh, mademoiselle," he intoned in magnificent Parisian French, "what a lucky man it is that has persuaded you to become an honest woman…!"

His excitement had taken on a new spirit of a dangerous liaison. He still wanted to play. It was so unlike him, yet it was more unlike me to pass up the invitation to surrender to his charms which are normallyalways so irresistible.

"Bella?" he said, quietly trying to draw me out of the silence.

I didn't mean to ignore him. That was never my intention. In fact, my brain was somehow so completely occupied elsewhere, though I wasn't sure exactly where, I didn't notice his concern. I was preoccupied with the thought that had yet to form completely in my mind. I tried to smile but was sure my face twisted at best into a lemony grimace.

"Bella, darling…?" he felt compelled to repeat his call, thinking perhaps I didn't hear him.

He was as confused as I was by my unexplained hesitance, my mini withdrawal, and my apparent unwillingness to answer his question. Already in overdrive from the evenings events and perplexed by the sudden shift in my mood, Edward tried to explain away my decent from levity to concern. Frantic, he began searching for a clue to unlock whatever random thought was buzzing through my head that had the power to stop me in my tracks.

"Are you alright?" his concern was escalating to worry, lingering only a short step shy of fear. "Is there something wrong?"

Even after his second question I found I couldn't respond as I was somehow lost in my head. My face was quiet, a blank expression masking my conflicting feelings. I was mute. I looked in his face but my mouth did not move. I could not think.

"Bella, tell me what you are thinking?" he begged with all the dignity he could muster, though it didn't help him feel any better.

His majestic face twinkled faintly the fading light, but his butterscotch eyes declared he was afraid. Looking dreamily into my eyes, hoping I suppose to find there a way inside my head, he studied me with a growing anxiety, terrified of what he would find there if he could only gain access to my thoughts. I touched my palm to his face, squeezing his cheek and smiled weakly.

"Bella, please, you are scaring me. What is going on? Bella!"

_How it tortured him that the one person who could completely hide from his scrutiny was the only person he desired to know most of all!! If there was one magical gift I could grant I would willingly give him the one thing he desired more than any other. Since he already had the key to my heart I would give him the key to my mind. Maybe he would be able to help me sort things out when I had trouble doing so?_

It must have been an excruciating time for him, both maddening and frustrating, waiting for his suddenly mute fiancé to regain the capacity for speech. Hot tears instantly appeared and rolled over my crimson cheek unabashedly confirming there was trouble ahead. He was determined to find out why I stopped short of our destination and what horror in my head had stolen my voice. In emotional agony, he summoned the courage to ask the question he feared more than any other. With dread, he whispered the unthinkable.

"Darling," he said, involuntarily stammering, "…have you changed your mind?"

His velvet voice trembled, the words instantly dissolving into the wetness of the night. My eyes darted to see his face. Suddenly, filled with horror, the sound of his voice and the image of his pain, the present here-and-now reality instantly pulled me out from my daydream.

_I gasped, "What have I done!"_

"Oh Edward, NO!" I cried emphatically. "no, no…oh, my darling, I am so sorry" I said, trying to reassure him, drawing him close to me, wrapping by arms around his neck, utterly embarrassed by cruel self absorption, plying him with soft kisses of penance.

"Oh, …good," he huffed with a deep sigh of relief, "I was so afraid that you…"

_There was no way to complete that sentence; he just couldn't form the cruel words._

I felt terrible. I held his face in my hands, running my fingers through his hair. I had made him frantic and I hadn't even noticed. _What a beast I am!_

"shhhh," I tried to soothe him, "No, baby,…its nothing like that!"

_Every second of every day, Edward lived in fear of causing me pain and yet I seemed to be destined to cause him to suffer repeatedly from my many human frailties. I stumbled in my emotions and just couldn't find the words to express myself. I had inadvertently tortured him with my self absorption and silence. _

_What had I ever done to deserve him? _

My down-cast eyes inadequately masked my confusion and did nothing to resolve his worry over my reluctance to move forward. He deserved an explanation. I was not entirely sure I had one to give, but I managed to fumble through a woefully inadequate response.

"It is just that…" I stumbled before I started, "oh, I don't _know_…"

Fresh tears tangled in a heavy sigh of self pity. I longed to find the words to salve the injury I had made, the words that he sought so hungrily that would ease his doubt. He was so beautiful in his anguish that I could not help but touch his temple to brush away the furrow of his brow. Although twisted in tension, his eyes peered down with love that simultaneously consumed my reason and elevated my spirit. I smiled, knowing that I didn't deserve the momentary pleasure of his gaze.

"_I will never understand what you see in me, Edward_." I thought almost aloud.

"Look at me, Bella." He pulled me by the shoulders, his tortured eyes scanning very aspect of my expression for a hint of what lies beneath. He pitifully begged for mercy.

"Whatever it is, please, tell me before I collapse…I beg you, tell me what is wrong?" His pitiable state overwhelmed me with guilt for the agony that I caused I did not understand myself.

_How could I put this moment into words? How could I explain to him that I was afraid that the vast joy of expectation we shared right now would be soon dashed by the reality of life creeping in…Oh, how I wanted the magic to last! _

_Every second of every moment I wanted to bottle and hold forever like a treasure so that I would never leave this meadow, this feeling! Even though time was fleeting, and all memories fade, this was our moment of triumph, the moment we had both longed for, the moment when we would proclaim to the world that we wanted to be together…forever. And now that it was here, it was slipping away. With every step the Cullen clan drew closer across the field, I knew that very soon this precious wisp of time will be displaced, lost in the sea of emotion and the chaos of wedding-making._

"I just want to savor our moment, Edward, you know… _before_…" My voice trailed off, not quite sure if anything could begin to explain my confusion. "…you know…".

He was exasperated to madness; "No, I don't know! …before _what_, Bella?" He held me by the shoulders trying to connect with my averted, slightly embarrassed face, frantically trying to catch the fat tears that rolled slowly off my chin.

"It seems silly to say it out loud," I sniffled, wishing that I had been a better able to disguise these kinds of things and angry with myself for being so obtuse and such a baby simultaneously. I could not look in his face.

"I think…well, maybe… I just don't want to share yet!" The excuse was empty, but honest.

I sounded like a two-year old and then to complete the picture, I pouted, which only reinforced my vision of childishness. I struggled unsuccessfully to overcome my character flaw which threatened the happiest day of my life.

"I don't want to let it go, Edward! I don't want to lose…this _feeling_ I have right now. I want to hold onto it forever. I don't want it to go away, and I know it will be lost when all _the craziness_ begins…and then, I'm afraid, I will forget what I feel right now…that's all."

Sheepishly, I buried my face in his chest and held on tightly, hoping against hope that he would not turn and run away from the craziest human on the planet whom he stupidly proposed to and was now stuck with for all eternity.

"I am a selfish, greedy, utterly unworthy human. I am sorry…"

But instead of condemnation, a tender sympathy enveloped him and he smiled sweetly, perhaps in admiration of my naïveté. As he held my face close to his, my hot cheeks scalding his cool palms, his sad eyes fading into a twinkling delight, his words caressed my fears and soothed my agitation.

"Oh, my sweet Bella" he said as he pulled me close to take my mouth into his, "Don't you know, that it is my job to never let you forget—for always?"

A new volley of tears tumbled out, my pursed lids relaxed with his understanding and his unconditional love cradled me in kindness. Our lips met softly at first, and then pressing with driving intent. Our passion, melding the fire and ice of our connection, pushed almost to the edge of the fervent hunger that we mutually longed to satiate. My pounding heart paused unnaturally and I gasped for want of oxygen.

As he stood in contemplation of the hyper-sensitivity of his bride, he stroked my cheek with his tops of his long cool fingers. I melted into his steady protection and sighed contentedly to be relieved of the burden of my emotional tension. His touch alone washed away my fears, his kiss stole my capacity for speech, but his promise was the greatest gift of all….his promise to love me forever no matter how stupid I am—this is a priceless gift, indeed.

I should have kept my mind focused on his mouth, but once again I failed him. Even without superhuman perception Edward knew what I was thinking. My face expresses too much, giving away what I most wanted to hide. The fanciful idea to extend this moment as long as possible, quickly popped like a balloon when my thoughts drifted. My mind was flooded with images of the chaos the next few weeks would bring. Alice's planning for our wedding would be thorough and spectacular, but would certainly entail countless tortured moments. As I was assaulted with bridal horrors that awaited me, I surrendered my resistance.

"Well," I sighed with resignation, "I guess I have been through a lot worse, _right_?

My voice was grim with the memories best forgotten, thoughts entirely inappropriate for this moment—while passionately kissing my fiancé under the stars on the evening of our engagement. I half-heartedly mumbled, "I guess I can handle it…for one day, right?"

Although what I said was perfectly accurate, my words created a new opportunity to hurt him. _I didn't mean that I thought our wedding was something to be 'endured' like a trial, but I fear it came out that way._ If he was insulted, he didn't let on.

"Oh, yes…it will be crazy, of course, you are right." Edward's cool mouth, tripping lazily along my collar bone, successfully dispelled the tidal wave of anxiety, if only momentarily. His kisses, marked with a perfumed waft of my personal ambrosia, burned hot against my skin.. "But it's wonderful too, don't you think?"

My hopelessly romantic fiancé's eyes peered deeply into mine. His long black lashes batted softly on my cheek. I giggled—he was tickling me with his butterfly kisses. "I can't wait to see you…my bride." He beamed. "I have dreamt of that moment…"

_There were no straight answers, but there would be no debate: nothing but craziness will follow the announcement of our impending wedding in little more than a month. _

_There will be the obvious small town/small minded and sordid rumors that we 'had to' get married. Being the Chief's daughter and Doctor Cullen's son, the social pressures to include all the_ _good citizens Forks in every celebration will be suffocating. To pull off a wedding worthy of Alice's approval, there was a lot of work to be done in a very short period of time. The madness of extravagance and the endless days of bridal insanity with Alice in the lead were assured. I was exhausted already! There was also the minor matter of facing my parents who I expect will either drop dead, start a war, and/or kill me on the spot. Finally, the mountain of wedding planning brings closer the shadow of events to follow the wedding: my changing._

_I shuttered, anxiety overwhelming my already stressed out body…and we haven't even told anybody yet! _

But once again the diversion of Edward's kiss was insufficient to have a lasting effect on my mood.affect. If my sweaty palms were not enough of a clue, certainly the body tension that gripped me must have tipped him off to the fact that I was obsessing again on the ordeal that lay ahead of us. As distracting and inviting as he was, even Edward could only provide a momentary respite from the wedding machine and he knew it.

"You know…." he mused, nuzzling his face into my collar bone, sending me into another fit of ticklish giggles. "My _original_ proposal still stands,…" he whispered hauntingly, his cool tongue tracing the crevices he found there. "We could be in Vegas by morning," he murmured invitingly, "…find a little wedding chapel… just you, me, and _Elvis_."

"I love it when you laugh at your own jokes." I interjected, but he didn't break his rhythm.

"…you could wear these fabulously well-tailored blue jeans", he said, tugging on my belt loops to press my hips suggestively against his.

"We could do _it_…" his eyebrows curled, impressed with his own innuendo and a little moan slipped out me on a fast gasp for air.

His electric touch pushed my already hyper sensitized brain almost to the edge of reason. His delicious sweet breath was a cool breeze delightfully dancing over me . His tongue dangerously traced the route of my pounding pulse and the play of his teeth so near to my blood created a whirl-wind, the opposing emotions of fear and desire that left me breathless. I could scarcely concentrate on his words.

"Let's get married—tonight!" He said with great enthusiasm. I believed his invitation was entirely earnest, although I was more interested in my body's response to his discovery of my desire than anything he was talking about. I wanted him so much I could taste it.

"Vegas or Reno, whatever…we'll get one of those motels…a heart shaped bed?…a champagne-glass hot tub ?" His uncharacteristic manic exuberance could not be restrained, not even for this the most harebrained of wedding schemes.

_Now who is going off the deep end, eh?_

"I can't believe you!" shocked back to my senses with the image of Edward in one of these tacky places and I began to protest in earnest, pushing him away from me. But before I could adequately register my feelings, I was sidetracked by something so absolutely unexpected that even Alice's visions could not have foreseen this as possible..

Right there, in the middle of the field, as his family was approaching en masse, Edward knelt at my feet and serenaded me. He was having a field day… He was deadly serious in his invitation and in his song. It was too much.

"_Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice" _he sang at the top of his lungs …_Welcome to the Hotel California_…"

_I never realized Edward harbored an inner rock star. _

"You are completely absurd!" I squealed, barely able to keep from screaming in laughter at this obvious display of post-engagement psychosis.

"I dunno," he said, trying to sound hip and casual, "…sounds pretty romantic to _me_?" He purred extravagantly, whisking me off the ground in a dizzying spin, he continued unabashedly, once again crying out in a loud voice.

"_we are all just prisoners here,… of our own device…"_

I had to smile, not just at the gross solution he proposed or his highly suspect choice of song, but I delighted to witness his complete surrender to wedding madness.

"Don't you like my song? Oh well, let me see…" He began to hum softly his new favorite songs of twisted romance, inappropriate for the moment, perhaps, but definitely entertaining.

"_I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight, with a million stars all around….I get a peaceful easy feeling…"_

_He is nothing but adorable when he is trying so hard to make me laugh._

"And when did you start listening to the Eagles?" I enquired haughtily. Surely changing speech patterns was one thing, but listening to modern music…that was shocking behavior and another obvious sign of how his association with me was corrupting him.

"It was on your Ipod…so, it has to be good." His eyes were wide with wonder. I had to laugh out loud. The hyperbole of his innocence was completely adorable. Tonight, Edward was in rare form; shifting emotional gears smoother than Alice's Porsche, skating effortlessly from one ridiculous idea to the next. I loved it when he gave in to his inner teenager.

"If I didn't know better, Edward, I'd say you been drinking!" I scolded him in mock contempt. It was so rare that I was given the opportunity to be the adult I relished shaking my finger at him. But he was quick to turn the tables on me.

"If I am drunk, my darling," he whispered, turning my face to meet his gaze, his cool fingers softly lingering on my cheek. "It is because I am intoxicated by _you_."

In his welcoming embrace, captivating me with his sweet scent, he was relentless in pursuit of the dissolution of my stress. It was working, too. I virtually forgotten what was troubling me, so engrossed I was in his shenanigans.

"I hope that Carlisle has his bag with him…you need to be sedated…" I sneered with false seriousness.

Secretly, I was more than delighted to see my darling, husband-to-be, practically levitating in the rapture that I always felt since he came into my life. Rising from his knees, he pulled me closer, his fingers lashed in exposed belt loops and his hypnotic stare dazzling me with the magnetic pull of his presence, I found myself slipping easily into his arms, and once again, I was reminded how I am eternally breathless with desire for him.

"How's about it, Bella? He cocked his head back and forth like a cocker spaniel

"Vegas? …Maybe Reno would be better…?"

_Although, it was tempting to run away, my feeling on the matter was absolutely clear, non negotiable and all together surprising._

"Not a chance, Edward." I said. My eyes scowled, mocking a growl of discontent, as if I felt he was trying to back out of the bargain. "Not a chance in the world. It's the whole package, or nothing."

He had no self control to reign in his feelings. I think he was afraid I would take him up on the expedient, if tacky, alternative wedding plan. He tried to not seem too smug in his victory, but smug he was…I wanted a wedding and I would be his bride.

I was more surprised than he. I knew how much the wedding meant to him and I was not going to deny him the pleasure of human experience it would bring. And then there was Alice to consider—if we ran away, would she decide to go square dancing with a wood chipper or she would hunt me down and kill me first. And then what about Charlie and Renee? The argument to convince them we are grown up enough to be married was not going to be helped if we ran away to Vegas.

_No, a wedding it must be._

"Oh, ok…my darling, we'll do it _your _way, then…since it means that much to _you_." He tried to suppress his glee as he smiled sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

"It does." I sighed with all seriousness. "If we are getting married, we will do it the right way. _Nothing less_. That is what I want."

I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and pulled him closer and simply affirmed the revelation of my feelings about the wedding. No matter what might happen, there was little chance of masking his delight and I had no interest in trying. We took a few steps, the mist of the evening's fog building a wall, obscuring the house from view; the candle light diffusing into a mysterious haze.

"Well, well,…," he said down shifting from his mania, "… it appears we have overcome our impasse and we have a successful _resolution_ to our predicament!"

He clapped his hands, rubbing them conspiratorially.

"The only question that remains is…are you ready to _face the music_?" A nod of his head indicated what he meant—the Cullen's were fast approaching and the time had come to face our family.

"Resolution—are you kidding me?" I whispered in a fury almost inaudibly. "We are starting a _revolution_!

"Never fear, mademoiselle" he said with fortitude, bowing graciously, "I will protect you!" I could almost see the cape floating in the wind. He stood with his hands on his hips like a very beautiful Captain America.

"I am serious Edward…what have you got to worry about? You're bullet proof."

Although I wanted to convey to him my strong conviction that confronting my parents with the news of my upcoming wedding would be infinitely more dangerous than fighting off an army of newborn vampires; however my intuition told me this was neither the time nor place. The Cullen's were almost here.

Out of a wall of fog which rolled and bounced as if it were alive they emerged like a corps of warriors crossing a field of battle. In their tight formation, I was surprised to see the pairs walking hand in hand. Although their admiration and care for each other were seen in every interaction they had, I had never before seen this kind of physical and intimate personal connections between them—as couples. They carried a golden torches whose candle flames burned brightly through antique glass globes. The light cast an amber glow that was both ancient and mysterious.

It was a strange and breathtaking sight.

Clad in heavy silk robes reminiscent of shogun samurai, they surrounded us. A different color palate guided the decoration of each individual's garment. I would learn later that the heraldic colors were ripe with meaning. The decorations were intricate, lavishly embroidered with symbols and scenes. I could not see the details in the dim candlelight, but standing as a group, even in the dark, the seemed like ancient warriors from another era and place.

The odd circumstances of this meeting did not perturb him; he seemed perfectly at ease, yet I sensed something important was about to happen. At, but at the time, I had no idea I was about to be the centerpiece of a sacred ritual gathering which was enacted only on the most momentous occasions. It is rare that a coven initiates a new member or celebrates a betrothal. Tonight, we would be celebrating twice.

Esme held in her arms a robe of the most exquisite white silk and she enveloped me in its delicate folds. A magnificent bird, embroidered in red and gold emblazoned the shoulders. "Come, Bella." As Alice and Rose helped me undress with speed, Esme soothed my anxiety by offering me some details. She lead me on to the answer before I even saw the embroidery.

"Your avatar is the phoenix, the sign of rebirth and resurrection." She explained, taking particular care arranging the luscious folds, "It is a talisman of protection…for your changing, the red of course is the miracle of your blood running even now among us…and the gold, well, you are more than precious, Bella. And of course, the butterflies of transformation… On the breast, is your flower, can you guess? "

My smile sparked with instant recognition. _Freesia.Fresia._

She nodded, knowing I knew. "I think it is perfect for you…" she said, with a tinge of concern, offering a graceful escape, "I do hope you like it."

In a flash of intuition, I knew that Esme had lovingly made this gown just for me. "Oh, Esme, thank you, it is more than beautiful." She smiled again knowing that I understood that she had painstakingly created this masterpiece in anticipation of this very moment.

Once the robe was in place, she constructed the obi, the wide sash tied tightly at the waist which held the gown in place. It reminded me of Edward's strong embrace. I would learn later that the sash is the symbol of the binding that ties us together; intricately woven like the obi we are strong, balanced, and unified.

Though it would take hours of close inspection to examine the mythology of the details of the embroidery, and to discover the symbolic meanings the elements for the individual members of the family, the colors selection was easy to understand.

As the women fussed over my gown, Esme quickly offered me a lesson in the symbols and heraldic colors. "The colors of my robe represent affinity to the natural world, the harmony in mother earth and her attraction to the nurturing power of her maternal love," she said.

The choice could not have been better suited to her. Carlisle's color was blue, representing the depth of both the sea and the sky, and symbolized his wisdom, faith in the truth, and sincerity. There could be no doubt that Alice's sunshine yellow robe reflected her exuberant spirit, the energetic glow boundless enthusiasm and her fierce dedication. Equally appropriate was the scarlet that spoke of Jasper's connection to the fire of his blood, his courage in the face of danger and the intensity of his capacity to love.

As I listened intently to Esme, I was amazed at how well the colors each captured the wearer and how the partners seemed to complement each other. Orange, the color of harvest and abundance, absolutely belonged to Emmett, even before I found out it was associated with the strength and endurance. Rosalie was regal in her purple combining the stability of blue with the energy of red, it symbolized the adoration of her radiant beauty, power, and the extravagance of luxury, fierce independence and magic

I smiled to realized only the color black remained and there was only one Cullen left to dress. Black which represents formality, mystery, and elegance; it is a duality of nature, as it brings symbols of death and grief as well as prestige and power. There could be no other color to express Edward's being.

_I learned later that the robes were presented only at the time of commitment to the coven and although technically it could be thought of as premature for me to be accepted as I had not yet made the change, it was unanimously decided that this fact was inconsequential. I belonged to them whether or not I was one of them. _

_When I heard this, I wept. _

But at the time, I was overwhelmed by the depth of symbols and of the richness of the family rite that I stumbled upon, been welcomed to join, and now, into which I am ready to belong. I could not express myself, jumbled emotions bouncing into one another and my poor human mind, limited in scope in so many ways, struggled to keep up. I wanted to breathe it all in and hold it captive so I would not miss a nuance of meaning.

"Esme," I called her attention and she opened her lovely eyes to me. I realized just then how infrequently I had ever exchanged, ever looked into her eyes—I am sure it had to be related to blood lust, perhaps she never wanted me to see her thirst. I hardly ever thought about Esme in that way—as a creature with thirst.

"Esme, how can I tell you how much I am grateful that you take care of me in this and so many ways?" She smiled as memories flooded her with the moments we had found together. My voice, swimming with emotion did not waiver, "I love you, Esme, my mother.." She trembled as we embraced.

Carlisle'sCarlyle's warm and resonant voice broke the silence of the night narrating the ritual as it unfolded around me like a blossoming flower, floating aloft in the fog and the dappled light of the moon.

"We meet here this night, in the field of our fathers, to acknowledge, celebrate, and bless the sacred union of Isabella Marie Swan and Edward Masen Cullen on the occasion of their betrothal. It is good that we make this time, in this sacred place, to acknowledge also the admittance of one to our fraternal circle and to invite her to the initiation of our circle of light."

"We come to honor infinite mystery of the eternal union we share. To remind us of our oneness and the bonds that connect us."

"We come in thanksgiving to celebrate the many blessings of Isabella in our lives"

"We offer ourselves as caretakers for Isabella's spirit on her journey of initiation to our way of life."

"As we set aside ourselves in this time of prayer, joy and thanksgiving, we clothe ourselves in ceremonial garments. We are each a part of the light, a part of the one, and our energetic natures combine in the mystery of a circle of light."

"Each of us has brought the energy of color to the circle, each feeding into the unity of our singularity. And now, making our wheel of light complete, there is Isabella,"

Carlisle's words filled me with surprise and wonder. As if on cue, his speech seemed to directly answer my question.

"You, Isabella Swan, whose countenance could only speak of one color is the universe, our dearest Bella, you are the color of innocence, faith and goodness. You are the light of the world brought home to us, a hope for the future, an expression of perfection and purity in the human condition that we had not dreamed to find in our existence. Yet, in a depth of mystery that I cannot yet fathom, having fallen upon our secret you have accepted us and loved us unconditionally, without fear and without judgment. You are an embodiment of divine grace and we are all changed by your very presence here among us."

"Isabella, may this robe be a sign of your everlasting and eternal essence. May it express your essential nature in its symbols we your family see your soul.. Wear it as a symbol your place in our sacred circle and as a sign of our bond."

CarlisleCarlyle offered his hand to me, his glorious smile glowing with love, as he melted my heart with his words.

"We have waited for you, Bella. Now and forever, we rejoice that you are here."

Esme offered her hand to Edward, beaming with a bittersweet smile befitting the mother of the groom. They lead us to the center of the tight circle surrounding us.

Edward, dressed in his black silk kimono and white obi was bubbling with anticipation. He stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders. He squeezed lightly against the tension creeping up my neck as I confronted the unknowns of my future: marriage and vampires. I shrugged and kissed his fingers acknowledging his massaging caress; but I was too intent on reading the faces of the loving family that surrounded us to say anything to him.

"My children, sweet Isabella and dear Edward, the journey you have made together, fraught with peril of every incarnation, has brought you to this moment and has instilled in you the courage to look out into the unknown to dream together of a future to share in partnership. It is a time to put away childish things, to embrace a serious commitment to your love and to enter into that commitment with a clean and strong heart.

"It has been our joy to watch your love has grown in you and to witness how you have each grown in your love. "

"We marvel at the resiliency of your bond—a connection made so quickly, so absolutely, and so organically _human_."

_In the presence of the Cullen's to Cullens o be called 'human' was always a complement._

"We ask for blessings to shower down from the heavens and that in a darkened world the light of your love, a miracle in of itself, your love you share will be a beacon, a gift of light and healing to all the world."

I scanned their beautiful faces, hoping to find a hint of emotion in their expression. With the exception of Rosalie, who zealously argued her opposition to my choice to become like them but who had in recent days begun to come around to accept me, I absolutely understood that I was welcomed and I was wanted among them.

"Isabella, in your love for this man, might he find in himself a greater sense of who he is meant to be, so he may accept himselfwho he is, and embrace who he shall become, and thus be healed and made strong by your love."

"And so it is with you, Edward. Bella is God's gift to you. You are asked to love this woman so she may see she is created in perfection, beautiful, brave and true, that the entire world is so blessed by her power and presence. May she forever find peace in your arms and knowledge that there is one on whose love she can depend forever."

_It seemed as if the wind itself stirred thoughts in my head in an instant and I once again floated in the sea of enormity that was this most emotional moment of my life. Our wedding was made all the more important because it signaled that my changing was imminent. I wondered if I could truly be accepted as an equal because my path was so diametrically different than theirs. _

"May the angels dance between you and rejoice in your love so that the dance of life you do together and may all the world may be blessed hereby your example."love.

"May we who gather here today nurture this young love as it blossoms in the circle of light that surrounds them in preparation for the day of their wedding."

"May we all here gathered tonight recall the day of our union in the mystery of mating and in witnessing the birth of this mating we recall and rededicate ourselves to this glorious institution" Carlisle smiled at Esme whose face lit up with love.

"We pledge to journey with you as you commit before this family that from this moment you will live as one."

"Commitment to vow is central to our living and fundamental to our survival both as individuals, married partners and as a family unit. So, in preparation for your marriage union we commemorate here tonight yet another vow of dedication. We offer you Isabella a solemn vow of commitment as an equal member of our society."

"Isabella Marie Swan, is it your intention to seek membership in the fellowship of our coven?"

It is not that I wasn't prepared for the question, but it was certainly a surprise, and not for the obvious reasons. I suspected that there must be some formal vow made to become a a member of the coven. Their living together in harmony with the principles Carlisle had established demanded it. But after all that we had experienced together, the many trials that forever bound us one to another, this was a question I never expected to be formally asked. I had made my feelings known long ago. Yet, in the context of the ritual that was unfolding, I understood that it was vital to the ceremony.

"Bella…?" Edward prompted me to respond in my own words.

Swallowing the cascading emotions threatening to disrupt my breath and steal my voice, I summoned all my attention to respond intelligibly. I had not formally prepared and I worried that my response would be adequate, but preparation was not needed. My reply was formed intuitively and flowed from me without hesitation.

"Most gracious father, Carlisle, Esme, my loving mother, all my siblings, and my darling, Edward," I said, my voice ripe with conviction and affection, "in your family I have a home like no other, I have found my beloved, my destiny, and I have discovered a greater understanding of myself. It would be my greatest joy to be accepted as a part of your family and to dedicate myself to you."

"Isabella Marie Swan is it your intention to bring your spirit to our fraternity as an equal partner, to abide by the principles we have divined to keep from harm and to protect our way of being above all things? The vow of secrecy is primary to our safety. To jeopardize even in the simplest inadvertent slip is to endanger the family and our way of life. Against this we much protect ourselves above all. Are you prepared to accept this responsibility?"

"I am."

"Very well, Bella." Carlisle said glowing with happy resignation.

"Cradled in light, hope and faith you begin now your journey as an initiate to the society of our fellowship."

Edward drew me closer and whispered softly, "Don't be afraid, Bella. You are safe with us, now and always."

Startled and confused, I turned to face him, but was met with resistance from his firm hand. Before I could react, a white silk blindfold blocked my view. I was not afraid, but it was very disorienting to be thrust into the darkness. . I felt Edward's hands slip away leaving me in alone and exposed. In physical separation from him, I felt suddenly self conscious and slightly embarrassed by the intense gaze of so many eyes on me.

"Stand forth, Isabella Swan," Carlisle's voice called me into the circle and with tentative blind steps I turned toward his voice

"Come forward, Bella." My hands extended in front of me, stepping more boldly in blindness, and I found his welcoming arms waiting to receive me.

"As you prepare to enter our world you will encounter obstacles and challenges that will be true trials of your resolve. Draw strength from those who come before. Rely on those who endeavor to guide you."

A strange sensation devoured by confidence. I felt the earth spinning below my feet. I began to feel constrained in my arms and my legs. Suddenly, I could not move my hands, my arms, and then my legs. The air swirled around me with their scents mixing together. I was dizzy from the feeling that I struggled to identify.

_In darkness, my heart raced with the natural adrenaline response that was overtaking my body. I suffered two fears—I knew I was protected and surrounded by the ones I loved and trusted, yet I was still afraid; did that mean I didn't really trust them? And if I didn't trust them, how could I ever become an equal among them?_

Just as he spoke, I realized: I was being bound.

"We bind your hands, as a sign of your submission to the collective will. We bind your legs to root you to our path. We bind your body to bring you to your inner sanctum, your spirit guide within you will protect and guide you on the journey."

_I could heard Carlisle's words calling me from far away._

Though they could not penetrate these dark thoughts, my racing heart gave me away. I could not hide my feelings or fears and I guessed later that that was the point of surrender. There would be and could not be any secrets.

"We come to ask blessings for you from the one source of power to illuminate your path as you bond your life with ours."

With a gentle nudge, familiar hands at my waist to lead me around the circle, walking the circumference multiple times, many times, and each time changing direction vector and orientation. I have no control over my travel, I am at the mercy of the familiar hands guiding me. Soon, many cool fingers are lightly touching me from every angle directing me forward toward some unseen goal. They are the familiar hands of my family guiding my way in safety. When I faltered, they supported me and set me back on track.

"Bella, know that although troubles and challenges will bind you in struggle and fear, you will not bear these alone. You are born into a family, a net, a web of strength, where no one is alone."

Without any special reference to anchor me, I was completely lost disoriented by the constant movement. My head began to spin up with possibilities. The unexpected warning brought a pang of anxiety. Something was about to happen.

My body continued to fold in upon itself, wrapped in a cocoon, my knees drawn close to my face; a fetal position, yet, my body did not touch the ground. Even though I had not the freedom of movement, constricted as I was by the boundaries of my silken egg, I was buoyant, floating, supported by my family.

"May you always remember that in our vow, you are surrounded by helping hands, wisdom and counsel to help you navigate the unknown."

I felt the rhythm of his cool breath washing over me and Jasper's balm for tranquility as I rested, suspended in the safety of their supportive touch. What was only a moment ago a posture of fear and panic was now the deepest peace I had ever experienced.

_This is what it must be like to be in the womb…_

"We ask for blessings to shower upon you to protect and guide you; for strength and wisdom, patience and grace."

"Rooted in truth we join our hearts with yours: you are loved and you are cared for."

"As a family of individuals we have chosen to pledge our fidelity to each other and vow to abide by the governing principles that guide our family."

_I understood why Carlisle's language sounded more than just formal: this was a sacred ritual. A ritual reserved for bringing a newborn into the coven—an initiation?_

"By your presence, your unconditional acceptance of our unique fraternity and its precepts, and your dedication to protect us from harm, we rejoice in the knowledge that with your joining, our family circle is complete."

"Soon, the day may come when you will enter into this circle on another level, and we will journey with you wherever it may lead, and then joyfully welcome you home to us once again; but our love for you, our allegiance to you and our collective vow to protect your eternal life, the pure white light, a symbol of the love which envelops you now at this moment will never leave you for all the rest of your days. That is our sworn pledge of fidelity to you."

"And we ask you, Sacred Mother Earth, may the blessing of the new born rain upon your daughter Isabella and by her entrance into our world that a mantle of peace might embrace this family in her making."

My feet touched down on the ground just as the scarf slipped away from my eyes, revealing the topaz eyes that I have memorized. He is so beautiful.

"You enter our world a new creation, Isabella."

"We welcome you dear child to the mystical union of our souls. We have awaited you. We rejoice that you are here."

_My heart wanted to explode. I have never experienced such a public and meaningful declaration of relationship and love. Magically, the candles danced with a heavenly glow illuminating the loving embrace of the family that I have been destined to find, to love, and to protect. I belonged here, among these remarkable people._

"From ancient times a ritual kiss of fidelity conferred on the lips untied communities with an expression of sharing not only of our selves, but in the greater spirit that unites us. We offer you now Bella, an expression of our connection together as one family, united in purpose and dedicated to each other. With this kiss we bind ourselves as one sacred circle of love."

The lights flickered gently as they came closer, the circle of light tightening around me, their initiate, their daughter, sister, and bride. I was not afraid to be so surrounded by these people, not creatures, but human people who have brought me into their trust, their lives and their love.

Esme was the first to kiss me, touching my face with motherly affection, her eyes squinting with tears that would not form. "My dear child," she murmured, "you are so very loved by all you touch, we are blessed to have you love us."

Carlisle held me close and I was filled with the memories of finding safety in his arms that have nursed me and made me whole! He looked at me, holding my shoulders and kissed me saying, "I am pleased more than you know to have you here in our family, today and always."

Jasper approached me cautiously, perhaps he wished to erase the past, or maybe he worried that I was afraid of him, but he had no cause for such thoughts. When; and when he kissed me, I said, "Jasper, I am glad to be here with you—you protected me in Arizona and I will never forget." He smiled as if a great burden had been lifted from him.

Alice with uncharacteristic restraint took me by the hand and kissed me without words knowing that no pledge of love in words was needed between us. I think she wanted to cry.

Emmett jumped in with a crushing embrace that took my breath away and in midair his enthusiastic kiss took me by surprise by its tenderness. "Welcome aboard, kid!"

The giggles of his enthusiasm still lingering in the air, Rosalie touched my shoulder and I turned to face her. Unsure what to expect she toppled my defenses when her smile radiated such warmth I was astonished. Without hesitation and with genuine affection she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I was so moved with emotion, tears welling in my eyes, I felt my weight transfer to her strong embrace.

She held me for a long moment, supporting me. I thought my knees would fail but she was, holding me upright and then she whispered, "I really do care about you Bella. I am very glad that you are here, as a part of our family, really I am. I have always wanted you the have the very best life that you can have, that's all--because you deserve it." She released her embrace and looking square in my eyes, she kissed me briefly on the lips.

_I don't think any one of the Cullen's could hide their surprise at her expression of love towards me--Edward not the least of all. _

In the center of my family's circle, the stars coming out above our heads, I felt familiar cool hands at my waist, turning me to face him. His dazzling eyes peered into my soul in a sacred connection

"You are not only mine, Bella. You belong to all of us. And we belong to you." His sweet kiss on my lips, his breath in me and mine in his, sealed this moment in my memory for eternity.

"It is with the greatest joy that we gather in this sacred circle to welcome you, Isabella Marie Swan, to our family. The love that we share together for you is infinite and eternal. As a family of individuals we have chosen to pledge our fidelity to each other and vow to abide by the governing principles that guide our family. It is with complete trust and open hearts we welcome you."

"May the world honor you for who you are…"

"May you always consider us your loving friends…"

"May you find your home your talents, your joy…"

"And so it is…AMEN!

_Never again would I fear being abandoned. I belonged. I have found myself. _

_If I have fears about the changing that would bring me into this coven, make me, be their equal, they are the specifics of the ordeal of the changing itself. How will I manage the pain I will have to endure—with courage or in shame? Will the changing of every aspect of my life be manageable—including the sacrificing of a living being for my own sustenance? Would I be a monster? What of the spiritual death that Edward feared I would suffer by voluntarily extinguishing my human existence—if he believed that he was doomed by the accident of his changing, how would I be judged for actively choosing to become a vampire? _

_In the arms of this loving family, with my Edward at my side, I had no doubt of my choice or that I would fulfill that choice. I will willingly, gladly, and eagerly give myself to him and my new family to join them as an immortal, no matter what the cost. _

_I am forever part of the circle of light that is the Cullen family._

_I am blessed._

Revised 9/6/2008


	2. Charlie part I

**DISCLAIMER: Based on the Characters of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Saga**

**"WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON HIM"**

"Come on, Bella...you're just upset because you don't know what is happening. That is perfectly understandable...," Alice chided me as we climbed into the Porsche, "...but please, don't be mad at Edward," she said as she gripped the leather steering wheel in frustration. "He was just trying to do the right thing." .

___I am not sure which vampire I want to kill first...Edward, my overly old fashioned fiancé or Alice, his sneaky psychic sibling accomplice!_

___She was right of course. Alice is always right about such things, especially where Edward was concerned.. She knew Edward thought he was in the right and I should be more understanding about our differences. But there was nothing vaguely understandable about this situation: Edward snuck out of the house to talk to my father behind my back._

"Alice, did he actually think I wouldn't wonder where he had gone? That I wouldn't notice? Does he think I am that stupid!?" The shriek hurt my ears. I have not doubt he could hear it, wherever he was.

___Even human voices sounded shrill when yelling inside the Porsche._

"How can he do this and ruin only the most perfect night of my life...so far? Wait till I get my hands on him!" Alice didn't dare laugh at my empty threat. It might have been impossible for me to tear him limb from limb, but that didn't negate my intent to hurt him.

___I was officially pissed off at my perfect fiancé._

_When I discovered his treacherous scheme, the where and why of his disappearance, I was more than furious; I was insulted. Alice tried to calm my indignation but she could not dissuade me. There wasn't much sympathy to help me intercept Edward. Strangely, there was no one in the house except Alice when I discovered Edward was missing. I was tortured by the desire to know what was happening and threatened to walk home._

_Begrudgingly, Alice agreed to drive me home but before the engine started I suspected she planned to conscientiously obey the exacting 25 mph speed limit for the first time in her life. However, I was wrong. Nothing could keep her Manolo Blahnik's from abusing that Italian leather accelerator pedal no matter what the cause. I was thankful for that._

The ride was silent, Bella seething in her snit of supposed injustice, and Alice pondering the best path to illuminating for her the error of her ways. "Listen here, Bella, Edward sincerely believes with all that he is that it is...morally wrong..."she choose her words very carefully, "for you two to be engaged without first asking Charlie."

_I sensed she defended Edward, not out of obligation, but because she agreed with him._

"Then why did he ask me first, Alice?" I demanded.

"Well, I guess it kinda got away from him because you make him so crazy with your eagerness, and he now that he's screwed up the timing, he wants to be sure he does the right thing...can't you see that?" Diminutive stature did not limit her assertive nature. Her forthrightness was almost as fierce as her loyalty. I especially didn't like her tone.

"Some day you will see how such traditions serve a purpose-they bind the generations together. That's why we keep traditions alive. They are not all Hallmark card moments, Bella-many traditions have a real purpose."

___At least she didn't say, "You will understand it when I grow up..."_

"Besides" she said with barely shrouded contempt, "...I refuse to believe that you did not anticipate this...I thought you were very intuitive...for a human?"

___Her flat tone punctuated the obvious. I was deluding myself. I knew he would do this. From the moment I first saw his mother's ring, and he proposed so dramatically, I knew then what would happen. I had accepted he would want to see my dad, eventually, have a quaint little sit down, but not like this...sneaking out and without me._

_No, Edward's penchant for protocol was neither a secret nor a surprise. Logically, it fit that he would desire to fulfill this honorable, if sexist, unnecessary, and absolutely antiquated tradition. I understood that part. I just didn't want to think about it. The very idea of Edward and Charlie sitting at the kitchen table to discuss our relationship was terrifying. It was probably better for my mental health to pretend it wouldn't happen and so I put it out of my mind, laughing at the impossibility of such a meeting. Living in denial was safer than imagining what would happen if Edward actually talked, unsupervised to Charlie and asked for my hand in marriage._

I was reduced to accepting the premise of her argument supporting Edward. "Okay, Alice," I said, conceding as moot my argument against his deciet, "and maybe I should have anticipated he would want to ask Charlie, but I didn't think he would go behind my back!" I hoped I could at least guilt her into some support...after all...secrets have to be bad for a marriage, right? At least, they had to be bad for an engagement...less than one day old!

"Actually,...when you think about it,...it's _very romantic_..." Her willowy delivery was sickening.

___Alice's dedication to the cause was emerging; if she thought this was romantic she would willingly fight dirty for her brother with every weapon in her arsenal. Her lilting melody and dreamy sighs were almost always infectious. I rolled my eyes in disgust unwilling to play along. The melodramatic of romance is Alice's currency; however, this tactic would never win me over, not tonight._

___This was war._

"Okay, ponder this..." she pressed, "If you knew he was planning to talk to Charlie...ask yourself, would you have let him go all alone-if that is what he wanted to do? If that is what would make him happy? Would you have let him? Be honest."

_She had my full attention. Logical arguments didn't apply anymore. I was angry, but cracks were developing in my resolve._

"Let me spell it out for you, little sister...if he had told you he wanted to do this...and you told him you didn't want him to go without you...would you let him go just because it was so important to him? Even if you knew it would make you nuts with worry?"

"You are not playing fair, Alice..." I protested valiantly but to no use. I was a fool to believe I could win this argument just as I was a fool to believe Edward wouldn't go to see Charlie. The obvious is always painful. Sometimes I get really tired of the regularity with which Alice succeeds in making me feel very young and very stupid.

"Be honest with yourself, if you can't be honest with me. Would you really have tried to stop him?"

"Well, Alice, when you put it like that..." A heavy sigh announced I conceded to defeat.

"No, you wouldn't, because you love him enough and trust him enough to know he will only do what is the best for you." Alice wanted to gloat but she restrained herself. I think she was saving it up for a little later in the conversation when she would succeed in completely humiliating me.

"Now," she poised herself to go for the kill, "don't you think it is admirable that Edward is going to face Charlie and deal the hard questions that he will have about you two? Alice could stand up very tall for a pixie when she was scoring points in debate.

But she was manipulating the situation to her favor, changing the subject from my dented pride to Edward's noble character. I knew it, but I could do nothing about it. I knew I was not going to win this argument but I didn't realize how bad I would feel about being mad at Edward. However, I still had one point I could win.

"Yes, I suppose that is true." I whined in defeat.

"Okay, I concede his intention is entirely noble and I was wrong...but sneaking around is not defensible!" Now I was starring in the role of the unfairly wronged fiancée, and I dramatically demanded justice. "What's next? ...are we going to start having secrets now?" Bella thrashed her arms around withing the confines of the racing seat. There was not much room for grand gestures, but it was better than nothing. All's fair in love and melodrama. I could be drama queen when I wanted to: I just wasn't very good at it.

Nonplused, Alice smiled a devilish pixie grin, "Oh, but of course-there will be lots and lots of secrets, Bella...it's a wedding! Secrets and surprises will abound, my darling. You'll see!" She raised her eyebrows to unnatural heights and she mewed mischievously, and nodding like a bobble head doll, "You had better get used to it..." Her smirk finalized the case. She'd won. Again.

I closed my eyes very tightly, gritted my teeth and folded my arms firmly to my chest to illustrate this conversation was over. I looked out the window a the landscape blur. There was no point to talk. I lose. Again.

But she wasn't nearly finished humbling me. "Now, if you really want to worry about something, think about what's going to happen to Edward...if Charlie doesn't give him the answer he is looking for?" My heart stopped. My face locked, frozen in abject terror. Tears welled in my eyes so fast I couldn't hide them from her. Swallowing hard I found the courage to ask, "Is that what you see, Alice?"

"Oh, Bella,..." she smiled maternally, as if reassuring a disobedient child, patting my immobilized arm gingerly. "Although I doubt it will be entirely smooth sailing, I'm not worried because our boy is gonna to step up and meet Charlie on his terms. And that might not be so easy, all things considered...but try not to worry. Edward is very smart. And Charlie is very fair. They both want the same things: safety and happiness, college education, fat bank book, interesting career, new car...better clothes..." She laughed at her own joke, but I could only smile with half my heart.

My scattered breath and reckless tears made it clear she was not making me feel better. "Look, don't cry, please don't cry. I am not sure exactly how it is going, but in the end I doubt that Charlie will refuse Edward. I promise to tell you when I know something, ok?"

_In spite of how annoyed I am, speeding in her Porsche to Charlie's house, never before did I want to have Alice's gifts than in this moment. I would have done anything to have her intuition or a sign that everything would turn out all right in the big meeting between the two loves of my life: my soul mate and soon-to-be-husband and my dad. It's a given than Charlie will be in shock after the news that his only daughter is getting married just weeks after graduation from high school. The fact that my man just happens to be a vampire should not have been an issue. Maybe it would have been easier to deal with than being a leper...in my father's eyes._

As the yellow Porsche revved in one driveway, Edward's silver Volvo rolled silently into another across town. The reality of the moment he had brought upon himself was just sinking in. Edward grumbled and rolled his eyes, remembering how often Isabella had chastised him for habitually reaching that very spot all too soon. For the first time, he understood what she meant.

-fine-


	3. Charlie part II

Proud of my broken heart since thou didst break it,

"**Evening Star"**

**Chapter 2, Part II:** _**Charlie**_

**Proud of my broken heart since thou didst break it,  
Proud of the pain I did not feel till thee  
Proud of my night since thou with moons dost slake it,  
Not to partake thy passion, my humility. **

Emily Dickinson

As the yellow Porsche revved in one driveway, Edward's silver Volvo rolled silently into another across town. The reality of the moment he had brought upon himself was just sinking in. Edward grumbled and rolled his eyes, remembering how often Isabella had chastised him for habitually reaching that very spot all too soon. For the first time, he understood what she meant.

_"Why did you drive so very fast, you fool? Maybe a little delay would have been a good idea...?_ He wondered to himself.

_"Too bad and too late, buddy boy!"_

If the police cruiser in the driveway was not enough of an indication, the flickering yellow light which illuminated the lawn with an ominous glow confirmed it without a doubt; Chief Swan was inside watching ESPN. "Time to face the music, Edward," he muttered though a tight-lipped smile that reflected both concern and humor at this situation.

As much as he wanted to make Isabella his bride with absolute attention to propriety, and he desired more than anything to share her life, he was not at all eager to face Charlie. Yet, his sense of honor demanded it. He had to face his own stringent requirement to do this right. He needed to prove his worth to be Bella's provider and protector. But that didn't mean he wanted to face what could be a suicide mission.

For as many times as Edward probed Charlie's thoughts or inadvertently over heard them, he received both positive and negative information, some useful, some quite embarrassing. Every once in a while Charlie's thoughts were so personally painful Edward wished he could relinquish his clairvoyant gift. Based on observations he had intercepted regarding Charlie's feelings about the dangers for such an intense relationship as Edward and Bella's and the dire consequences he feared it could bring, Edward was almost sure how Charlie would react to the news of the impending wedding. Given the history of Bella's parents, their young idealistic marriage and the too-early and very sad dissolution of that marriage, he was worried that he should have been more deliberate in his planning for this conversation. It was going to be a tough sell. Had he made a strong enough case to win his support? Edward's palms tingled as if they would be sweating if they could.

Now that it is inevitable they would marry, after all, she is wearing his ring, and since he was compelled to make this traditional gesture, he had to act fast before it was too late. When Bella actually agreed to wear his engagement ring he knew any delay to ask Charlie for his blessing rendered the entire gesture irrelevant for coming too far after-the-fact. There was no time to lose-it had to be done, and it had to be done tonight. And it had to be done alone.

Edward eagerly desired her father's approval and for Bella's sake, he intended to secure it tonight. When she discovered he was here on this clandestine errand he would never get a second chance to sneak away in private. She would be, in her words a 'crazed grizzly' and there was no telling the severity of her wrath at him when his 'white lie' which enabled him to sneak over here without her was revealed.

Truthfully, Edward genuinely wanted Charlie's blessing, not just for propriety's sake. Edward needed to know, even though serious reservations existed, Edward needed to know Charlie trusted him-especially after what happened between them. Edward was willing to do whatever it took, even to endure the sharp interrogation Charlie would no doubt impress on him, and to live with the angst and anticipation waiting for his response, just so that he could feel he had completed his role as suitor, repaired his relationship with his love's father and he had acted honorably and with the grace and humility of a gentleman. Maybe it was an antiquated sentiment in the modern world but approval by Charlie was nonetheless absolutely necessary for Edward.

The Volvo's heavy steel driver's door opened silently, the impeccable seal releasing a sigh of air pressure that was completely masked by the sounds of the forest at night. Effortlessly, it closed with a muffled thump. Chief Swan's hyper-vigilant senses barely registered this immediately identifiable sound. But he didn't stir. He had heard it so many times before it was as if it didn't exist, just like the wind in the trees, or the birds in the air, absorbed by the background noises of the environment.

On the surface it appeared to be a night just like any other. Charlie's watching ESPN. Bella's at home being tortured by Alice. It was only a delusion to think this night was status quo. Tonight was unparalleled in all of time as tonight was the night of his betrothal to his beloved Isabella and he was about to proclaim it to the world. And it all starts right here... with her dad.

In spite of a keen talent to eavesdrop on the thoughts, which gave him a distinct advantage in interpersonal relations, he was more than a little nervous. He was eager to declare to her father his intention to marry Isabella in less than two months so that they could start their life together as soon as possible. Yet, as he stood like a cement lawn ornament on her father's front lawn, bathing in the eerie yellow light cast by ESPN's flickering images pouring though the living room's curtains and out onto the grass. Was dedication to this tradition entirely prudent--in this particular case? He shuddered to think about it.

Fears churned in his head. There was no denying the less-than-stellar track record Edward had earned in Charlie's eyes. Those facts, which always cause him to shrink in shame, will always be part of Charlie's assessment of his relationship with Bella and his personal assessment of Edward's character. Edward physically cringed with embarrassment to think of how many times and in how many ways his presence in her life had put her in danger or caused Bella emotional and physical pain.

He could understand Charlie's view entirely-"how could he not think I am dangerous to his daughter when I continually put her in danger through my actions or my inability to protect her?" he thought, adding another to the list of excuses not to knock on the door.

"I guess it is helps to be bullet proof," he chuckled to himself, thinking of Bella's wisecrack in the meadow hours ago when she demanded her ring and prophesized about telling her father about our engagement.

_"But she did say yes...Bella actually said yes...that's all that matters."_

He steeled himself to the task. Impelled by the vision of his bride wearing his ring and energized by a sigh of determination, he took three silent strides across the lawn. In a wink, he was simultaneously knocking on and opening the front door. He perfunctorily called out. "Anybody home?'

It was no surprise to see Charlie reclined on the couch, the satellite remote in one hand and pizza box with open lid on the coffee table. It was his usual posture on game nights. Half an hour to tip-off before any contest you could find him there performing his one-man preshow-contradicting the commentator's analysis, chastising the announcer for stats incorrectly reported, and in general, completely wrapped up in talking to himself.

There was plenty of time before tonight's game between the Diamond Backs and the Dodgers, so he was channel surfing. Charlie's dedication to couch potato spectator sports, which bordered on addiction, was more than legendary-it was his reason for living. He enjoyed collecting the stories and scores of every sporting contest he could find to fill his conversations at the station house. There is nothing like the constant borage of televised sports to allow a person to always have something to talk about without saying anything at all. Bella believed all those nights spent alone in this house after Renee left fueled his connection to his couch, in general, and to TV sports in particular. Baseball, with it's especially long season and variety of teams to talk about, and delightfully intricate stats especially was his friend who didn't ask pushy questions. He loved Bella, fishing and ESPN...in that order.

"That you, Bella?" he called, rolling off the couch to face the door. He wore on his face a quizzical expression, fully well the voice he heard was not _her _voice, but asking anyway, a polite reflex. His brain was coming around to reality, wondering "why on earth would Bella knock?" and "if wasn't Bella, who was letting themselves into his house?" Then he spied Edward in the foyer.

"Oh, Edward, ...it's only you..." It sounded just a little too disappointed to be considered a polite greeting. It's wasn't that he was necessarily displeased to see Edward, but more that he had expected to see Bella's face at the door. Within a split second Charlie was calculating the strangeness of this moment: there is something wrong with this picture-where's Bella?

Edward had brought Bella home many nights and would often accompany her inside, but never had he been alone this late without Bella_. "____If she decided to stay over with Alice,__ she could have just called,_" Charlie mused. ___"No big deal, right?"_

But when after a few seconds she didn't appear and it was clear that she was not with Edward, his unwelcome anxiety quickly escalated to concern. Charlie could not help thinking of all the moments of crisis since she moved in with him when an unexpected knock on the door or phone call in the night signaled trouble. These thoughts gave Edward the sharpest pains in his gut. More than fire, Charlie's thoughts could cut and destroy Edward's ability to carry on.

With lightening speed in analysis of tense situations and great intuition for reading body language, Edward's presentation landed a full-blown fear in the pit of Charlie's stomach. With highly skilled poker-faced caution and in a vain attempt to appear completely causal, desiring to hide his growing concern until he knew the facts, he spoke falteringly. "Hey, Edward,...umm, where's Bella?"

The conclusion that something was seriously wrong was logical based on history. His mind raced, ___"Is she lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Did you argue? Was she hysterical with emotions too powerful for her to manage? Was she hurt?"_

Charlie's fear spun out of control, twisting and tormenting him with lightening speed. Edward could not help but accept that Charlie would always associate him with danger. He had earned that much. How many times over the last two years had Charlie's worst fears been realized because of his daughter's relationship with him? But Edward anticipated Charlie's concern and trumped him before he could speak.

"Hey, Charlie, hope I didn't startle you- but the door was open..." he said respectfully. Hoping to end the silent standoff, Edward added his disarming good-natured chuckle, as he pretended to realize the awkwardness for Edward to have let himself into the Chief of Police's house. This silence allowed Edward to shift emotional gears from hearty hello, or eloquent embarrassment.

"Oh! I did didn't I…oh gee, I am sorry, sir" He waited a moment for the apology to sink in before he pretended to only just now realized why Charlie was distracted, "I hope you didn't thinking…oh, geesh I am sorry…" he said, with as much youthful exuberance he could muster, "Don't worry! Bella's just ___fine_." He exaggerated every word with a scoffing hand wave that was not particularly believable. "Everything is _good_." He went on even though he knew he was losing ground. "I'm afraid you are stuck with just _me _tonight,... that's all. You see, I was in the neighborhood and...I thought maybe you could stand…some company?" Edward's ability to dazzle didn't often work on Charlie, but efforts at reassurance, even if puzzling, were usually, if reluctantly, accepted. Charlie's poker face contrasted Edward's mask of a most reassuring smile.

___"He is not buying it__." _Edward itched with insecurity. Even his thoughts were tense.

"Oh..." Charlie said, a little colorlessly, as if he didn't want to commit to casually accepting Bella's absence. To save face in case he had been rude or incase Bella might think so, he tagged on a not overly welcome invitation. "...oh, good, ummm, great! Sure, come in, Edward,... I got some pizza left."

It wasn't difficult to read Charlie's mind, his thoughts weren't hard to access, but it was an exercise for Edward that kept him on his toes. Twenty years of police work had trained Charlie to make quick associative leaps in his thinking which also required Edward's constant monitoring in order to predict where his thoughts would go next. This investigative training coupled with a predisposition for a keen intuition made Charlie an excellent silent sparring partner for Edward, but this same innate abilities which made Charlie a great cop and offered Edward a distinct mental challenge also made him a potential threat. If his curious nature was peeked, he well could start causing trouble for the family. And Edward would never allow that to happen.

The awkward silence in the room was palpable. The TV blared but neither man paid it any attention. Edward could sense Charlie's mind constantly shifting gears while he maintained his poker face exterior, as he wondered: _"Something is not right...if she is so fine, Edward, then why are you standing here ...and she is not?"_

Edward let no time pass to respond to this thought.

"ummmm, Did I tell you that Bella is...with Alice...at the house? They were watching some chick flick that got just a little tedious for me, if you know what I mean..." he rolled his eyes in an attempt at male bonding, "and I decided to get some air. My car just seemed to drive it self here." Charlie suspected there was more to the story than this lame excuse, but he played along. "Oh, I see..." he said matter of fact, and then as he suddenly deduced, "so, Bella doesn't know that you are here?" his voice turned accusatory.

"No, not exactly, sir," Edward said flatly, to not arouse further suspicion but accepting that his response would have only the opposite effect on Charlie. Admitting he was here without her knowledge could only increase Charlie's anxiety and fighting that nervous energy would lessen the chances that Edward could accomplish his mission with ease.

"Oh," was the only response Charlie could produce while his mind was working double time behind a mask of nonchalance. He was trying to dissect all the potential reasons which would account for this strange visit. He pondered for some minutes while Edward pretended to be enamored of whatever TV program happened to be on the set.

_"Why would Edward make his way over here to see me-without Bella? There had to be a reason. Something is wrong, something is up. He's not that good of a liar...can see right through him."_ Charlie's mind paced, but Edward's unnatural advantage kept him a step ahead and allowed him to intercept Charlie's line of questioning without missing a beat.

"It sure is strange, you know" he said with the disarming polite charm, a useful perk for his race, "that is, it is a little strange, foe me...my being here without Bella...feels a little weird, huh? Even after all this time..." Edward tried to innocently explain away her absence, "She is with Alice and she probably has figured out by now that I had stepped out..."

"Yeah, a chic flick, so you said."

Charlie was alerted to the repetition of this small detail. This behavior was a criminalist's dream; could be an attempt to create an alibi and it was a self incriminating clue he was handed over so easily. Charlie sat up in the couch, not taking his eyes off Edward for a moment, hoping his intent gaze would compel him to dig into the lie just a little bit deeper. Classic interrogation technique, this visual pressure could force Edward to expose the information he was so badly trying to concealing. ___"It's just a matter of time, boy...like it or not, you will spill it..."_

Edward cringed at the silent accusation which thinly veiled a threat. In that instant, Edward knew Charlie was not going to take this conversation well. The necessity for honest dealing, if imperfect, was proving more difficult that Edward expected, but if he wanted Charlie's complete trust...he knew he had to be simply direct, even if it was painful.

"...the truth of the matter is...sir," Edward mustered every ounce of his courage, "I wasn't just in the neighborhood.." Charlie tried to appear unaffected by his admission.

"I am here because for some time I have needed to speak to you-in _confidence."_

The words echoed in recesses of Charlie's mind. Waiting for desperately needed resolution, struggling to maintain focus, his mind was very quiet, like a tomb. Edward sighed heavily to clear his head which was racing with noise, but to no avail. Edward had hoped to disarm Charlie's tendency toward suspicion and catastrophic thinking. He also wanted to dispel the rage he would show at the question he would pose. But that was not proving to be so easily accomplished.

"Chief Swan...," Edward always addressed Charlie formally, more out of a deep respect for the man than for social courtesy. Charlie had long commanded his respect. When Edward abandoned Bella, it was her father's fierce protection that kept her from hospitalization and brought her back from the brink of clinical depression. Later, after her relationship with Edward was healed, it was Charlie's cautious re-acceptance of Edward unequivocally demonstrated that he only had Bella's best interest at heart and he respected her judgment. After hurting his baby girl whom he loved so much, he even allowed Edward to return to the home. Charlie was willing to be open to Bella's choices even if he didn't agree with them. Charlie was a good man in Edward's eyes, there was no denying that.

"Sir,...I know that I do not have a spotless record in your eyes..."

Charlie's brows rose in a sarcastic mask, ___"yeah, no kidding..."_ the comment stung even though it was anticipated, and Edward pressed forward. "I accept all responsibility for the opinion you have formed-I know in the past I have disappointed you, Bella and myself, in the past, yet it is my hope that I have succeeded in reversing that opinion. I want to believe you see me to be an honorable person and I want you to know I have an equal measure of respect for you. With this in mind, I have indeed come here purposefully to talk to you tonight..."

Charlie's anxiety grew as he hung on every formal word in the speech, his face reddening with rising anticipation, and his breathing increasingly labored, until finally, he could contain himself no more.

"Edward-if you don't spit it out, I am going to have a stroke!" Charlie barked in a loud jarring voiced that shook him, and the table, sending pizza box, remote and empty soda cans flying.

In that moment, Charlie utterly surprised Edward with an associative leap that he should have been anticipated, but since the idea was so alien to Edward's understanding of the universe it never occurred to him as a possibility.

Charlie hung his head and whispered in resignation, "Is she pregnant?"

Charlie's fears overshadowed all shock he might have had if he had thought before asking the question. He had just blurted it out without censoring himself-a thought which accidently found voice and could never be taken back. Edward was unable to hide his shock; he never would have guessed that Charlie would draw such a dishonorable conclusion-not even from him. The personal insult and insinuation of impropriety was infuriating; he struggled to contain the rage building in his chest.

Edward's reflex response was jarring, rattling the pictures on the wall. "No, sir!"

"Oh, thank God…," he muttered aloud in genuine but temporary relief from the embarrassment.

A dead silence permeated the room. As the cloud of suspicion began to dissipate, Charlie was mortified, remembering the conversation when Bella volunteered to him that she was indeed a virgin. Shuttering at the memory, he shamefully anticipated Bella's reaction when she found out what he had done tonight; how his question about pregnancy meant he didn't trust her, how he insulted Edward to presume the worst. None of these embarrassments could compare to her revulsion knowing what a dinosaur her old man was.

Charlie seriously appreciated Edward's gracious and mature response in light of his extraordinary faux pas, but the regret for his outburst deepened as in his mind as the details of a similar discussion with Bella came flooding from his memory. Bella's confession just a short time ago should have been enough to keep his wild fears of run away teenage hormones at bay. More than anything, he hoped that there wouldn't be any reprisal of outrage from his automatic accusation and the unconscious suspicion that she was not telling him the truth. He regretted feeling a policeman at home, especially to his only child.

_"____What a mess I have made!"_ Charlie admonished himself in despair.

"Bella is absolutely _not _pregnant." Edward repeated softy. He was perhaps a little too emphatic in response colored by the perceived insult, but then his emotion shifted unexpectedly from embarrassment and hurt to disappointment and anger at the implication this question had on his character. He felt he needed to drive the point home. No impropriety was the intention of this visit.

"Chief Swan," Edward battled his urge to scream, he wanted to be polite even now, but intended to be very specific in this moment, "although what you are asking me is a very private matter that maybe would be better discussed with your daughter," his sense of valor could not restrain him against making the dig, "I assure you that circumstance would not be possible because we have not yet..."

"Enough! Please, Edward?" Charlie interrupted trying to save them both from the embarrassment over the information which was about to be released. "Okay, … that's more than enough information." Charlie blurted it quickly with a hand gesture that immediately stopped a grateful Edward from continuing on this excruciating topic.

"I beg your pardon, Edward, I was way out of line there..." Charlie was horrified by his accusation, and weakly tried to offer an explanation. Mumbling he was chagrined to admit the facts.

"A father's mind can be...a terrible thing. I jumped to an insulting conclusion and for that I deeply apologize."

As the words cycled in his head, he was more and more ashamed. With genuine remorse, Charlie pleaded again, his tone lower and more penitent. "Edward, please accept my sincere apology. I didn't mean to be insulting to you... or to Isabella." His brain froze with the sound of her name in the fear that she might find out about his repeated acts of stupidity where the details of her sexual experience were concerned.

Edward gallantly answered, "No offence taken, sir. Given the circumstances, it is a perfectly understandable, yet, I assure you, unwarranted concern..."

Edward smiled silently to himself, not so much from triumph, but from the relief he felt in closing the discussion of this topic. Eavesdropping on Charlie's internal struggle amused him because he understood they shared a desire to avoid at all costs the righteous indignation of a wrongly accused Isabella Swan!

The smile was also realization that the declaration of their celibacy gave Edward a strategic advantage in this conversation. All embarrassment aside, this delicate and important information illustrated Edward and Bella's mutual and responsible commitment to each other. Perhaps, this information alone would influence Charlie's assessment and opinion of their intention to wed.

Edward decided to throw Charlie a bone, so to speak, man-to-man. "Rest assured, I do not plan to share this part of our conversation with Bella!" Edward dramatically shivered with crazed eyes to show he knew what a bad idea that would be. Their simultaneous laughter at their manly conspiracy perfectly ended this part of the discussion.

Unfortunately, Charlie's investigative mind found the relief short lived. His quick mind jumped back to the unexplained and unsettling situation-Edward's visit.

___"If she's not pregnant, then what is so important,… so man-to-man?"_

The terror of the second worst-possible explanation hit him. Bolting upright from his perch on the sofa, his body visibly stiffened in preparation for the terrible thought. ___"You bastard--are you leaving her again? Are you here to warn me to be on the look out for...you almost killed her last time?"_

Charlie resigned to ask him directly if this was the case, but of course that was not necessary; Edward had heard every word. He could not have Bella destroyed again and no matter how embarrassing or painful it would be to confront him about what happened last year. But secretly he also wondered if discussing your daughter's sex life was any less painful than discussing her potential for mental instability. It was certainly a tight race.

Edward wanted to deflect Charlie before he went any further down this dead end path and he needed to bring the conversation back to where they left off, before these distractions. For a moment, Edward searched for a logical bridge to accomplish both objectives.

Unexpectedly, Charlie was the first to find a transition that made sense.

"Let's go to the kitchen-I really need a drink."

Preoccupied, Charlie swung the refrigerator door open a little too energetically and the bottles on the door rattled chaotically. From the back of the bottom shelf, he retrieved a beer, an infrequent indulgence in this house. He absentmindedly offered Edward one, not hesitating to consider what could happen if the Chief was found drinking with a minor. The ridiculousness of the offer was made Edward chuckle to himself. It was confirmation that the Chief's sharp mind was preoccupied for such minor detail because he was entirely focused on the conversation at hand.

Flopping into his usual place at the table, the bottle top popped with the hem of his tee shirt, Charlie drank his beer very slowly, letting the cold liquid soothe his dry throat, calming his breathing to a smooth rhythm. The extra time allowed him to try to think more clearly. He knew he was missing something; he just had no idea what it could be.

Edward silently waited in his habitual place at the table. With respectful sympathy, he prefaced his well-prepared speech with one last thought on the thorny issue of sex.

"I understand how...pregnancy" The word sent shivers into both men. "... could be a fear for you, sir, I imagine that it is a great fear for any father of a teen age girl with a serious ...boyfriend." He hesitated at the word finding it inadequately described his relationship to Bella, but 'soul mate' or anything of that nature seemed to be a little unfair to spring on Charlie tonight. "It is only natural for a father to protect his daughter."

Charlie listened intently to his words but also concentrated on the voices screaming with embarrassment within his head as Edward made the move he had been waiting for, the one that would put his argument on the path to 'checkmate."

"I will be honest with you though, man to man," Edward's voice was serious and without a hint of sarcasm. "I love Bella, very much...and we have both... struggled with intense feelings... and we have consciously chosen to be responsible in this above all things, and to remain chaste, in spite of the great temptations to do otherwise."

At this unexpected and overtly honest admission, Charlie's eyes pealed back, horrified to be discussing sex again and in a sign of avoidance, he too rapidly knocked back the last of the beer in one large gulp, almost choking from the pressure on his larynx of such a large amount. Sputtering, he stumbled his way to the sink to rinse the bottle for recycling, with his back turned to hide his mortal embarrassment at Edward's candor. Charlie could not face him, so he focused intensely on the water swirling down the drain.

___"I absolutely deserved that...,"_ he conceded with a long breathy sigh and much to Edward's secret delight, Charlie silently vowed never to approach the subject of Bella's sex life with anyone ever again.

With the sex issue put aside, there were no excuses left to justify delay, yet Edward once again felt fear building in his hollow chest. Unable to avoid the echoes of his earlier admonition, ___"...it's time to face the music."_

Taking a deep and unnecessary breath, Edward dove into the 'main event", hoping for the best. "Sir, in the past two years I have come to love your daughter with a love that I would not have imagined possible. "And in spite of everything I have done to dissuade her, I am afraid, that she feels the same way about me."

Driven now by the sight of the prize that awaited him, Edward pressed on, only allowing Charlie enough time to glance to him, but not to speak. "I want nothing but to share with her all the experiences of life and to bring her happiness and security."

Edward's psychic talent wasn't necessary to see Charlie's eyes flash with realization and his jaw drop open in disbelief. _"oh, my god, ____how could I be so stupid..."_

"I am here tonight to ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage and to ask for your blessing of our union."

Edward's formal speech fresh from another time and place rang out joyfully in the little linoleum kitchen in Forks Washington. Charlie was only half stunned, his mind still forming the idea, the depth of shock not yet registering as his vision of reality came grinding down to a slow motion facsimile. Reeling, his mind continued firing random thoughts to himself.

_"____Marriage?...well, compared to teen pregnancy or a nervous breakdown...is that so bad?"_ Charlie wondered as he wiped his brow of sweat that had instantly appeared.

Edward waited patiently, struggling to remain disaffected by the sting of that disturbing remark. Although made in the shock, it came from Charlie's subconscious and confirmed Edward's guilt over Bella's emotional breakdown would haunt him all the days of his life and beyond.

_"__Marriage?"_ Charlie was entirely dumbfounded by the word.

Although surprised by the announcement, Charlie admitted to himself, that it was not as if it hadn't occurred to him as remotely possible-that they might get married, someday. Certainly Bella's love for Edward and his devotion for her is all too clear. They are inseparable. He knew that Renee was dead wrong thinking it was only a crush, he tried to convince her that he knew what he say, that she didn't see them together like he did, but she adamantly refused to accept the possibility the Bella was seriously committed to Edward. Maybe she was afraid, maybe she was foolish and thought they could buy some time and to see if time would wear the attraction down before they confronted Bella. It was painfully obvious to Charlie their passion did fade, it only became stronger. He remembered how it felt when he was so in love with Renee.

Finally, the situation came into sharp focus. Just days after their high school graduation...this announcement is shocking, especially given his family history. Bella was choosing the same path that her parents had, and his parent's before them. In spite of 20 years spent planning otherwise Bella was prepared to make the same mistake. ___"I can't believe I am having this conversation...I have really screwed up this time..."_

In spite of these last two years living here with Bella, having a chance to build a real relationship, his separation and divorce from Rene was a constant reminder to him of the cost of such a marriage, the pain of which he had never quite recovered from and the memory still brought a instant, if old and bitter taste to his mouth.

Charlie sat perfectly still, but his thoughts screamed in Edward's head_-"how could this be happening? What is she thinking?_" A second set of revelations crashed down on him. ___"Oh, God...Rene is going to kill me-how could I let her fall so fast, so young, just like us…?"_

The avalanche of implications of this proposal was threatening to bury him. "___What about college? What about the bright future they'd dreamed of-out of a small, backwater no where town, like Forks? Bella is supposed to go and make something of herself in the world?"_

Edward sighed aloud, tortured by these stolen thoughts and impatient for an audible cue from Charlie, but none came and judging on the content of the spiraling assault of guilt and shock, it seemed, Charlie was unable to respond.

As Edward took stock of the situation, all the while thinking, ___"well, this is going to be very interesting..."_he decided to forge ahead with the second important element of his announcement.

"It is our intention to marry this summer before we leave for college."

The stillness was unbearable. Luckily, Edward's foresight guided him how to best allay Charlie's distress and move the discussion forward.

"I imagine this is a shock, sir, but maybe not entirely unexpected, but I am sure it is a surprise, nonetheless."

The agonizingly long silence lingered and the kitchen clock seemed unnaturally loud. Edward remained still as a stone, waiting patiently for him. Charlie finally spoke, very tenderly.

"You are both just too young to be capable of making this decision."

It was as if he feared his world was too fragile for these words. Holding his head in sweaty palms, his fingers raking through his tangled hair, Charlie berated himself and addressed Bella in absentia:

_"____Oh, Bells, have you learned nothing from your mother and me? How did I not see this happening to you-why didn't I help you see? What is going to happen...how can I lose you after I just got you back? What kind of father am I...you would have been better off..."_

More than his understandable concerns about a young marriage, Edward was shocked by the depth of Charlie's self loathing and personal doubt. It was too painful to hear that he questioned himself; he is a good father to Bella. If ever there was a time when Edward wished he could shun his gift, it would be now. Listening in on Charlie's thought process tonight was too excruciating.

Edward learned a lot about Charlie in those tortured moments sitting at the kitchen table. Her whole life, even when they were separated, Charlie tried to make up to Bella the pain he caused by not being available to be a full-time father. Two-weeks a year was never enough time for him, never enough time to build a relationship with a child that he always regretted being so far away from. He always believed Renee didn't see how her unhappiness with their marriage was tied to the normal pressures of being a new mom and lonely newlywed. She was too young and to needy to be alone so much with an infant, stuck in a tiny house in the dreary winter. After the separation and divorce, Renee continued to struggle to adapt to life as a young, single mother, but in Phoenix, with her mother to help, and abundant sunshine to lift her spirits, life was more manageable. Neither one had had any serious relationships since their young marriage dissolved-until now. Charlie loved Renee and he was glad that she found happiness with Phil, but perhaps secretly, all these years, he had held out hope that one day they might reunite.

Charlie sighed at this thought, ___"...but that is another story..."_ he said to himself.

Thoughts of loss, firing back into the moment, this moment where he was faced with confronting the boy who wanted to take his Bella away. Charlie knew that Edward was a shadow of himself, and just as he had thought 20 years ago, he was an inexperienced young man who believed that marriage was the next logical step for them.

"And what does Bella have to say about this?" He presented the question with the neutrality of a man who was accustomed to dealing in black and white facts, but who had become very adept to hiding his personal feelings.

"I have proposed to her and she has accepted." Edward murmured, and then perked up with a tinge of anxiety, hoping to continue stacking the deck in his favor.

"However," his voice became low with the gravity of this detail. "… the agreement is not complete for me without a successful conclusion to this discussion," Edward slowed his pace for emphasis. He didn't want the emotions of the moment to cloud Charlie's receipt of this third important message that the engagement "nor is it complete for me without your blessing."

Charlie was more than surprised, trying to figure the angles of this twist. _"____Could it be any more than a gimmick? Or a trick?_ " he thought. Charlie was aghast at the responsibility being laid before him-"_is it in my power to stop this mistake before it happens?"_ In this moment of weakness, he began to think out loud.

"Are you saying that you will not marry Bella..._without_ my consent?"

Edward responded foolishly, without hesitation, mirroring but dangerously close to Charlie's internal monologue. He did not want to not arouse suspicion, but the intensity of the exchange blurred the lines between thought and spoken word.

"It is not a gimmick sir. Your opinion is vital to the successful future of our relationship."

Edward frustration began to show itself, so taxed were his emotions in the course of this discussion. He asserted himself one step too far. "Why would I come here like this if I was not serious about your consent?"

Edward jumped to clarify his position. "I am not saying that we absolutely will not marry without your consent. No, sir. We are of age, and do not require it, however, I am saying that I would prefer to have you consent and the knowledge that you are satisfied that this is not a rash decision we are making.

"I want to know that you understand that we are not marrying for all the wrong reasons and that our plans are well thought out. In making my case to you directly and by asking for your blessing I am hoping to have an open and honest dialog with you."

"It is my intention to persuade you and to overcome the myriad of logical arguments you no doubt have against our marrying at such a young age. I want you to offer your support and have confidence to Bella and I so that we can feel supported as we begin our life together." Edward was pleased with his presentation of the facts, but that momentary exhilaration did nothing to overcome the anxiety he had waiting for Charlie to respond.

Unfortunately, Charlie was absolutely speechless--physically unable to respond. He convinced himself he was ill prepared for this moment and mourned his inadequacy.

"_Why jump to marriage? Aren't there steps in between?"_ Charlie was grasping at straws for a logical response. ___"If they had come asking for permission for an extended graduation trip which I would obviously know was just a cover story for a tryst-I would have been able to handle that...but this__?"_

His heart now raced as fast as his mind. Charlie knew too well the situation they were in. He could still remember the fire of the passion he felt with Rene all those years ago at 18 years of age. He had made the very same argument-"why wait when you know it's real? Do it the right way...the moral way...get married."

That turned out to be not such a great decision.

Charlie wanted to remain strong for Bella, to open his mind to see beyond his personal experience, but his guilt over his mistakes was a burden he had not been able to forget in the 20 years since he had made them. They was doomed from the start, he and Renee. He knew that so much of what happened in that first year of marriage they just weren't prepared for and how painful it was to fail at something so precious as true love. All Bella's life, he had sworn to protect her against this specific tragedy, and above all, to ensure she not repeat her parent's mistakes.

Edward feared they were at an impasse. Charlie's attention was spinning out of control, lost in his own grief and he seemed unable to engage in discussion. Edward resigned to take his leave, hoping that a good night's rest might prove more productive, when something strange changed the course of the evening. This was one of those moments where Charlie's remarkable capacity for creative thinking Edward could not be prepared for. Yet, suddenly and somehow, Charlie chose to rise to the occasion, to suppress his painful past, and open up to the idea of listening with an open mind to what this remarkable boy, young man, had to say.

"Edward, you are a strange young man...first, you fall in love with the first girl you have ever dated..." Edward's surprise at Charlie's statement could not be hidden. Charlie continued, "oh please, son, don't look surprised. I know you are smarter than that...and I am the Chief of Police for _christ sakes_...did you think you could have ever set foot in this house with me having you checked out?"

Charlie scoffed at the idea that anyone would think he would not use every resource available to him to investigate any potential troublemaker in town, never mind in his only daughter's life.

"Don't look so worried, Edward. You came up clean." Charlie laughed out loud. He was really enjoying watching the boy squirm. There was no greater pleasure for a cop than to watch teen's react to police officers...especially when they were completely innocent. In the moment, it seemed Edward lived in fear that he had done something...and maybe forgot about it or didn't know. Charlie couldn't help but want to toy with him as Edward had toyed with him, but he restrained himself, satisfied only with the thought of the taunt he could deliver. _"Was there some secret we missed...you look...guilty. Is there something you want to tell me, son?"_

Edward seriously wondered to what extent that search was made...he bristled at the idea of a dedicated search of his past and frantically tried to penetrate the recesses of Charlie's thoughts...just what exactly what did Fork's finest discover...or worse yet, what suspicions were raised in that forensic mind that would lead him to questions in the future? Especially when Bella is not exactly available for visits or conversation. This was one angle of his relationship with Bella he had not considered: the potential difficulties of having a police chief as a father-in-law.

"so, where was I, ah yes..." Charlie, said with a sense of renewed confidence, "you fall hopelessly in love with Bella...and then one day, you take a walk in the woods and you tell her you don't love her anymore, maybe you never did, and…you abandon her" Charlie's offhanded delivery made the impact of the harsh words that much threatening. "...it is this big story so full of mystery and silence...it was so strange...the whole thing didn't add up." Charlie's eyes screwed closed in accusation, "It never made any sense to me, Edward."

Edward swallowed hard to hide his fear. Charlie was indeed a very dangerous adversary.

He continued at a steady pace, laying out the facts that were piled against Edward.

"…then..6 months of watching Bella suffer, so close to a nervous breakdown," Charlie closed his eyes to recover his calm composure, to maintain his command of the situation. "…then,.Alice appears out of no where and pleads with Bella to run off to _god-knows_-where to talk you down from some unspoken precipice of emotional agnst..."

Charlie's tone turned menacing, thinking of the second crime he'd committed against Bella. "

"…and you all magically return...which also, I have to admit, just never sat right with me..." Charlie shook his head admonishing himself for ever allowing this man back in his house.

"…and a few months later she runs away in a huff to her mother...and she lands on her back for recovering from an strange freak accident... at a _mote_l."

Charlie's interrogation was a direct hit to all Edward's worst fears. It was becoming increasingly difficult to suppress the growl that threatened to rumble as Edward's internal threat-warning systems became activated. _Where was he going with this?_

"You'd think by now you'd realize that this relationship is _cursed._"

Charlie's ironic and nervous laugh was eerie. Edward had to wonder in real fear, ___"Did he suspect something that would cause the family's exposure?"_

"I need to ask you something, Edward_, man to man_, ..." he snickered with the pleasure of using Edward's words against him. "I know for a fact that fully half the grown women in this town would throw themselves into your bed if you so much as looked in their general direction..." Edward turned away in embarrassment . Charlie pounced on his reaction, "please, don't be shy, Edward, surely you know that is true?" Charlie's question was genuine. "...and yet, with Bella you have been a perfect gentleman, …apparently..."

Edward shot him a look to cover the low growl building in his chest. Charlie corrected his course as his questioning had crossed a line that could not be sustained. "Pardon me. You are right. I have no cause to doubt that you have been anything but a gentleman with Bella." Edward shifted in his seat, restless for resolution of Charlie's examination and increasingly unsure about the outcome.

"...you are smart, and good looking,...and affluent..._god knows you are rich_...you could have any woman in the world...and yet you stand here in my broken down 35 year old kitchen, asking for my daughter's hand." Charlie surveyed the meager surroundings.

"What I can't understand is...Don't you think you should play the field, son?"

Edward was actually relieved at the progress made in the blink of an eye and at Charlie's remarkable capacity for thoughtful decision-making. He was trying to see this from Edward's perspective. He was trying to understand. ___"At least there are no bullets or screaming epithets to derail the conversation." _

"Why get married at all?" Charlie asked legitimately, "Ok, so you don't want to be...intimate...outside of marriage...well, that's admirable, really it is, but let's be realistic, Edward. I know that many _responsible_ young people have sex all the time without getting married!"

Suddenly, Charlie seemed jubilant at the idea of premarital sex as an alternative to early marriage. If he'd thought about it he may have had a different notion, but he was clearly desperate to preempt this marriage.

"You guys want to be together, that's really fine... Why not just go away together to college? Go and be together outside of your parents' view? Or why not just lie to my face like normal teenagers-pretend your taking Bella visiting your old sick grandmother while you two are shacking up with her on Spring Break in Cancun or someplace?"

Edward delighted with the vision of the scene--when he and Bella are lounging on the beach in Cancun dazzling the drunken college students with his sparkling light show.

Charlie threw his hands up, "well, wherever...I could handle that...I would understand that, but this...?" His confidence waned and he held his forehead in his hands, doubling over in his chair, unable to continue.

"Why Edward?" he whispered in grief, "Help me understand"

His pain was pitiable, but Edward knew of only one answer.

"I love her, sir."

Charlie's fear and frustration became one emotional flame that burst through all semblance of propriety. "Edward, I am talking about...how the hell is this going to work? I mean...I just don't understand why you would choose to get married when you have so much ahead of you...both of you! How can you possibly know what you want?"

Taking his cue from Charlie's invitation to make his case, Edward waited until the question settled down before he began his well rehearsed opening argument.

"I know we are young, sir, and I know that must be very troubling..." he said, trying to return to his carefully planned script. "...but believe me when I say to you that I love your daughter completely. More than anything, I want to make a life with her, to protect her, to share myself with her, and to grow old with her."

Edward's thoughts ran parallel paths, one focused on Charlie the other focused on what he needed to do. ___"If we are going to have resolution, I cannot hide my feelings from this man, any more."_ Edward saw clearly that the time for all polite and formal pretenses were past. Nothing but direct and honest talk would make this conversation move foreword.

Edward's voice was full of heart-felt emotion that struck Charlie in its authenticity and earnestness. Charlie studied Edward's aquiline features as if he was trying to read the future in his face. After a few quite moments, he spoke;

"Edward," his voice barely above a whisper, "has Bella told you the story of her mother and me, and why our marriage failed?"

It was a story that was eerily parallel, but also not at all relevant. "Just as you say, we also pledged to build a life together and with all the best of intentions we decided to do the 'right' thing and get married. But then the real world caught up with us and our destiny was confirmed with the arrival of our beautiful daughter and believe you me," he said with a smile at the memories he treasured flooded his mind, "we were thrilled...but..," his face deflated, "we were little more than children ourselves. We had no idea that we were not fully prepared for the life we had chosen. We had a lot of growing up to do."

Edward's talents and Charlie's awakened memories gave him unique insight to all the elements of the story of their young hopeful marriage, the birth of Isabella so soon after and the dissolution of that relationship and the arduous journey they each faced trying to maintain long distance parenting. For the first time, Edward could see Bella's life unfolding from Charlie's point of view.

"The simple fact is that her mother and I have basically sworn to assure she will not repeat... _our _experience. " He hesitated to complete the sentence, so as not to be misunderstood. Now, it was Edward who was surprised by Charlie's candor.

"Edward, I want you to understand this" Charlie was particularly cautious on this point, he wanted no mistake to be made. " ...in no way should anyone ever think that her mother and I thought Isabella was...a mistake in our lives. Renee and I, we never thought that, nor for one minute." As the memory of those early days emerged from cold storage, Charlie's face lit up like the fourth of July fireworks. Edward wished above all things that he could capture this experience and share it with Bella. Charlie and Renee were absolutely in love with her from the minute they found out they were expecting. They had married only two months before...

"When she was born, Bella was welcomed with great joy...God, she was so beautiful-you should have seen her. So pink and so perfect!" Edward had never seen this side of Charlie and he doubted Bella ever had either. "Oh...We had so many dreams!"

The memory faded as quickly as it appeared and his voice tumbled from its previously lofty height. "The problem was…we were too young to be raising a child and trying to go to school and holding down two jobs...I had no idea who I was…and Renee…well…."

As his joy was increasingly deflated by the memory of loss, Charlie's voice trailed off, becoming quieter with each word, as if the volume would prevent the words from having meaning in the real world. His warning was a direct channel from the pain of his experience.

"The mistake we made was getting married so young. You are just so young. You don't know what love is yet."

Edward struggled to remain calm and seated although the growl that would not go away rumbled in his chest, threatening to emerge without restraint or warning. Charlie's face was stricken with compassion. 'I know that you don't want me to say this, but you don't know enough about yourselves yet, never mind about the world, to make this kind of commitment. You think you do. But trust me, you don't know anything. You are just a boy. There is so much of the world ahead of you...college, and probably medical school, yes? You certainly have the _grades_, so I am told.."

He looked sideways trying to see a glimpse of recognition from Edward. Charlie seemed genuinely trying to change Edward's mind, not only for Bella's sake, but for his own. For all the bad times, he cared about this kid. It was an incongruous possibility: Charlie wanted to counsel Edward?

"There is plenty of time...for marriage. You have so many things yet to experience."

_"____But there you are wrong__,"_ thought Edward, silently for only a moment before he jumped into the emotions that threatened to take over.

"I do appreciate your wisdom, Chief and I am grateful for your sharing your experience me." Edward admired Charlie. There was a great potential for them to become powerful allies if they could only avoid becoming formidable foes.

"But sir, I think you should know that my life experience is much beyond my years." He tip-toed through this minefield, careful open opportunities for Charlie's curious nature to come up with questions. "Unfortunately, I have indeed seen the world and have come to know myself. I also know what it is to lose the most precious love of all, my parents, and have fought to rebuild my life with a new family."

These words stung Charlie deeply. He too knew what it was to be an orphan. There were certain holes that no surrogate family could fill...no matter how loving. Such abandonment, even in death, left a mark on the soul.

Edward found himself seriously deviating from the script and couldn't seem to get back to neutral ground. He was determined to sway Charlie.

" Last fall, when I left her..." Charlie's heart stopped. Edward heard it and pressed on through the most painful minefield of the past knowing there could be no future with Bella without confronting this dark past.

"I thought I was making a responsible choice because I knew this passion I have for Bella was…dangerous...for both of us. I went even to go so far as to uproot my entire family to remove myself from her life in the fear that we...could become lost in our… passion...desire to be together…I wanted her all together too much.."

Charlie was astounded at Edward's admission. "My parents also recognized the signs," Edward jumped in, following up on Charlie's line of reasoning. "They could see that Isabella and I were headed for serious decisions and serious consequences, so when the job opportunity in LA appeared, well, we decided that it was a good thing for all of us to leave."

"We didn't leave because I wanted to get away from her…because I didn't love her. we left Forks because I was afraid Bella would get hurt by loving me."

Edward's eyes met Charlie's penetrating gaze. "I wanted to keep her from getting too attached to me." Edward faced his accuser with full intent to bear the weight of the consequences of his actions. "I thought I was protecting her."

He wanted Charlie to know that his burden he would carry in his heart forever. "I did nothing but hurt her. I know that now. I don't care about what happened to me, but even now…I will never forgive myself as long as I live."

Charlie was astounded that Edward would dare to touch upon the taboo subject that stood between them. Now he understood the Cullen's speedy departure was intended to try to separate the kids and keep them from exploring this very intense connection which they could not fully comprehend.

Edward hung his head, the wounds still fresh as if they were new. "My intention was that...in time... Bella would think of me as…her first boyfriend and she would get over me. There was a line of boys interested in her…" Edward shame was palpable. "My clinging to her was not good for her and well, I believed that I had to let her go before I hurt her. I thought If we were meant to be together someday it would work out."

"We both know how that turned out."

Edward met Charlie's gaze with the most painful admission of all. "I had no idea what affect my leaving would have on her and I will bare the shame of my dishonor in my heart for all my days," barely above a whisper Edward confessed this his most grievous sin. Charlie was transfixed on Edward's face and was astounded by the young man who sat before him, watching intently as he calmly dared to bare his most private pain.

Charlie was grateful to finally understand that the Cullen's hasty move to LA was a white lie to cover the truth and their expedient return to small town life because Esme was dissatisfied with big city lights, it was because...

"But it was...not possible for me to leave her, " he said, softly, almost too low to register in Charlie's hearing, but he was so intent on listening, he didn't miss a word. "You see, sir," the unnecessary breaths he took hitched in his throat, "...even though my body had departed Forks, I suffered like she did...I didn't live during those four months. I wanted to die because I had lost her and it was entirely my fault."

_Everything Edward said was true and could only take on the full meaning if the complex circumstances were understood._

"I had to come back to her or I thought, maybe there was a chance she would take m back.. I knew in my heart that I had to come back...and then there was...well, you know the story, I don't have...but suffice it to say, I was pretty desperate myself... desperate enough for my sister to steal Bella away to keep me from doing anything..._foolish_." Edward's voice trembled with the grievous error he had almost committed against all of his loved ones, most especially Bella.

The hint of his suicidal thoughts ignited silent alarm in Charlie's attention both as a parent and a police officer. His eyes widened in fearful recognition. _"How close had we been to a real tragedy in those months? We could have lost them both..._ He closed his mind to the thought. But Edward did not shy away from it.

"I know now how bad...things were for Bella, Charlie. Alice has..." Charlie averted his eyes, grim with the memory of his discussion with Alice in this very kitchen. "I was completely lost to life, too."

Edward press on to his conclusion. "My parents were frantic to intervene and reconsider the move to LA and so, we returned...to Forks ...just so that I could try to reconcile with Bella and see what would happen."

Vivid memories of brutal days singed Charlie's already burning heart: Bella's unexpected disappearance and returning three days later in his arms, followed shortly after by a runaway flight to her mother and Carlisle's urgent phone message from the hospital in Phoenix. These were among the low points of his entire adult life, more devastating even that Renee's leaving with Bella so many years ago.

"Since we have returned, I have continually tried to make her see herself with others...to push her to test her feelings, to encourage, no, to practically demand she choose another boy to pursue: Mike, Eric, even _Jacob_,..."

Edward paused as Charlie's eyes darted at the mention of his name. Edward's smile expressed his continued amazement. Bella had chosen him above all the rest.

"But I could not dissuade her." his quiet words echoed his delight.

For a moment, there was silence in the room. Charlie's reception to such brutal honesty was hard to read, even for a telepathic vampire. Against all reasonable thought, Edward hoped Charlie would soon show some outward sign of his feelings but he had to satisfy himself with his thoughts.

"Well,…thank you, Edward. I appreciate your honesty. You got nerve talking to me like this. I have to respect you for that." Charlie's face warm and sympathetic_. "I mean that kid. What you just did…that was sheer guts,"_ he chuckled out loud but commented to himself, _"I never knew you had it in you."_

Edward sighed thankful to have succeeded in the first objective: demonstration of noble intentions, honest dealing, and good character. It was time to tackle the next somewhat more delicate subject of future plans.

Edward knew that Charlie needed to rely on certain facts, that there had to be guarantees that Bella's fundamental needs would be met for him to accept such a presumed doomed young marriage. Certainly, this had to be his primary concern. Secondly, the case had to be made explicitly, without reservation. Edward without this solid foundation of assurance. Charlie's curiosity, intuition and investigative resources could be engaged to satisfy unanswered details. Such scrutiny could expose their secrets put the family in. The plan had to be air tight, complete, and absolute.

Edward prepared—he brought handout materials.

"When it was clear to both of us that the only future we had was together, I began to investigate how we could build up everything we would need to succeed..."

With this bold statement, Edward exposed step by step his carefully thought-out plan to demonstrate his capacity as Bella's provider.

"I have sufficient income to meet the basic needs of living and higher education. I have documents to show that Liquidable cash accounts, securities, and dividend prospects will cover our anticipated expenses. " he spoke evenly, plainly, yet reassuringly and without melodrama. "I want to assure you, sir, she will want for nothing. It is all taken care of."

"What does that mean exactly, Edward-'taken care of...?" he said skeptically.

It was pressures of financial instability which helped to erode his marriage prematurely and as such, financial matters were a painful and constant companion, a testament to his failure in his marriage, to his daughter, and in his life. Edward smiled knowing how thankful he was that Alice had already established a retirement account in Charlie's name. Soon, he would not have to worry about money, either.

"The Cullen's family…has been very fortunate with...several...many well placed investment opportunities, and...with intentionally conservative fiscal management over the years, we are blessed with good fortune." His tone held neither arrogance nor pride, only gratitude for the abundance they enjoyed.

Edward felt he needed to be blatant so Charlie would have not a doubt in his mind. "What I am trying to say, sir is that Bella will not have any financial concerns...for our lifetime."

The matter-of-fact statement was staggering to Charlie. The idea that an 18-year old boy could be set for life could not be more alien to his understanding of the world. It was the stuff of fiction. And sin.

"Really, Edward?" Charlie struggled to hide the sarcasm that brewed beneath the surface. _"I've worked my entire life. I have 20 years left on the mortgage, and I drive a squad car. I don't know anyone who is set up at 18 yrs. old." _

His icy stare was impenetrable, but Edward persevered as this was one of the most important points he had to make, and it had to be handled delicately.

"My father has insisted my siblings and I learn to manage our own portfolio, so that we when we came of age, we' d be independent, self reliant and responsible in finance." To illustrate the point, Edward casually laid dark blue portfolio that contained records attesting to the value of some of his assets and confirming his budgeting. It sat silently waiting for Charlie's inspection; he was too deep in thought to do more than glance at it's shiny cover.

"...the income will enable Bella to pursue higher education in any discipline or field of study at any university we care to attend without any monetary consideration to limit our choices." Edward continued without pause. "I hope she will find a field that will bring her great satisfaction, …her love of literature, perhaps..."

Charlie's head was spinning.

"Regarding college, I have a secret," Edward smirked in pleasure "Bella is not aware of it yet, but we have both been offered a place at Dartmouth for the fall. I intend to see that she graduates."

Charlie was emotionless, still as a stone pillar as Edward produced college brochures for Charlie to peruse later. He laid them on top of the bank ledger; Dartmouth green and Bank of America blue made an interesting combination, vaguely complementary, reminding him of Esme and Carlisle's robes just a few hours ago...

"My father and I have looked into some properties…they look like good investments…a small house, perhaps…near campus..." Photos and MLS listings topped the pile of documentation on the table.

Completely staggered by the details being discussed, Charlie was most shocked into speech at the revelation of her berth to Dartmouth College. "How did you do this, Edward? Did she even apply?" Physical tension building in his body made his voice thin.

"Well, you've caught me, Chief," Edward admitted casually, knowing Charlie would appreciate the humorous nature of his indiscretion.

"Oh,.." Charlie was intrigued at this confession and delighted at his playful turn.

"I guess you could say that I pulled a fast one...sir."

Charlie was consumed with delight..."Well, are you going to tell me, or shall I just get out the cuffs?"

Edward smiled, mustering his dazzling charm, "Well, it not fraud, not _really_, I don't think" he said, peering up at the ceiling with an angle halo over his head.

"It just slipped it by her...the application, I mean." Edward could not help by smirk with pleasure. _"Bella, how I wish you could see your father's face..."_

Charlied was puzzled, his brow knit in confusion.

"Please allow me to explain..." Edward was delighted to have gotten this far in his presentation, but more excited about Charlie's rapt attention to this point. He seemed to be enjoying the crime too.

"...many colleges and universities use a _standard application_...materials can be sent to more than one school with the check of a box...it's a very _convenient _option... if you get what I mean..." Edward cocked one eyebrow and winked an eye heavy with meaning.

Charlie's face exploded in recognition, and clapped his hand over his mouth in disbelief.

"...well...somehow… after Bella signed the application form..."

Charlie grabbed his head with both hands to keep from shattering to a million tiny pieces, thinking, ___"kid, you are too much..."_

Edward had hoped for a reaction just like this and he struggled not to gloat with the brilliance of this deception.

"I had already been accepted to Dartmouth, so when Carlisle inquired to the President about Bella and the possibility of taking us as married students, as a package deal," Charlie's eyes widened with the idea conspiracy, "…no financial aide, well... Edward's hand gesture indicated the ease with which the deal was made.

"Oh, did you know that Carlisle is a very supportive and generous alum of the college..." Edward leaned back a little, his fingers laced together at the base of his neck. "I really look forward to studying the new Humanities Library with Bella,...Carlisle is so please with how it turned out."

" Charlie cheered at the brilliant deceit, thinking, _"please remind me not to cross you or that father of yours!"_ Edward didn't expect reaction and he hoped Carlisle found it humorous. _"…but I don't want to be around when she finds out!"_ Charlie rolled his eyes chuckling to himself the vision of Bella's expected reaction.

Edward almost blew his cover as a mind reader by answering out loud, "Yeah, I know I am going to catch hell from her, but it is worth it!"

Charlie's mood had improved considerably in the last few minutes. But rather than take his winnings, Edward felt the compulsion to complete the picture of the future he envisioned for his bride. He was brutally honest with Charlie, not to brag or call attention to what the Cullen's money could do for Bella, but to insure that Charlie understood what financial freedom would mean to her life.

"But Dartmouth is just a starting place...she might hate it," he laughed thinking of Bella up to her ears in snow. "The point is…if Bella wanted to study bee-keeping in Australia or knitting in Nepal," he said with good humor but unwavering intent, "...or cardiology at Harvard Medical or immigration law at Yale...finances will neither derail her dreaming about it nor making that dream come true. Nothing will be impossible."

An Ivy League degree was something Charlie never allowed himself to dream of with the limitations of his meager salary and his lack of social network. He had already secured a second mortgage to pay her way to University of Alaska and was completely committed to the promise he had made to himself on the day of her birth. Charlie would see her through school even if it meant he was bagging groceries in his golden years.

Charlie's face was pale and hot tears came to his eyes, so overwhelming was the outrageous idea that his baby's college education was assured—without the worries that accompany crushing debt. This offer from Edward was staggering and life changing for both of them.

"Bottom line is...the financial support will be there to make it possible to undertake any educational experience or pursue any career objective, or entrepreneurial scheme, and anything else she might care to do with her life."

Edward could see he was winning him over and was in the home stretch of this segment of his presentation. "I hope this talk of money is not crass, sir. I only mean to convey that even though we are young, we will not live in dire need as many young couples might. Completing our education in preparation for a professional career is my primary goal for both of us for the nearest future."

"Edward," Charlie's interruption started at Edward by taking another unexpected turn, "don't you think it is about time you started calling me, "Charlie'?" Edward's crooked smile did not adequately convey his delight at this level of intimacy. "I would like that very much..._Charlie_."

Edward had indeed dazzled Charlie, not with supernatural gifts, but with his all too human heart. At this achievement he was ecstatic.

"None of this matters, however...without you and Renee. We could never be successful, even with all the money in the world, if we don't have your support. It would break Bella's heart to try, and break mine to watch her suffer in the attempt."

It was obvious. Charlie knew he was defeated long ago--from the moment Edward asked for his blessing, he was resisting the outcome that was inevitable. It had all been a matter of formality, but in that a bond had been created. A bond of trust between two men who loved Bella with all their being.

"You certainly have carefully thought out this plan, Edward." Charlie suppressed a nervous giggle , thinking "excellent, persuasive argument…maybe you should be a lawyer?"

Edward was gracious in victory, elated, yet he sensed Charlie needed closure on something, but he couldn't tell from his thoughts...his quick mind surprised suddenly took the conversation in yet another unexpected direction.

"There is just thing I wonder about, Edward..."

Edward held his breath. He was keenly aware that Charlie's extraordinary human powers of observation were alerted long ago to something unusual with the entire Cullen family. Remarkably, it only took a few weeks for Bella to uncover their secret held unbroken for hundreds of years. She snapped their cover like a twig. That remarkable latent-psychic talent had to come from somewhere, and in this case, Edward had no doubt it was a undeveloped talent she shared with Charlie.

Both as the Chief and as a citizen of Forks, Charlie believed he was above the locals petty suspicions about the Cullen family and the unscientific mythical superstitions of the Quileute tribesmen shown towards the newcomers. Edward could tell Charlie sensed that there was something strange, something his inquisitive mind would not let go of-but he could just not put his finger on it. Charlie would be a dangerous adversary if he chose to be.

"The truth is...you _surprise _me, Edward. You _often _surprise me. You are...surprising."

Edward was still, unable to see Charlie's logic, as it was evolving in real time.

"You especially surprised me when I saw you at Billy's the night of Jacob's motorcycle accident. You were more like a brother to him, sharing the grief and anxiety of his tribal family and his friends" Charlie's attitude was warm and deliberate.

"Your behavior was very surprising to me," he said remembering the fuss only days before the accident when Bella broke her hand slapping Jacob because he kissed her.

"I mean, you were remarkably compassionate considering Jacob was trying to shake Bella's attention from you...your behavior was very surprising indeed." Charlie bit his lip slightly, shaking his head, trying to unwrap the mystery that lay before him.

"Why is that?" Charlie was perplexed. "How could you do that?"

Edward said flatly, "Charlie, you have no idea the efforts he took to get rid of me, but I couldn't hurt her by hating him. I wanted her to choose freely, and I would have to live with her decision. I could not keep her from seeing him for as long as she wanted to."

In confidence, Charlie admitted out of the side of his mouth, "If she had been mine, I am sure I would have run him down like..."

"...like a dog?' Edward laughed boisterously, enjoying the levels of secret embedded in that statement.

" You didn't jump to the normal teen-age response." Charlie continued to ponder the implications. Edward's extraordinary senses jumped to alert as he attempted to search in vain through Charlie's mind, to decipher this line of questioning.

_"Where is he going with this?"_ Edward wondered.

"Edward, I underestimated you...you are a man beyond your years."

Edward's head began to swim with the abundant irony, "_Alice is not going to believe this, first Jacob is a dog, and now I am an old man..."_

"You are mature, prepared, and clearly passionate in your love and care for my Isaella." Charlie's use of her proper name thrilled him and could only mean one thing.

"...You've done such a good job coming here, answering my questions about the hard stuff…" Charlie shook his head in affirmation of his respect.

"You have proven yourself a brilliant, caring and generous of spirit. How could I not give you my consent now that I see now how capable you are and how very much you love her? …clearly my baby loves you madly...so, how could I want her to be with anyone else…"

Edward nearly felt his stone cold heart begin to beat.

"Edward Cullen," Charlie's formality expressed his desire to make this moment as monumental to Edward as it was for him but humor was also required to temper the intensity. "Although it is likely her mother will hang me from a tree until I am dead..."

Edward held his breath in anticipation of the words he longed to hear.

"I am honored to offer you my daughter's hand in marriage…"

"However, you must promise to live happily ever after so I don't have to hunt you down and shoot you." We laughed but I believed he was only half joking.

Overtaken with the heady emotional moment couched in humor, Edward was tripping over his words, trembling with the joy he could not repress. He was astounded to think he was able to reveal himself so completely to a man whom he had feared despised him.

"Charlie, I love her more than I can express." Edward wanted the tears he felt but could not produce. Charlie admired him with a deep affection, "I know you do,...son."

"Your blessing...it means the world to me."

His voice was ripe with emotion as he made a promise that was a scared vow. "I will not let you down, ..._Charlie_." Before the pleasure of saying his name passed, another important point flashed in Edward's brain and he was compelled to share with Charlie.

"I know the Cullen clan is…a mob, practically and we can be a bit...overwhelming. But, I want you to know that they love her as a sister…and as a daughter. They will always see her as one of our own. She will never be alone or without counsel."

Charlie's eyes glowed with tears as he was confronted with his secret and subconscious regret that Bella was an only child—just as he and Renee were. He suddenly recognized that in marrying Edward she acquired a fine husband and a Brady Bunch sized handful of siblings as well. It was another gift he would bestow.

There was a strange silence as Charlie offered Edward his hand. Victorious in his quest, Edward took it heartily and without any prudent hesitation. Their mutual admiration Bella was sealed forever in that embrace.

In the microseconds between decision and action they were interrupted by a very familiar sound: the distinct rumble of racing tires on the brick driveway.

At the sound of Alice's insufferable giggle, Charlie remarked, "Uh-oh, looks like we have company..."

"Don't worry, kid. You'll get used to it." Charlie confided, clapping Edward on the shoulder in a collegial manner.

"Women--it's like they can read our minds..."

With a howl of unrepressed laughter the two men shook hands. Their grip never lessened, arms pumping in unison, so pleased they were with themselves--like partners in crime.

The energized echoes of manly laughter in the air, this lightly awkward and affectionate moment was completely broken by the crash of the screen door being ripped open and slamming loudly against the siding. A windswept Bella burst through the door frame, gasping for air. Alice bounced with significantly more grace. Both women were visibly distressed at the sight of Edward and Charlie's handshake and embrace. Bella's face was frozen in panic.

"Edward? " Bella spoke in a quiet, controlled, almost unearthly, calm voice which she reserved for only the most dire of circumstances, such as talking down a jumper from a ledge, or dissuading a bank robber to let the hostages go, or when she was on verge of losing consciousness. He was pretty sure into which category this moment belonged.

"Edward," she repeated calmly, "what are you doing?"

Bella and Alice unabashedly stared at the tight grip he had on Edward's hand, their eyes dancing between the two, in fear that the great secret was at risk because any moment now he would realize that Edward's hand was hard as stone and cold as ice, yet Edward was not in the least concerned.

Charlie chimed in hoping to save Edward's neck, by saying off handedly, "oh, nothing...honey, don't worry" he said with a smirk. "Edward and I have an gentleman's agreement, an understanding, that's all...don't we, son?"

He capped off his performance with an obvious conspiratorial wink to his new best buddy. Charlie leaned in to Edward, nudging him with his shoulder, whispering _"Boy, are you going to catch hell for this!...better you than me...!"_

Edward shook his head in wonder, as Charlie continued to address Bella.

"Don't worry, Bells! Everything is just fine!" he said, looking down at Edward's hand still in his grip. "You know what they say, ...cold hands, warm heart."

Alice practically levitated trying to contain the surreal experience of the moment, then in the next, she was unable to remain composed. She could see the vision of the future was clear. She jumped, clapping hands exuberantly in response the hysterical irony of Charlie's observation. Her display signaled Bella that the news was all good.

Edward pulled Bella close to him, his fingers hooked on the belt loops of her jeans and he kissed her gently on the lips, sighing with relief. With an inkling of what had transpired here tonight between Edward and Charlie, Bella fear turned to fire in her eyes, as if to say: _"____Edward, what have you done? You were just shaking hands with my father." _

Although Edward could not read the specific content of her thought, context clues and body language he made an intuitive guess. "It's ok," he whispered in her ear so no one could hear. "It's more than ok. He said, 'yes!"

Before she could accuse him, he quickly extinguished her ire with cool thin lips pressing on her soft, willing mouth. It was this passion that sealed the promises of the day and foretold of the joys of a future together. Laughing riotously and applauding with Alice, they all celebrated.

Finally, feigning distaste for this overtly public display of affection, Charlie faked a grumble, "Okay, you two...get a room!" He sounded like Emmett. Bella scowled at Charlie's absolute ability to break the spell. "Dad..." she huffed

"Well, enough already with the kissing!" he protested, "I wanna see that ring!"

Bella automatically gazed down at her left hand on which Edward had only hours ago placed on her finger the ring that she would wear into eternity. Smiling at Edward, still memorized by chaos of emotions in the room, they presented it for his inspection.

Instantly, Charlie knew that this was a ring neither purchased to impress nor to proclaim the wealth that was available to the Cullen family.

"It is the ring my father, Edward Masen, gave my mother, Elizabeth, on their wedding day." Edward said, admiring it himself, musing over the two people whom he would never know whose love brought him into the world. Watching the diamonds throwing rainbows around the room from the eerie yellow light of the TV he could not help but think how they would have loved his bride.

"It is so beautiful, Bella..." he said quietly, unable to take his eyes of the third finger of his daughter's left hand. "Edward, it is absolutely perfect..." It stirred his emotions to see the sight. Bella seemed so delicate and yet safely protected in a remarkable young man's embrace.

Charlie could no longer mask his emotions and he broke down in joyful tears, His thoughts were so poignant and loving Edward longed for Bella to hear them herself.

_"____He could have bought her any ring in the world but he chose instead to give her the ring that graced his lost mother's hand...just another sign that he is perfect for Bella...he knows her better than she knows herself...my baby will have a wonderful husband in him and a charmed life with him."_

Edward shared Charlie's thoughts with Alice and she was so overcome with emotion at his tenderness; she had to sit down, her face buried in her hands, wanting of the joyful tears that would never come.

"My baby girl is getting married...!" he blubbered out the words through his free-flowing tears. Bella's face went white, then flushed with crimson when she caught sight of Charlie's tears in his eyes. She ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck and holding his embrace with all her strength, she said, "Daddy, I love him so much. I am so happy." Her crying began in earnest long before her sentence was complete.

"I know, Bells," He patted her back gently, trying to get her to break her hold on him before he'd drown in his own tears. "...and I am so happy for you both, I really am," he said in complete honesty.

An expected twinge of guilt sent his associative talents off in an unexpected direction.

"...but you understand my only concern; my only wish, is that you should see the world before you settle down." Charlie's backpedaling was only half inspired. "There is just so much of the world to see before you have to worry about grown up stuff..."

"What a fabulous idea that is, Charlie..." Alice chimed in as if on cue. "You guys should _definitely_ travel, see the _world_." She gasped with a delightful inspiration.

"Charlie's absolutely right! You should start off your life with a _huge_ honeymoon trip!" Her tone convinced Charlie it was all his idea. "What's one year, anyway! College will still be there, right? But that first year of marriage...that only happens once!"

Alice's charms always worked on Charlie. She was even able to make him suggest that they should consider delaying matriculation for a year, so they could start their marriage off on solid ground before the pressures of school and life set in on them. In his heart, Charlie had a notion that this time together could inoculate them against the pressures that could tear them apart.

_It was a grand idea, but not just for these obvious reasons._

An extended honeymoon world tour would be a perfect cover story for Bella's newborn adjustment period. With a year to accomplish the change and to develop the skills she needed to manage human society, she could return, hopefully, without having raised any suspicions or hurting anyone's feelings for having been away so long. Friendly post cards from Cape Hope, New Zealand, Moscow, Machu Pichu, the Orient Express, Alaska, Antarctica, Katmandu and all the other exotic ports of call they could devise would maintain the charade and no one would be the wiser.

It was a brilliant solution to both problems.

With Charlie's blessing the world tour, Bella had everything in place to plan both of the big events of the summer: her wedding and her changing. Alice rolled her eyes in disbelief at the amazing perfection with which this entire situation had resolved itself. No elaborate planning could manifest nor could any psychic ability have foretold this turn of events of Edward's bare honesty and Charlie's ironically accurate observations. The total emotional release of this event was mind boggling.

Edward instantly realized that tonight Bella gained complete freedom: Charlie's blessing and permission, encouragement, and pressure to take the opportunity to be in far away places and incommunicado over the next year fell right into the master plan for their immediate future. He hoped he could use that time to indeed expand and delight in human experiences before Bella joined him as an immortal..

_Alice interrupted his thought with hers____, "There are no real obstacles now to Bella's changing...if that is what she wants, Edward._

_"Yes, that's true, Alice" Edward replied with that signature crooked smile that spoke paragraphs without uttering a word, "but first, she will be my Bride."_

Taking her blushing cheeks to his face he sealed the evening with a delicious kiss. She responded to him, lingering, still not wanting the magic to pass into the night. He whispered, "I love you, Mrs. Cullen" and smiled in wicked delight. "You are my one and only love."

-fine-

"Evening Star" is an original FanFiction novel by Patricia Finn Rapiejko

Based on the characters depicted in Stephanie Meyer's _Twilight saga._


	4. Preparations

DISCLAIMER: ORIGINAL MATERIAL BASED ON THE TWILIGHT SAGA CHARACTERS OF STEPHANIE MEYERS

**Wedding Planning Interrupted**

_The days have been filled with the tedium of rubber stamping Alice's decisions and the constant struggle against my delusional belief that I could ever win an argument with a vampire. A force of nature under any circumstance, Alice has really taken wedding planning to a higher art form. Alice is my maid-zilla of honor—and there is absolutely no way to corral her momentum. She is a wedding machine. Disabused of hope there would be any reason at all that I should be able to participate in the planning of my wedding, I pretend interest nonetheless for Alice's sake…_

_At least I did win out on the idea that we would not have a big reception party, just an intimate gathering of friends and family with simple canapés, champagne, wedding cake, flowers and music. One of my secret wedding wishes came true when Rosalie accepted my invitation to stand up with me as my sister and bridesmaid. I think she was genuinely surprised that I was so excited and she said she was honored to be asked. One cannot have too many sisters and I hope that Rosalie really understands how very much I would like to be her—and not just for the pictures…but forever._

_Though it was a coup de tat, .I did manage to band the cliché "Here Comes the Bride' and "There goes the Bride" which are the traditional processional and recessional music. Apparently, Carlisle considered Wagner a personal friend, which was supposed to clinch my acceptance of these classics tunes. But I won Alice over when I told her that although the Bridal __Chorus__ from Wagner's opera __Lohengrin__, and the __Wedding March__ from_ _Mendelssohn's ballet __Midsummer Night's Dream__, were fine pieces of music, but they were stories of fantasy, murder, sex, and other earthly delights that really didn't belong in our lovely, traditional service. It was hypocritical, of course, but she couldn't argue with her own twisted reasoning and so, she let me off the hook. _

_We going to have traditional Irish folk tunes played on a Celtic harp. Edward is picking them out. _

_Little did I know these were the very least of my problems._

* * *

"oh shit…!" Alice hissed as she ran up the stairs and burst into the room long before the receiver reached the handset, and just before the first of many tears fell on what would become the single worst day of Bella's life. As she turned to face the opening door, her eyes burned with a profound sadness which she could barely comprehend.

_I didn't have the ability to form the words, but Alice already knew what they would be._

"I thought it was a misunderstanding, a mistake…," Bella said, trembling, disintegrating into a thousand pieces and into her big sister's little arms. "…but now I know it is true,…" Like an avalanche they crumpled to the floor with the shock of the news she had just received.

"My mother is not coming to the wedding."

"oh Bella!" In spite of the vision predicting it, Alice was shocked to hear the words.

"I just talked to her…it's true." Bella face was frozen in shock as the reality of their conversation just began to settle into her consciousness.

_My mother had rejected me and in doing so, she had broken my heart._

"I should have known better, Alice. I should have just sent a card from a chapel in Las Vegas, so then she couldn't do anything, couldn't say anything about it. Maybe if it was impulsive …"

"…or if I was _pregnant_, then it would have been _necessary_, and that would have been ok,…

"but _this_…actually _wanting_ to be happily married and plan a whole life with the man I cannot live without, to my soul mate …well, she just can't handle that …can't handle that I would actually choose to get married at all nevermind right after graduation…so she is not going to…"

"Who was I kidding? How could I have ever expected her to approve—I didn't think she'd like it, but I never dreamed…"

"… she wouldn't be at my side…I never considered she would do this…to _me_."

Bella collapsed again, wailing in pain, keening with the heavy burden of such unexpected grief. The piercing sounds of her distress alarmed Esme and Rosalie who, followed by the men, came running into Edward's room, convinced that Bella must have done some grave physical harm to herself. But as they drew closer, Jasper could tell the cries were clearly of a pain much deeper than an gash or broken bone and more potent than any concussive force, yet they still felt deeply anxious and their protection instinct where all things Bella are concerned took over. Virtually in unison, they bounded up the staircase and burst into the room, to find Bella sobbing incoherently with no outward sign of injury and Alice standing frozen at her feet.

Emmett was the first on the scene. No on of the Cullen's was more fiercely protective of his fragile little human sister than he.

"Talk to me Bella…" he said with authority. His was not Carlisle's bedside manner but it was highly effective. Gathering her up from the floor and laid her gently on the leather chaise, all the while observing each possible sign of trauma, monitoring her vital signs. Training as an EMT never really left the consciousness of anyone who had served others in emergency circumstances, and under the stress of a family member's suffering such memory propelled him into action.

Jasper's face reflected Bella's pain, as he registered the sensations of her emotional state and attempted to inform his brother that what Bella suffered was not a medical emergency.

"_Emmet, I think…it is a broken heart that cries…."he broadcast to him._

Emmet persisted with questioning her knowing that the phone would ring any moment and they needed to have answers. "Tell me what's wrong Bella? Have you been hurt? Come on, now, kid. Are you ok?"

Emmett's concern for his baby sister was extraordinarily tender considering how he enjoyed teasing her to utter distraction. This was different—no one was allowed to make her this upset--not even him.

_Have you been hurt?_

_I remembered those words, echoes of a grief long forgotten harkening to a time wet with the soaking moss of the cold forest floor when she was rescued by the strong arms of a stranger named Sam._

Bella could not speak for the trembling and her wild eyes of panic and fear terrified the Cullen's into an eerie collective silence. They had not witnessed Bella's breakdown when they suddenly departed Forks on Edward's insistence that he was bad for Bella, but Alice had shared as best he could what information she had gleened from Charlie about the elements of Bella's subsequent clinical depression and lasting psychological distress.

"_But she was fine this morning…"_

Clearly, this shock must be caused by a single instance, an event, and her reaction to whatever has happened is only initial, but everyone feared the possibility that her emotions could get the better of her. Once a loved one has experienced a breakdown, family feared the hurricane at the slightest hint of rain.

Emmett began to struggle with a feeling building in him that could only be called rage, With a heated restraint he growled, "where is Edward…?"

His raw emotion and the possibility of disaster created an electric charge in the air as the unbearable thought raced through their minds until Alice diverted their anger as she thought the words she dared not to speak_…_

"_Big trouble…with Renee…about the wedding."_

The audible gasp from the breathless creatures was entirely involuntary and highly appropriate. Relieved as they were to know that Edward was not the cause of Bella's suffering , the idea that her mother was the problem offered no solace. It only brought more confusion to an already chaotic situation. They were shocked at the news.

"How can this be?" Esme cooed piteously.

Alice's cell phone sprang to life almost immediately. Carlisle and Edward were nearby and no doubt had received the cascade of fear and emotion that erupted in the house. His attention was never far from Alice's mind: she was his radar when he was away from Bella. Esme answered, quietly murmuring the details of the scene as she understood it.

Alice retrieved the crumpled letter that lay by the phone and as she began reading it, the contents were instantly transmitted telepathically to Edward and the entire family.

_**Dear Bella, Please forgive me for writing to you like this, but I see no alternative. I am traveling so much with Phil's schedule the changing time zones are making me crazy... I can't figure out when to call...and you are never home anymore, it seems. But I didn't want to wait another day. I hope we can talk about this on the phone soon. I have to just say it quickly or I am afraid I won't be able to do it at all so forgive me for being if it sounds cold or abrupt. I don't mean it that way. I don't want to upset you, but I know that I will, and I hate that you will be upset, but the bottom line is... I cannot come to your wedding. I am sorry. I just can't. I don't want to blame it on Phil—although on such short notice that is an issue because the team is traveling that weekend, but that is only a small part of the problem. I know you are disappointed but the circumstances are much more complicated than they might seem. I hope someday you will understand and forgive me. You know that I love you and you know I only want the best for you. I have to be honest with you: I have struggled for my entire adult life to make a better start for you…so I have to say that I cannot help but feel you are making a huge mistake. I know you will be happy with Edward, and I hope you have a good life together, and I am sorry I can't share in the celebration. Please call me when you can. I love you, Mom**_

Alice's composure turned to fury as the details of the exchange between mother and daughter fell into play.Nothing made sense.

"_There has got to be an explanation and we have to find out what it is?" _she demanded it more of herself than of him_. "…the circumstances are more complicated than they might seem… what does that mean?" _Alice set out immediately to vision an answer to explain Renee's bizarre behavior that threatened to destroy her daughter's joy at her wedding. _"what could be so important as to keep her away?"_

"Perhaps you should call Charlie, Edward? What do you think?" Esme cooed softly, perched on the arm of the chaise smoothing Bella's hair as she spoke, "Surely he would want to know… as soon as possible about this…situation."

_Although his voice was tiny and far away, leaking from the receiver, I could tell he was a jumble of emotion: upset, worried, angry and sad. He felt guilty somehow that he was responsible for my mother's decision to stay away and he once again was the source of my pain._

"No, don't, don't you dare!!" Bella wailed in protest, sitting straight up in a demonstration of her diminished self control, brushing away tears with vehemence. "Please, don't put this on Charlie…it couldn't be fair to him…this is my mom and me…it's my problem, not his." Strength and conviction against this injustice tried to surface in between sniffles, but the Cullen's knew her too well for the charade to be accepted as truth.

"No, darling, you are wrong." Esme said lovingly, pulling her into her lap, holding Bella's tear stained face to her abdomen, patting her back like a distressed infant, "it is _everyone's_ problem dear and we will all try to make things right, you see. We all care about you and Renee too. Don't worry, my darling…everything will turn out fine. Maybe she just needs some time…"

_Time was not something we had an abundance of—the wedding was only a month away and the mother of the bride responded in writing she will not attend was not something easily dismissed or altered._

At the same time that she comforted Bella, Esme continued to comfort her son still hanging on by a thread of reason on the phone, "Yes, Edward," she said with a smile, looking down at Bella with a radiant warmth, an expression of perfect love and understanding. "I will certainly tell her that, Edward," she said courteously. She looked down to meet Bella's swollen mottled face as she mouthed the words, "_do you want to talk to him?_", hoping he could help soothe her agitation.

Overcome with a new wave of emotion, fear and sublime sadness at the thought of Edward's reaction to this news, Bella could not speak and waved her hands, unable to face the sound of his voice, trying to be brave, trying to mask the unnecessary guilt he no doubt would feel at her devastation and suffering. Esme pursed her lips in acknowledgement, knowing that there are times when talking doesn't salve wounds. Kissing Bella on the head and she squeezed her shoulders in agreement: there was no need to talk anymore now.

"Don't worry, Edward, we will take good care.

Bella waved her arms, shaking off the tears, thinking better of her decision. The agony he would feel being left out of this moment was worse than saying the words. He needed to be the voice she heard. Esme looked again, and smiled at her sweet little girl making such a grown up decision.

Edward, wait. Here's Bella."

Esme sat down beside her, smoothing her ruffled hair as if the gesture could soothe her ruffled emotions. It did of course. Bella held her breath a moment, swallowing the erratic twitches of sob and sniffles that jerked her body involuntarily. "Hello, Edward," she sighed, after a moment of silence that seem too very long.

Careful to observe every detail he could take from Alice's projection and eager to reach out to his darling, cursing absence from her, he said the only thing he could think of to salve her pain. "I love you, Bella."

She smiled at the sound and tears pooled on her lashes. She didn't want to hear about apologies and sympathy. All that mattered, all she needed was to know that as she faced the rejection of her mother, she was loved by her family. Most of all by him. "I am having a really bad day," she said bravely, but a shaking quiver belied her state; she wasn't going to fool anyone, least of all him, but she could manage a shred of dignity. "Edward, can you home home now? I need you here." Tears ran silently down well worn tracks in her cheeks, but her voice did not break as her breath was even and calmed by the sound of his voice. She looked to Jasper across the room with a upturned if weak smile of gratitude.

_His is a very handy talent, indeed._

Edward swallowed the venom he felt rising in anger over this insult to his sweet Bella. Through the clarity of Alice's sight, he'd seen every tear, heard every wail. Stocially, he supplied the words she needed more than any other.

"I am almost home, Bella."

Bella nodded without making a sound and without thinking how he would receive her response. She handed the silver phone back to Esme and slid back to comfort her hot cheek against the cool smooth leather.

You see..." Esme said, reassuring him again. "Take your time. Be safe. Everything is well in hand." She closed the phone with a quiet click.

_Esme had been more than a mother to me this past year, she was becoming a confident and a friend. But she was not the only one endevoring to become closer to Bella._

Rosalie brought in a tray with some chocolate milk and warm tall house cookies. She looked at Bella with a hopeful face, wishing she could entice her to take one. She laid the tray on the floor near the chaise, murmuring low under her breath, "mmmm, chocholate...you know you want it...mmmm...smells so tempting..." Bella looked at the blonde goddess who until recently would not offer her the time of day, nevermind deliver human chocolate delicacies on a tray. In a desperate measure to secure the reaction she sought, Rose lay down on the carpeting, her face in her icly pushed the tray closer, inched it closer and closer to her face to catch her attention. It was an unexpected and very human gesture that did not go unnoticed by Bella or the siblings. Bella was very moved by her kindness; she smiled weakly and managed to say, "Thank you, Rose," as she forced her self to sit up. Rose handed her a glass and theatrically produced a wild looking twisted straw from out of thin air, like a magician. Bella's eyes sparkled for a moment and in a spontaneous reflex of childlike glee, she clapped her hands to her chest. "You remembered my crazy straw, Rose?" They giggled together before Bella's smile slipped away. Rose planted the straw, delivered the glass, and patted her gently on the leg. Bella nibbled the cookie and sipped as Rose watched her carefully.

This quiet moment was broken into self consciousness as Rose became aware of the others in the room. Their unsettling open-mouthed staring and incomprehensible to Rose who spat at them with annoyance, "_What_?" she spat, snidely, "_I thought_…_Maybe she's needing some sugar_…_to perk her up…what?" _

Rose was convinced that it was woman's work to put the pieces back together of this broken bridal dream so she shooed the men from the room. Jasper could work his magic at a distance, but the real problem that had to be dealt with up close and personal was women's work. Mother's and daughters…was too complicated a subject to be explored otherwise.

Emmett was visibiliy irritated to be bannished from the seat of her need. In spite of all his merciless teasing, Emmett deeply loved Bella and felt it his duty to care for her. His heart told him that perhaps it was best, that maybe she needed to be surrounded and protected only by the love that the women could give...but he didn't like it. Jasper knew he would feel connected no matter where he was in the house, the emotional energy emanating from the room was overpowering. "Bella," Emmett said landing a heavy paw on her shoulder, "...just say my name...ok...you don't even have to scream..." He tossled her hair much more gently than was usual and the big brother that she never had was gone. "I love you, Emmett," she whispered and she giggled to hear him bellow from down the stairs, "You'd BETTER!"

The respite brought by chocolate and giggles was fleeting. In the silence that enveloped them, Bella sunk once again into the reailty of her turmoil. She wasn't alone. She was surrounded by all the wormen who loved her...save one. And yet she was lost in her grief and loss for the one. She sighed heavily, her chest bearing a weight greater than her pain, greater because it was fresh and she knew that in loss the burden grew more intesne before it got better.

Esme's maternal instincts and nurturing care focused her energies entirely on the need to help Bella understand this terrible disappointment. She knew it was not only the fact that Renee would not be here that disturbed Bella. It was much deeper than that.

"This is a terrible shock, I know my dear,…in time we can think about what it all means. But for now it is just hurting, isn't it?" Esme said, joining her on the chaise, laying her hand on her flank, requesting entry into her private shell.

"Bella, your mother loves you very much and in the best way she knows how…" Bella climbed up into Esme's arms. She was soft and warm even though she was hard and cold. "Renee loves you in her own way, dear", rocking her as a baby Esme felt closer to this grown baby than she could have dreamed possible. Inhaling her scent she smiled thinking of Edward and his happiness.

"She loves you, even if it is not the way you want to be loved by her." Bella listened carefully, calm and quieted by the lulling sound of her musical voice. "She wants what she thinks is best for you—she always has. You can see that can't you, my dear? Bella contemplated the idea that this bitter disappointment in maternal love could be all she could hope for. She knew all her life, as she was increasingly called upon to mother her mother, that Renee could only give what she had to give, and Bella grew up more independent and capable because of it. Should it be a surprise that she would need to assert that independence now, and she would find herself looking for her mother's approval just as she was becoming a woman?

_Her approval is one thing, I never thought she would approve of me getting married now, but I did expect her acceptance of my decision and support of my life choices. I thought that kind of approval was separate thing, one I thought was unconditional._

"Think about it from her perspective, dear," Esme's softness seemed perfectly natural in spite of her cold marble skin.  
"She is afraid you are making the same choices that she made and that scares her because she wanted you to be anything else but like her, somehow she thought you to be better than she is…"

A terrifying thought raced through Bella's mind: "…_was she ashamed of herself because she got married so young and then had to have me…did I ruin my mother's life?"_

"Sometimes when people we love disappoint us you have to remind yourself, they can only give what they have got to offer—may Renee needs to find something in herself. In her letter she said she had struggled to keep you from making the same choice she did…she had big dreams for you that she never had for herself, college, maybe a big career and she's afraid this decision to get married so young will keep you from those things."

I knew that Renee never saw herself as a career woman, but I did grow up thinking I would be. _How much trouble did I have at first accepting Edward's proposal…isn't it logical that she would have trouble accepting it too._

" …maybe she feels it is a personal failure that you have done that very thing…?"

_I was beginning to believe that Jasper had been rubbing off some of this talent on Esme._

"Give her some time, I bet you she will reconsider."

_I am convinced Esme's smile was the answer to world peace._

Esme pulled me close to sit with her till I was practically in her lap, cradling me in her arms pushed me closer and closer to understanding the core issue at stake that I was struggling with: it was not so much my mother's rejection of me but my own fears. For some strange reason, I needed her permission to live my life as an adult.

"There comes a times when everyone must venture out on their own, Bella. and it seems to be that you began that process long ago when you decided to leave your life in Arizona. You did a dramatic thing, deciding to let you mother pursue her new life with her new husband. Did you just decide that yourself? Or did you decide it with her?"

_Thinking back, I realized I never really asked Renee what she wanted; I just told her I was leaving. _

"I am sure that was a very difficult for both of you…maybe more than you realized…it was very thoughtful, full of thought, I mean, such a loving, and grown-up decision you made, a gift you gave to your mother, one that she embraced and appreciated—the opportunity to start her new life, make herself happy in her new marriage. But maybe, deep down,…perhaps your mother felt funny, maybe she just could not understand why you left her.."

_How must that have broken her heart—even if she didn't show it. I left her to go to Charlie. I didn't mean to but I rejected her, didn't I?_

"…and now that you have really shown yourself to be an adult, a young woman ready for marriage…maybe she thinks you don't need her anymore."

My heart stopped for a moment as I contemplated the idea that my mother would feel cut out from my life. _I had cut her out. I didn't mean it. _"And whatever circumstance that would keep her from being here for you…well, maybe she thinks it won't matter too much to you."

"It might be something very strong that has nothing to do with you…it is possible, isn't it?" her mind shifted gears, looking for an alternative, she searched with curiousity the possibilities, "…could there be another reason, perhaps…that might keep her from coming…maybe something with Phil? Or maybe… Charlie? Or her memories of being here…? Could it be too painful to return to Forks, to relive all that happened to her here?

_I could see all Esme's points…there could be lots of reasons for Renee's absence._

"I guess you are right, Esme. But it still doesn't make any sense." The force of tears created by such pain could not be held back. "Why would she do this to me, Esme?

"Oh, Bella," she said, rocking me gently in her strong embrace. For a few moments, we were silent, only the sound of tears and broken breath could be heard, until losing energy, the tingling of over crying and hyperventilation set a calm peace over Bella. Jasper, no doubt, had some hand in this. The storm had passed.

Esme gently offered a conclusion to allow Bella to move forward out of this broken state and into action. "It doesn't make any sense, I know…but you have to remember one thing, Bella." she lifted her chin to see her eyes, "This is Renee's choice. You can't change anything except your own behavior…Lets' see what happens…there is still plenty of time…she is only a plane ride away."

"But," her face took a serious change and she gave my chin a specific squeeze, her thumb and forefinger gripping lightly, shaking gently as if for emphasis. "… if she doesn't change her mind, well then, you have a choice to make…you can choose to suffer the grief that it is not possible for you to have her understanding and approval. Or you can rejoice in the idea that you have made a choice that makes you happy and you can hope that one day she may see the glorious and awesome woman you have become and she will want to be a part of your life, as an equal."

Alice was curled up in the corner, very quite and removed from the conversation. She was rocking gently back and forth in her trance searching for Renee's thoughts in the ether of her foresight when suddenly her eyes widened, obvious with realization, in an expression that I had come to recognize. It was the a sign that she had a vision and the blank expression spread on her face. She blinked her eyes repeatedly as if she could not believe what she saw. It was a look of astonishment that seemed odd because it was very hard to surprise a psychic.

"What is going on, Alice? What do you see?" Bella demanded immediately, unfairly pushing for an instant answer before Alice was released from her altered state. She was frantic for any explanation to gain a measure of relief from this tortured state and to gain insight to her mother's decision.

So enraptured in her expectation of Alice's response, Bella didn't notice how Esme and Rose were distracted and their faces expressed a wide-eyed incredulity as they stared into Alice's' unspoken message

"Tell me, whatever it is, I don't care how bad, please!" she insisted.

A long moment of silence separated Bella's demand from the news. Alice seemed to be stunned by what she saw, but was reluctant to tell Bella directly the contents of the message. Bella, desperate for any information thought little about the disconnect between what Alice told her and the severity of the response of her vision.

"It's ok, everything is going to be ok, Bella. It's complicated for sure, but.." Alice said with growing confidence that seemed to surprise her, "..Renee will absolutely be here, Bella., I am sure of it."

Alice's voice was small and far away with wonder at what she had seen.

"It is not about you and Edward." She offered to Bella's great relief, "but the situation for her is all very strange and complicated right now, but it is certain,.. she will be here; don't worry about that. She doesn't know it yet, but it is all going to work out just fine."

"Tell me! Tell me! Alice!! What is it? What is troubling my mother." Bella's instinct to protect Renee, especially in light of the thoughts about abandonment; she was wild with the need to know.

"I can't." Alice said plainly. "It wouldn't be right, I am sorry, Bella. She has to tell you herself…but first she has to find out herself. She doesn't understand yet what is happening. But she will and then she will be able to change her mind."

-Fine-


	5. May I have a moment?

DISCLAIMER: Orignial material based the chracters created by Stephanie Meye's Twilight saga

"May I have a moment?"

"Of course," Carlisle was unaccustomed to Edward's formality in their interactions, but he had expected this visitation long before he appeared at his office door. Edward rarely sought advice, so the good doctor was more than eager to give his beloved son his complete attention. Carlisle was overwhelmed with all the love and open heart as part a father, part confessor, and as part a brother. The paperwork for the clinic could wait.

"Why don't we take a drive, Edward?" his father offered enthusiastically. _We will have some privacy, hmm?_

Carlisle has been the only source of advice for Edward in his entire life; he is the only man whose life experience exceeded his own and yet, Edward was not at all sure that his dad had had neither the experience nor could offer advice on the situations that he must face. Edward felt he is quite alone in his plight a vampire navigating the human sexual experience.

"Let's take the Aston. It is such a pretty night for a moonlight ride." Carlisle's nonchalant attitude cooled Edward's obvious agitation. A ride in a fine motor car, the top down, the moonlight lighting the way: it was a perfect antidote to this _feeling_. As they headed towards the open highway, stars sparkling down upon them, he offered a transition out of the silence of the night.

"What's on your mind, son?"

Edward thought better a moment, nervous and unsure of how to put his fear into words. It was a rare thing for Edward to be tongue-tied and speechless.

"I am not sure how to begin…" he said chuckling, surprised he could feel embarrassment with Carlisle, his longest and dearest relation, mentor, maker and friend.

"_I think I have an inkling_…" Carlisle smiled impishly and both men laughed with relief, knowing that some troubles don't need words, silent or spoken, to be understood. It was then that Edward recognized immediately he was exactly where he needed to be to solve the troubles of his mind and his fears dispelled like a puff of smoke in the night breeze.

"I am that obvious?" Edward sighed, knowing that he was sure it was true that he wore this problem on his sleeve like a merit badge. This self imposed 'fear of intimacy badge', earned over 110 years of self imposed exile from all interpersonal relationships, was a curse.

"Well, no, not _really_," Carlisle skated around the issue trying to make Edward feel less self conscious, but Edward knew better, so he had to concede, "…well, yes, it is obvious, Edward," Carlisle chuckled, "but perhaps, only to me!"

The finely tuned engine hummed precisely navigating the hair pin turns of the narrow mountain road. The lull of the powerful engine was comforting especially at high speed. Carlisle loved to drive almost as much as he loved healing people and he found the confines of the car a perfect spot to delve into the hidden secrets of the heart.

"You know, I have been thinking about you a lot lately, Edward.' He decided to break the ice to this delicate subject he knew troubled Edward on the eve of his wedding. More than blood lust, more than fears of bodily harm to the woman he loved, more than fear of her eternal damnation, Edward protective wall to contain his fear, surrounding himself all these year, his protection was failing. The wall was crumbling.

"Everyone is so focused these days on the wedding ceremony and all the trappings…" he rolled his eyes as flashes of Alice's mania ran through his imagination. The enthusiasm for her project was overblown, exhausting and delightfully amusing. Edward huffed sharing his thought. _"She is really a piece of work, isn't she? Poor Bella!"_ he responded lovingly, knowing his beloved sister only meant well in her overblown planning for this once "simple little wedding".

There would be a wedding, for sure, but it was hardly simple.

"I was thinking perhaps…I may have been neglecting you in the need for support and preparation for all you are about to face.…" Carlisle's words came quickly and without hesitation. Edward's silence confirmed his father's observation. He did need advice. "This is an enormous undertaking for you, isn't it, Edward." His empathy for his son's plight was clear, "so tell me…how are you?"

Edward shook his head in wonderment. Although Alice could sense his reactions and guess at his motivation with great accuracy, and Carlisle could effortless communicate telepathically with him, no one could read his thoughts, yet, at times like this he sincerely doubted that fact.

"Are you positive that you cannot read my mind, dad?"

All Edward's embarrassment washed away with the knowledge that Carlisle was fully aware and sympathetic of his struggle. In spite of 110 years living a self-examined life as a vampire who was in spite of his abhorrent instincts otherwise was largely dedicated to morality, and the development of a self-aware consciousness, Edward was largely unprepared for the steps he must make in the road to matrimonial commitment with his beloved. He was a highly educated man who commanded brilliance in a vast body of human knowledge, yet he felt ignorant in the ways of the heart. Immobilized by his inexperience, his painful realization of this fact was unmistakably clear on his aquiline face. He was a nervous wreck and scared to death.

Carlisle had nothing but compassion for him.

"Edward, it is clear to me you love Bella unconditionally and beyond all reason, yes?"

"I do."

"…and she has unequivocally professed an equal measure of mad and passionate desire for you?"

"… _you know she has, Carlisle_" Edward's forehead creased with annoyance at the thought.

"…and furthermore—she has demonstrated this affection, she is inviting you, receptive of you, and appears eager to bond with you in every mortal and immortal means available? Isn't that right?" Carlisle's light tone further agitated Edward.

"Are you mocking me, Carlisle?" he said, suddenly defensive, feeling somehow cornered by the unfolding logical argument.

"Not at all…" he continued nonplused, "… but you do understand that in all these manifestations of her love, made at great personal cost and significant potential danger to her wellbeing…she has consciously chosen this path—the path that leads to your union?"

"all correct…"

"Can you even remotely envision a life without her?"

"No, you know that I cannot," he smiled, finally understanding where this line of questioning was heading, but still unsure if at the end of the line he would find the answers that he desperately needed.

Carlisle smiled for his own joy in watching his son grow and change so dramatically in his time with Bella. He had never dreamed that it was possible for Edward after such a long time and he worried that the son he had made to bring him comfort and companionship might live out the rest of his existence alone. In Bella's love, Carlisle knew Edward's salvation from such isolation was assured.

"Have you not experienced with Bella ...things beyond your expectation of reasonable?"

"Yes." The vowel was so long, it seemed to be sung, not spoken.

"Well, then, all that said, I am sure you will agree with me, that after everything you have been through together, you must believe that _nothing is impossible_…neither for you, nor Bella--separately or collectively."

Carlisle continued, not waiting for his response. His agrument grew more forcibly, but still with kindness.

"Edward, think of it…a spectacular, beautiful, brillinant _human_ woman loves you, wants to join with you forever, and has proven herself capable of unimaginable things to achieve this goal. By her very being, Bella has shown you that everything is possible where your love is concerned. So what is the trouble?" Carlisle paused knowing how difficult it would be for Edward to answer this direct question. Yet, he know how important it was for him to ask it.

"but…I am afraid? Edward's face was full of pain, "What if…"

Carlisle interrupted, "Are you afraid of loving her? Or are you afraid of not loving her?"

"No," Edward's exasperation was growing, "I am afraid of showing her how much I love her…_do I actually have to say the words_?"

"Well, specificity would help me understand the exact nature.." his clinical training allowed a objectivity to this question that would have otherwise been made very awkward for a father and a son.

"Fine…I will say it then." Edward huffed, "I am afraid of making love to her—ok? I am afraid of showing her who I really am, I am afraid of hurting her…"

There was a silence in the car, the scared words encompassing Edward's vulnerability exposed him. Strangely he felt the cold chill of the air, rushing against his face as the car sped through the winding turns of the mountain road. He looked away, unable to mee Carlisle's eyes for the embarrassment he felt in his unmanly fear.

"Whatever fears you have, whatever unanswered or unasked questions will be answered—together. You must trust in that Edward." Carlisles gift for compassionate care was ever present. "In this situation…no one can give you the answer. Not even me."

"I don't…want to hurt her if I lose control."

"You won't," he said reassured that it was true.

"That's what she says. How can you know that? You just said it--nobody can know that." Edward's angry words were only an expression of his emotional angst. Carlisle's responses had fulfilled Edward's worst fears. "…_even you don't understand…" _he sighed in resignation finally admitting to himself that he was indeed alone in his struggle.

"I don't know for certain, Edward, but you _do_." Carlisle searched for the means to help his poor son out of his agony. "In your heart you know it," his attention turned first the the winding turn ahead but then curiously to an entirely new line of reasoning, catching Edward off guard, "however…it is quite convenient… plausible, noble, even heroic to have such an excuse…

Edward was dumbfounded and insulted. "my behavior to protect the one I love from harm at my hands…is an _excuse_… for what?" he barked.

"To protect yourself from the intimacy you have feared all your life, Edward." Carlisle was sympathetic, but so strong in his conviction because he wanted for Edward only one thing since he had changed him 110 years ago: to find a life in this world that was worthy of his gifts and delightful to his heart. In Bella, Carlisle believed Edward had finally found the alchemy that would transform him, heal his wounds, and bring him back to the humanity he adamantly declared was lost to him. He was so close to that achievement, and Carlisle knew he would succeed, yet, he wanted Edward's decision to be a conscious one. He wanted him to have the courage to risk, to show himself, to be vulnerable and in doing so, he would once again call himself a man, not a monster.

Tough love was required to fulfill his promise.

"How can you say that to me, Carlisle?" If they had not traveling so fast and close to the mountainside, Edward would have opened the door and left the speeding vehicle, but he restrained his impulse. He cared too much about the car to take his frustration with his father out on it by scraping the chassis against the rock wall. It was a classic car and commanded respect. Or perhaps that was just an excuse to be captive.

"Edward, you have to face up to the fact that you are no longer alone in the universe. You cannot hide from the world anymore. You have been discovered! The secret is out…Edward is desired…wanted…loved…and is worthy and deserving and ready to accept responsibility…

"I have been nothing but responsible in this…in spite of the many temptations laid before me…by my instincts, by my desire…by Bella." Edwards frustration dissolving into anger was not controlled.

"You can't protect yourself anymore. You have to take a risk. Unfortunately, that is the nature of love…" he stated the facts flatly. There would be no denial of his opinion.

Silence in the car mirrored the sky as the moon was momentarily obscured by a passing cloud. The sounds of the night and the roar of the engine cut through the uneasy peace. Resolution was near, but still out of sight.

"Edward, listen to me…" Carlisle spoke with the warmth and affection that only a father can offer an admonished and treasured child. "You are not alone in your inexperience, are you? Bella is…" Edward was embarrassed to discuss the details of his intimate relations with his love with his father, but it was common knowledge in the house that had no secrets that he had not crossed the clear boundaries he had set in spite of Bella's urging. "You may not know it," Carlisle conceded, "but I expect that Bell is…suffering in a similar fashion, just as you are...

"I doubt that", Edward blurted out without thinking, "_she seems very eager…and confident…passionate…._"

"Bella is not alone in the desire to express that love in a physical way…am I right? You desire Bella, yes? You want her, don't you, Edward?"

Edward struggled with the idea of expressing that passion, but not with the idea of desiring Bella. He just didn't know how to reconcile the two elements with the safety concerns he had. "How can I want her and all the time know that I could kill her…either physically or…if I can't control my blood lust," he moaned in grief. "I would never forgive myself if…

"So, that is your justification for not trying?" Calisle rarely raised his voice, but his frustration with his son was becoming unavoidable. "...because if it is...you might want to try again...it sounds, well, I think the word is...'lame'"

There was a sight seeing overhang along the highway that looked out upon the river and to the distant mountains just beyond it's bands. A quarter-slot viewer stood as a lonely sentinel guarding the watch. Many people would stop here to get a glimpse of the world that laid beyond their natural sight, just at the horizon, untouchable, present, but all too real. There was no avoiding it. Whatever was ahead was already there.

"Edward, you will be fine…Bella will be fine…what you are asking you already know in your heart. I cannot tell you more if I tried." Carlisle was dismissive only because it was truthful.

"That's it then? That's all you have to say to me…?" Edward's disappointment was grave. Carlisle believed he had to find his own way, but was not unwilling to offer him a map to help navigate the journey.

Carlisle sighed with a warm and lilting melody to his velvet voice, reminiscing perhaps to his own first experiences of loving his dear wife, Esme, in whom he had found the kind of connection he believed was waiting for Edward to discover in Bella.

"To make love is…" he began, softly and gently, caressing the words as lover should, "…well, it is simply that—making your love manifest in your world in a collaborative, mutual expression of sharing, exploring, finding joy in each other's embrace…it is the most natural thing in the world…to make love is living…"

"_But how will I know what to do."_

"Ask her." he said flatly, but with encouragement of the possibility of success.

"How can I please her if I don't know what she needs…" Edward was tortured by ignorance, but increasingly able to find the courage to be honest in his questions.

"Ask her!" Carlisle smiled emphatically stressing the point. "Edward, the saying goes, it takes two to tango…think of your lovemaking as a dance of love,…you love to dance, don't you?" he offered. The analogy was apt. Although Bella was determined her natural clumsiness prevented any serious expression in creative movement, dancing was a pleasure that Edward hoped to cultivate in her.

"Anticipate, respond, adapt. Let your senses guide you…let go. You can't look at your feet for help with the steps." He said, coaching him to victory, "Don't worry so much…you will know what to do soon enough."

"But that is not exactly the whole problem..what if I stop thinking, what if…if I lose control and…"

"Edward, stop." He commanded to stop his spiral thinking before it spun out of control. "You may not understand this now, but you will in time." He warned, lovingly. "We don't lose control of who we are…what we are…" he pointed out specifically they were talking about vampirism because they very rarely discussed it anymore. He wanted to be clear. "We manage it, the blood lust, the immorality, the anti-social behavior, right? We manage it every moment of every day in this life we have chosen." His calm voice was soothing in his confidence. "And I think we do a pretty good job of managing, don't you? You certainly do…"

Carlisle wasn't sure if Edward realized that the answers he needed had far reaching implications for his life. This crisis wasn't just about sex it was much more fundamentally personal than that. It went to the doubts Edward believed about himself, about his lost humanity, and about his soul.

Looking for a way to communicate the centuries of experience Carlisle had collected and condense it into this eager moment would mean all the difference to Edward now, and in the future when he faced the prospect of Bella's changing. It was a challenge that Carlisle was particularly motivated to achieve and absolutely suited to accomplish.

"We manage our vampirism, through dedicated discipline and self control, so that it is not unlike having a chronic illness. Unlike others of our kind, the state of thirst only defines who we are when we are thirsty, otherwise, it is merely a ….characteristic…one that sets us apart perhaps, certainly puts certain limits on behavior, and certainly isolates us in many ways, its true…but it is not who we are…at heart."

"Yet, even as you have learned to attend to your thirst, you don't try to control it, do you?"

Edward agreed with a reluctant nod. The discipline he dubbed "_Mind over matter_" he thought had made everything possible with Bella.

"No, you can't control it,…but you _manage_ it. The same will be in your expression of love for Bella." Carlisle started the engine and Edward took one last look at the river and it's untold secrets hidden beyond the hills.

Carlisle understood that there was one more painful barrier to be discussed, and he approached the subject gently, just as the gears shifted smoothly into play. " …even after she is somewhat less _fragile_…if that is what the future holds, you will still never be able to control your love, you will fail if you try…you already have failed…am I right?"

Edward could not argue against the fact that all efforts to extricate himself or his beloved from their dangerous love were met with disaster. "You are right. I cannot control how I feel about her."

"And yet, you have both _managed_ …and quite well I am pleased to say…your have found a way…to make your love real and to manage your thirst and to keep her safe. Why do you think that will change now?" The question was genuine. Carlisle could not understand his reluctance now as this prize was within his grasp.

"When I am…passionate with desire for Bella, I feel I am going to lose control of my reason, my body, my mind."

"So, we are not talking about thirst here…just the physical dangers…"

"Yes, I suppose so…"

"Edward, …when you surrender, it is a choice. Sex is an experience of the mind, as well as…or perhaps even more so than the body. Many traditions of mystics attest to this as facts."

Once he was adamant his feared stemmed from the physical risks posed to Bella in the intimacy of their wedding night, but as the day draws nearer, Edward confides in Carlisle his deeper fears of performance…a heavy burden for a virgin who has chosen to be celibate with his mate.

"Bella is… such a sensual person, how will I know that I am pleasing to her?

" …you are both very much in love and you will figure it all out in good time. Really, this is a silly thing to worry about…don't you think?" Carlisle was slightly amused at this fear, but dared not show it. Obviously living the a house with so much sex going on has created a bit of a performance issue, a fear for Edward where no real fear should exist.

Edward scowled, foiled once again in the search for a hint to help him solve the conundrum of his plight.

"Edward how can make it more plain to you?" Carlisle's frustration at his son was beginning to break through.

"It is not just…_intercourse_…that she wants from you! In many ways, that mechanical element poses issues for you both, that is true, but it is not insurmountable…if you pardon the expression…"

Edward scowled at such a play on words obviously placed to lighten the mood of this intense intimate discussion…"What she wants from you is only what you want from her…it is the reason why your love has been born—to join your halves into one…to be clay of your clay, reunited in one body, one spirit together…forever." Carlisle pitied his son for this pain he had in his heart which rendered him captive in the belief that his being a vampire proved he was not human.

"To be whole again…it is your destiny, Edward." He said with hope. "I wish you could believe that."

The silence of the night again emerged as a participant in the conversation. The clouds had passed and the moonlight once again danced on the road and shimmered off their skin. The car wound its way through the residential streets of Forks. Edward had not noticed they were not taking the direct way home. In fact, they were not far from Charlie's house.

"I know you are tired of hearing it, and you certainly didn't expect to hear it from me today, and you believe that Bella is impatient for everything intimate, but you have to remember…you have the luxury of having all the time in the world to learn to love each other…it has nothing to do with when the change or if it will happen…I would have thought that was obvious by now. " he said, with a twinkle building in his eye that could not be contained. "There are many ways to make love, Edward." Edward rolled his eyes in disbelief at this brash talk about sex. "…_she might surprise you with her ability to compromise with you on this …she might surprise you indeed_." Carlisle smiled knowing it was possible, _nothing was impossible_.

"Talk to Bella, Edward. There you will find the answers you need. Ask her what she wants. Tell her what you need. Discover what is playful, joyful, abundant, carefree, furious, and precious in just being _together_. Enjoy yourself…enjoy her! Find these things and you will make the greatest love of all, not just in bed, but with every step you take together."

_Compassion and conviction would be his epitaph…should he ever have had one.  
_

Carlisle sighed, with reverence as he thought about the gifts that Isabella Swan had brought to his family. "_She is the most remarkable woman I have ever known…in 400 years…there really has been no one like her. You are one lucky, lucky man, my son. I mean that sincerely." _Touching his son with this thought was the most loveing gesture he could make. He hoped that he understood the depth of his love for him and for his bride to be.

Although he was still confused by the many issues and he had not found the answers he sought, Edward was relieved to have shared his fears with his father and was buoyed to think that in the weeks to come he would have the chance, perhaps many chances to discover the path that would give him the freedom and the confidence to believe in him as Bella and Carlisle believed in him.

_Nothing is impossible_…

They sat in silence for a moment admiring each other, recognizing the love they shared had endured much and clearly was a bond that was eternal. There was no stronger team, human or otherwise, that could rival their association, not in the world. Together, they could face anything.

"Thanks, Dad," Edward said as he leaped out of the car, "I love you."

Carlisle smiled in deep recognition of his love for his beautiful son.

_I love you too, Edward. Don't worry. I know your life with Bella will be glorious._

They parted in silence with a wave. Edward through the woods to his rendezvous with his bride and Carlisle headed home. As he pulled into the long path to the house and Edward arrived at her window Carlisle paused to add one important point.

"_By the way, Edward, I want to be perfectly clear on one point…I would offer you the same advice, my boy, if… let's just say, that being a vampire has nothing to do with your anxiety in this moment…what I mean is, my advice would be the same if the circumstance were different…if you were both merely human." _

As Edward, glided through the window to see his beautiful Bella, drifting to sleep, he heard his father's voice once again.

_One more thing…If you will pardon me for this observation, but I thought it might tickle you as much as it tickles me; I think being with Bella is making you more and more human every day and it is a delightful thing to see! So very delightful! Quite facinating!_


	6. Confession

**AN: Now that I am getting the hang of this business, I have some housekeeping to do...**

**This series is part of a larger novel project, "Evening Star". I have chosen to post in piece parts to facilitate readability and hopefully make reading my story a bit more pleasurable. You can read the whole thing in order on my C2 or just check out my author listings for more.**

**Check out my profile for information about me and about my work. **

**I look forward to hearing from you...what kinds of experiences do you think Edward would put on a list...hmmmmm? Take the poll.**

**And now, on with the show...**

* * *

**Human Experiences**

""You know… that before you…are changed, I want you to have every human experience. I don't want you to miss out on a thing, right?"

Bella's heavy sigh indicated she was beyond fighting about this point that Edward made on an increasingly frequent basis. She had surrendered to it, with absolute acceptance, but that didn't mean she could whine about having the same conversation for the 10,000th time. "Yes, yes, Edward…I know how you feel about me missing out…and this is your justification for delaying my changing after the wedding."

Sometimes Edward could be perfectly tedious.

"Really, I thought we had been through all this, Edward?" she said, throwing her self backwards on the bed, her arms splayed out like a cross, to signal she had given up on this particular point. "Can we please talk about something else?"

"Well, good, I am glad you see my reasoning." Edward said matter-of-factly, obviously pleased with himself for being so persuasive and with his beloved for being gracious in defeat. "I think we should make a list…"

His point, a stumbling block on her journey to immortality, was not just another opportunity to assure Edward of her commitment to marrying him and being changed. but more than that, if she agreed to it, even in part, Edward would have to keep his end of the bargain. Her changing would be almost assured. All she had to do was consent to human life experiences. It was a thrilling possibility and easily accomplished if for one complication: the composition of what he meant by 'human experiences' was never quite settled and always seemed to be changing.

"Make a _list_?" she was confused and irritated. "What I would put on it, Edward? I don't know even understand what you are talking about…!" she raised her voice in frustration. "This is _your_ condition. You tell me—what kind of things should I be worried about missing out on?"

_Just what kind of experiences was he so concerned about anyway? I wonder what would be on his list?_

"I don't know, Bella," he hissed, "what kinds of things have you always wanted to do and haven't gotten to and you would wish you would have done…as a human?"

Bella raised her eyebrows, batting her eyes with meaning. "Then that's easy…it's a very short list, Edward…there is only one thing that I want to experience as a human…and you are well aware of that, I believe…"

_I was not playing along so easily anymore, frustrated by what I perceived to be a game at my expense. He wanted me to have experiences, yet I was supposed to tell him what I would miss out on after I was not human anymore? He would just have to work harder to make me understand this point which was clearly so important to him but made little sense to me._

He grumbled in frustration, his hands in fists pressed firmly against his legs, and I wished that somehow we could get through this very sticky issue that seemed to haunt us.

Bella sighed and sunk into her rocking chair, tired of playing this game, going around and around in circles, trying to figure out what it was that he was so afraid she would regret. "Edward, why can't we just explore the world together? Do our differences really matter that much? I don't think they do."

Edward sat at her feet, his lap resting gently on her knee. She caressed him, running her fingers through his thick hair, admiring the bronze highlights that seemed to be strands of gold and she wondered with awe about the life that she would share along side her beautiful husband. She bent down to kiss him gently when he abruptly interrupted the moment by bouncing up from the floor. He sat on the edge of the bed, still as a stone, guilty of some unknown offense.

"I am sorry darling, did I startle you?" She asked, looking deeply into his eyes for a trace of thirst but his eyes were clear, golden and shining. But his face was not.

"I have a confession to make to you." He looked positively grim, so serious he was about the conversation.

_It was more than a little absurd and I had to focus intently not to break into a fit of giggles because he was so completely adorable. All I tried to do was give him a peck on the cheek? What's the big deal? I wanted to tell him so, but I didn't dare intrude on his confession. What could he possibly have to confess?_

He continued, "When we first discussed this…condition of mine… my intention was not honorable. It was entirely a delay tactic, of a sort, to delay your decision to become...like me. I grant you that my motivation was purely to assure you did not suffer any regret after your making.

"Yes, I kinda figured that out, darling. That part I understand…the longer the list the greater the chance I would change my mind…or at least I could have experienced more of the human world before I gave it up." The sing song nature of the sentiment was partially a product of the tedious nature of the discussion. This was not new. It was getting old.

_I wanted to say…in exchange for human experiences I would be able to explore a brand NEW world with YOU, but I censored myself._

His grief seemed to grow more dark as the confession continued, "Although my original motivation was purely for you, well, in your best interest, I realize now it simultaneously was a self serving argument, one based on my own interests and in making it a condition of your changing, I have not been entirely ethical." He hung his head and would not match my gaze.

"I still don't get it…I'm sorry, I don't, darling. What is wrong?" Kneeling now, trying to peek in his eyes, holding his head in her tiny hand she wondered if she would ever dissuade him from the depth of his masochism that he seemed so intent on punishing himself.

"_How can it be selfish of him to desire I have more human experiences?...unethical?_" I thought.

Edward's old fashioned and round-about language perplexed her. But since he slides into it less frequently now, it usually is a sign of something emotionally or socially taxing for him for it is only when he struggles with some point of social interaction. She understood it and it was quite endearing, if confounding. A throw-back to a long ago age, to a time when he was a young man and certain topics were not discussed with ladies. But acknowledging it and understanding it are two different things.

"I am sorry, darling, but I just don't understand what you mean, Edward." My face was pursed like a squeezed lemon with trying to concentrate, believing that if I could only focus on the exact words he used, I might be able to discern what he meant from what he said. "Can you tell me a little more to help me understand how can it be that you be selfish for wanting to share the excitement of my experiences?"

His frustration bordered now on indignation, not with my lack of comprehension but stemming from his inability to communicate this idea tormented him. He simply could not find the words to say it with the delicacy he desired. He brushed me side gently as he rose and looked painfully out the window.

"Just spit it out, darling. You'll feel better and so will I. I want to understand, really I do and I won't be insulted or anything, ok? I promise, I won't, no matter what. Just say it. " Her brown eyes begging for help from him could not be denied. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as if the secret burdened by some great weighty sentiment. _Whatever it was that made him feel selfish it was doing a very good job of it._

Finally giving in to his frustration, he growled to himself, and plunged into the darkness of this realization that exasperated him. "Maybe it is _I _who wants more human experiences—for _me_, of course they would be _with_ you, but I want them more for _me._..than for your benefit" Bella silently smoothed his hair, wishing she could so easily lift his spirit. "…so I can try to remember.." She was stunned by this admission.

"My demand was selfish," he was very upset with himself, pursing his lips tightly together, grinding his teeth as his tense fists pressed deeply into his thighs. "It is the very definition of selfish, and I am ashamed. I wanted human more experiences _for myself_ and the only way I can have them is to live vicariously through your experiences—my demand was more to fill in for my own regrets rather than to prevent future regret for you. And making it a condition of your changing, well, I manipulated you, I orchestrated the situation entirely for my own benefit. I am more than embarrassed. I am mortified at my deceit; even if it was unconscious…and I am afraid; how can you ever forgive me?"

If he could have blushed, his face would have been flushed beet red. If he had tears, we would have drown. I could see his body react with shame and he averted his gaze from me, which he rarely ever did anymore. I was not surprised that I felt no malice for his manipulation, I only felt sympathy for his conflict, his upsetting self discovery, and the difficulty he had expressing himself. I wanted more than anything to understand and now that I did, I felt genuinely sorry for his predicament.

"Okay, I guess it is simply this…" he began with a tremble threatening the silken nature of his voice, finally understanding himself the intricate elements of his predicament. "…every human experience you have is vicariously an experience for me. I get to be just that little bit more, well, _human_. I get to imagine or maybe even remember what it would be like to experience things… and to be a little closer to the man I would be if I could be with you when I see you experience something new, when your heart races, and you tremble with excitement or when you cry from joy and wonder…"

I understood perfectly now. He had missed out on so much being made so early. It was _his _human life he grieved, not the potential experiences that I would relinquish when I was changed, and he didn't want me to feel as he did, only worse, having chosen to release my claim on all things human just to be with him. I held him close, my head resting on his back, my arms wrapped around his waist. I could not take his shame or pain from him, but I could try to sympathize.

"When it dawned on me that perhaps my insistence on this absurd condition to your making was perhaps more about me than you, and that was the definition of selfishness, and I regret that I didn't realize my that until now…and I hope you will forgive me." He turned to face me, holding my shoulders in his hands so gently, afraid of touching me, afraid of my reaction. So totally engrossing was his shame that his beautiful topaz eyes lost their shine.

"My darling, Edward," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck, kissing him gingerly as if I could sooth his soul's burden with kisses. "You forget one vital fact," I was very confident I would relieve his pain with my honest feelings about this revelation, if I could only get his attention. I pulled him over to the foot of my bed, sliding into his clenched arms to sit in his lap. When he settled down, feeling my calm breath, perhaps he relaxed in the hope that I would not be angry with him.

"I am sorry that you have upset yourself, Edward. I can only imagine how this must hurt you. But I want you to know that what you did…what you think you did…doesn't hurt me. Not at all." He lifted his head incredulously, "You can't mean that, Bella. What I did was unconscionable."

"Oh Edward," I sighed, brushing his hair back, wishing it could soothe his soul. "We humans are very selfish creatures, Edward…" her voice was low and soothing, cooing like Esme, she hoped to allay his fears, like a nurturing mother would reassure her child.

"…and I think by choosing to mold your desire to look like it was something you wanted for me…which some might be seen as manipulation…in this instance, I believe you have shown yourself to be very, very human, indeed." _I think I stuck a chord of truth in him with my simple assessment of our complicated conversation._

He stared, unmoving.

"You found a way to get what you need and masked it as something you wanted for me. So what? Do you expect me to hold it against you that you had a _human moment?_"

I smiled at him widely and embraced him first with my wide eyes and then with my entire being. "I love you, you know…no matter what…good, bad, and most especially…when you dare to be _human_."

His eyes darted back and forth trying to process what I had said. After a few moments, he spoke, his voice quiet and low as he gingerly navigated this his deepest pain only newly revealed to himself. "I was very young when I was made, so very young, you see…and although I have seen much of the world since then, I would very much like to share your very human reactions. It is a way for me to be… inside of you, be with you…and maybe to be the man that I could have been…."

Tears welled in my eyes, swelling to the brim of my lid, but not daring to fall. This was not my sadness, but an expression of my love for the beautiful man that I adored. "I really do understand now, Edward, and I thank you for working so hard for me to understand." I said with a clarity that was immediate and genuine. "but" there was a second of hesitance, not knowing how he would react, "…don't you see, …this is exactly why I can't wait to join you, to be in your world as soon as possible and in every way imaginable, so that I can be with you, inside of your world in the most intimate way, every day…"

His grief quickly dissipated, not entirely, of course, I know Edward well enough to know that he would carry the remnants of his misplaced shame for eternity, however, he was released enough, reassured enough by my reaction to proceed with his quest. "So, _that's _why I think we should make a list of all the human dreams we want to share now…do you understand me clearly? I know what I did was wrong, and I know you know that I am sorry and I am not making a delay. I have surrendered to your claim to have me change you so that we can be together in eternity. I still have my issues with that but I am resigned to it, if not entirely convinced it is the best thing for you." his promise was genuine, honorable, and entirely adorable.

I nuzzled into his chest, purring,"So, ….ummmm, Big Boy," I said as seductively as any klutzy virgin human can muster, "what kind of human experiences are you interested in…?" He laughed at my pathetic attempt at Mae West bawdiness, "Oh yes, we will no doubt get to that, my love, but I was thinking more along the lines of

"Lobster with butter and champagne…"

"roller coasters, deep sea diving, white water rafting,

His list continued unabated, not even giving me the chance to comment. "Machu Pichu? Cape Hope? The Orient Express? Tour Eifel? Big Ben? Red Rocks? The Valley of the Kings?

Finally, he paused long enough for me to interject. "Are you insane? You and me…in Egypt? In _July_?" I pounced on him and we fell backwards onto my little bed, and I kissed him deeper than I expect he would allow. "I can't wait, Edward, to make your list come true!" I said, meaning every work.

_I was aghast with the idea of the riot that would erupt when Edward began sparkling at the top of the Sphinx, but it actually was on my short list…_


	7. Now That was interesting

**AN: Only a newbie, I am just finding my way, so pardon my messes and welcome aboard.**

**This series is part of a novel project I have in the hopper, "Evening Star". It is set after Eclipse and is an alternative to BD. Please check out and join my C2 to read the work in its entirety. OR visit by beat or chapter...all the stories related to the book are noted in their summary.**

**I particularly like the way Edward is adapting to his experiences of...desire. I think he would be one of those people for whom the world would be completely transformed once his wall of fear crumbled away. You may want to check out Carlisle's advice "If all else fails, there's always the Kama Sutra" and Edward's big moment, "Human Experiences."**

**Take my poll...join the C2...write the night away...see you in cyberspace...but let me know what you are thinking about the story...**

**RL**

**DISCLAIMER: THIS ORIGINIAL WORK IS BASED ON THE CHARACTERS OF STEPHANIE MEYER FEATURED IN THE TWILIGHT SAGA.**

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It was predicted to be a lovely weekend and Alice had suggested that the siblings all head out of town for a getaway day to a secluded beach not far from Forks

It was predicted to be a lovely weekend and Alice had suggested that the siblings all head out of town for a getaway day to a secluded beach not far from Forks. While hastily putting together an overnight bag for the "girl-bonding night with Alice", Bella notices that Edward seems pensive and preoccupied. Tinkering restlessly with the arrangement of random the objects on her dresser, he was clearly not himself.

Wrapping her slim arms around his waist, watching in the mirror for a clue, asks "Something bothering you, honey, you see so far away today?"

_His strange mood must have to do with the wedding, but what could it be? _

_Well, what part of promising yourself to another being forever, preparing to declare that love to the world and your family…not to mention making love for the first time, and preparing to take steal your bride's soul…what could he have anything to worry about?"_

Bella fretted a bit for her tortured little vampire lover, watching him wrestling for the words to express concerns. All his attempts to smile to put her at ease have failed. She worries a bit, :"_he so rarely stumbles when he wants to hide that he is concealing his emotions; what could be troubling him?_" Wrinkles of concern crinkle her face and the sight of her pretty face all screwed up in worry just breed even more embarrassment in him.

Squeezing her gently around the waist, he steps away to gaze mindlessly out the window, her arms released from him, she stands alone looking at him in the mirror as he walked away. She is consumed with a growing fear that something is seriously wrong. He walks to the bed, pensively and sat very still.

Unknown to Bella, he wasn't trying to be difficult; he was struggling with a problem he was afraid to share and indecision griped him in fear. _What do I tell her? How do I tell her?_

"How will I know how to please you, Bella?" he blurted out quietly like a little boy. He was instantly terrified after the words were released, horrified and disgusted with his perverse curiosity and this bold inquiry into her sexual response.

_My reflexive response didn't help him feel any better._

"Excuse me…What did you just say?" I blinked my eyes repeatedly unsure that I heard him correctly.

_I was startled by his question but more surprised he could ask it. _

"But, darling…oh, Edward, you _please_ me all the time. When ever you touch me, when ever you look at me." The memory of the feeling of his electric fingers conducting heat between them made her blush a deep pink.

"You have to know that…." She smiled simply with her honest answer.

"But, Bella, I am not sure that I will know…so many human sensations have been lost to me…I don't remember…who will I …" Edward was distraught, raking his fingers through his hair, violating the roots with abusive pulling, as if he wished he could remove the thoughts in his head through one strand at a time.

"Oh, Edward. Don't be silly! You have all the feelings that I do," she covered his hand in hers and smoothed the tension from his fingers, interlacing hers with his in a protective web. "In fact, your senses are even sharper than mine…you will feel so much more…"

Edward was adamant. This was only part of a bigger problem. "…and I still worry that it will be hard to control that part of …my nature that is a danger to you and…"

The shame he had hidden for so long resurfaced and he looked away, unable to make contact with her eyes, afraid they would register her feelings.

_His sparkling topaz eyes dazzled me even though they were remorseful and self conscious, but I couldn't figure out why he was ashamed?_

"Well, I know how hard it is for you to talk about your feelings, Edward," she began trying to find the right words to affirm him in this moment of vulnerability, "and I am very proud of you…" He shot her a look of astonishment and disbelief.

"I am allowed to be proud of you ant time I feel like it," she said emphatically, tapping his head gently. "I am proud _now_ because this is a difficult topic for anyone," she said, smiling broadly as she wrapped her arms around his neck. His eyes couldn't meet her gaze, and he stared out the window, still as a statue. "It is kinda embarrassing, even for me.." she said, catching his attention. "…and you are facing your feelings, instead of running away from it. Bravo, my darling!" She conveyed a sweet kiss on his cheek and decided it was time for to get the show on the road. He had had enough torture for one day, but apparently, he disagreed.

"I've been thinking lately that maybe that is just an excuse," his body language was sheepish and painfully shy, pinched and restrained as he struggled physically with the conflict he felt. "maybe, it is because I am self conscious, not about you…but about me."

_Is that what this is about…? He's afraid he won't pleasure me…when we have…_

_My heart was filled with pity for him. My poor, old fashioned vampire had performance anxiety._

"I guess we will have to figure that out together, don't you think?" Bella locked her arms around his neck to keep him from slipping away and she held him close to her heart for a few quiet minutes. The close contact of her warm body pressing against his flesh was comforting and his tension began to melt away. "You are not alone in this, Edward" she whispered "…I don't know any more than you do, remember?"

_That's what Carlisle said,"_ he smiled to himself.

"…but I suspect" her enthusiasm was genuine and quite specific. "I know there will not be any problem for you to _please_ me when we make love" he cringed at the word a little, hoping that perhaps she wouldn't take the conversation into too many specifics.

"you have nothing to worry about… you already make me completely crazy" she growled momentarily, poking his steel ribs to try to make him laugh, which he reluctantly did.

Bella was trying to be understanding, but in fact, she really didn't know why Edward worried so much about these human-related things. The physical pleasure she felt when she was with him, sitting in the car next to him, holding his hand, taking in his scent, longing to taste his mouth…made it clear to her without a shadow of doubt that their wedding night would be filled with discovery, and that every day and every night after would afford them infinite opportunity to find pleasure in each others' arms. She was not afraid or worried, although from time to time she was…_wondering_ about having the confidence to make him feel special.

"Bella, I don't want to just figure it out by accident." he pleaded, gaining confidence from her open reception to talk about this sensitive topic in a way that made him feel safe.

"I want to _know_." His lips barely moved as he growled the words.

_How could he possibly worry about …when just the sound of his voice is so delicious._

His problem was finally out in the open and the flood gates holding back his emotions spilled the contents of his concerns readily. He was free now to speak and didn't stop to worry about what she would say. This time, there was no end game in sight. He was going all the way…

"I want to discover you the way…like a _real man_ …not by tiptoeing through a minefield, censoring myself, monitoring your every reaction for signs that I have hurt you…worried about my next move, calculating, …thinking…" With each idea his timing slowed until the words were delivered almost individually. He never broke eye contact.

_This is the hottest think you have ever done, Edward. How can you not know it?_

"I want to surrender to you completely, to give over to my senses and to love you with abandon…and I can't allow myself to do that because…of what I am."

Bella was speechless at his confession of such loss. _I never realized how his changing had impacted so many aspects of his personality," _she thought. "

That is why I wanted to wait until after you are …" he stopped short of the word, the only word he could not bring himself to say.

_He usually hated any mention of changing me to be like him…I was secretly delighted... this was a real indication he secretly shared my desire to be made a vampire—if for no other reason than to be able to make love, to consummate our relationship, freely, completely, and without any reservation on his part. He knew his limits and he wanted to push beyond them._

_I was surprised how this simple conversation about being afraid of having sex…could be so…sexy._

"The truth is…I am selfish." He said, anger building in his voice. "I don't want to be careful with you. I don't want to be careful at all."

Edward's embarrassment, although displaced, was entirely genuine. In his mind, his role as my protector was deep and permanent. But his body was beginning to made opposing demands. This sense of selfishness was beginning to get in the way from what his body directed him to do and he felt conflicted and out of control, two emotional states that are upsetting to anyone who experiences them, but particularly disconcerting for him.

"I don't want you to be careful, either, Edward." _My voice was husky. The sound really surprised me. _"I think I know what you want."

"That is where you are wrong, Bella! You don't, if you did you would be afraid of me!" he gritted his teeth to try and keep from screaming. "I want your body so much… it hurts." The passion, now coursing through his body, swept him reason away, he grabbed her arms, shaking her as gently as he could, restraining himself to keep from snapping her neck in whiplash.

"Don't you understand?" he cried softly as the passion dissolved into a ghostly physical pain, "I want to lose myself in you."

He surprised himself with his candor. He dropped his hands and sat very still for a moment while he thought about what had just happened. He wondered first if it is right that they could talk in this way…doing so were they adding another layer to their relationship? Did it show they connected on a primary level? His wounded pride of inexperience and strict sense of propriety which usually short circuited such topics of conversation seemed to be AWOL today.

_Carlisle said to talk to her…did he mean like this?_

Bella patiently waited, watching him carefully as he worked things through in his head.

_He was suffering so, I wanted him to feel better, and I knew that I was only part of the solution. He had to feel better about this business inside himself. I was delighted that his reflections were now to be shared freely with me, and I had hope that we would only get closer and closer, little by little, day by day into forever as we navigated our existence together._

"At first,…well, when I first knew you, I mean…when I really knew I wanted… you know, to be with you," he stumbled over the words but her blush confirmed her mind was flooded with memories.

_The first time he touched me, when I saw him sparkle, the electric pulse of his fingers brushing my skin, the breath of an angel filling my lungs with such sweet nectar…when each fleeting contact brought a thrill that was overpowering…"_

"I was afraid that it would be impossible to control myself—your blood tantalized me so." Edward spoke clearly, acceptance of his reaction was not new, but Bella shivered with excitement as her thought would not go away.

_He wanted to bite me the first time he saw me, to kill me right there in Biology. _

_I love hearing him say my blood calls to him and that I make him crazy with my scent. _

"But I figured that out, right?" he stopped to smile; pride in his accomplishment was to be shared. "…_mind over matter_…but now that we have become so physically close and things are so…intense…I am losing my mind and am not sure I have the control…"

_I suddenly felt guilty for enjoying being a Siren to his reason, making him crazy, causing him pain in his body and his mind, worse especially lately as our desire has edged closer and closer to…reality._

He hung his head with sadness, once again trying to face his demons, but at least he was talking about them with me, asking for my understanding, my opinion, my help. I was so happy, after all, I was the problem.

"I am sorry that I have put so much pressure on you Edward—me and my big mouth!" I laughed nervously, trying to lighten his mood. "The truth is," I whispered, "…I don't know even know what it means really means, "I want you," the words just come out of my mouth."

_I was bungling it, trying to express that it was on my mind too. As our wedding date came closer the ultimate intimacy loomed nearer each day and I was trying to express my own wonder and worry about what exactly those words meant._

"But I do know this," she took his beautiful face into her warm little hands, "Intellectually, I really couldn't have any more of you than I already have nor could I experience your love anymore than I already do, but my body tells me that…."

_I am the one who is selfish and greedy._ _It is just another way I have found to torture you with my very being…why do you put up with me?_

"I want more than I can have." My voice was soft and insignificant. "I am sorry. I have made such a mess of things." It was her turn to hang her head in shame for the pain she had brought to him. "It is all my fault. I want too much."

"But that is where you are wrong, Bella," Edward brightened, and held her tight to emphasize his hope.

"I know now that there is so more that I have to give of myself … that I want to give you. We just have to figure out how much I can give you at a time…"

_After an afternoon of angst and heartbreak, his hopeful smile and promise of intimacy was very inviting._

Learning to trust and listen to their bodies, in motion, and accepting the give and take required to keep their lovemaking safe would be a challenge for any experienced couple, but was it was a daunting prospect for a 110 year old virgin who believed he was supposed to have all the answers. Explaining this to his bride was difficult. He needed the opportunity to learn in an environment that would be less threatening to his ability to control his instincts towards abandonment.

"I want to touch you, Bella." His velvety tone was particularly luscious.

"I love touching you, too" Bella said enthusiastically. "I always feel safe, and loved and wanted in your arms."

"That's not exactly what I mean, Bella," he said, "I want to _really_ touch you." She gasped. "I want to touch you… like a man touches a woman." His eyes were darkening. His arousal was emerging.

Bella was surprised, and delighted but not shocked by his new found ability to express himself and his rather sudden turn around in his willingness to cross the boundaries he himself had so clearly defined. Touching intimately was always metered out in manageable parcels, and generally he pulled back from her touch almost as soon as it was delivered.

She didn't want to push him anymore than she had already…she was aware of the pain she had already caused and she wanted to protect him as much as he wanted to protect her. But the very discussion of his new interest was arousing.

"We are…every night you are holding me, we are touching now, kissing…"she swept her soft wet warm lips over his and he fought the need to part them and taste her. She made it too easy. She smiled, reading his body if not his mind, "but…doesn't that count as…manly touching?" she said provocatively. "I don't think very many guys would be complaining about manly touching if they spent every night in bed holding their girl—even if she is…sleeping" she said enjoying the sensation of desire building in her with the idea of Edward's hands on her quiet body, protecting her in the night.

"But I want to see you feel my touch," he said, holding her neck in both hands, watching the response of her eyes intently, as he massaged her tender flesh with his fingers. He was growing stronger, more confident, with each stroke. His eyes announced a plan was coming to his mind. "I want to see in your face how you feel when I touch you."

"Edward, don't you touch me when I am asleep, when you hold me close…?"

Edward froze in place, horrified by the slightest implication of indiscretion while she slept in his arms. "what are you accusing me of, exactly, Bella? His voice was a stone, too.

"I am not accusing you of anything," she said, hiding her smirk from his indignant face. "I was only asking a question…"He knew his family suspected it was the case, that he found so illicit advantage to spending the nights in her bed, but only as she slept. He had hoped Bella would have more sense than to think he was capable…

"Well, yes, I hold you, but NO! …nothing like that" he protested a little too vehemently to be believed outright.

_Was it possible_?

A giggle escaped too late to be retrieved. But he was so upset; I relinquished the idea as unfeasible. It was a little sad to admit there was little hope that Edward had taken advantage of my sleeping body in his arms.

"…I touch you, yes, but I would never …never…" He was flustered, frustration was tying his tongue and he struggled to put the words together.

_I always did wonder if…but I knew he would not…but how could he not be at least tempted (I hope) to sneak a peek at me, or steal a touch all those hours watching me sleep, my breasts rising and falling with the ease of my breath, murmuring his name…_

"Shhh, shhhh, now" she said, wanting nothing more than to take back the words which had upset him so much even if it tickled her greatly to think it even remotely possible., "I believe you…you'd never do anything like that! Of course you wouldn't…," she said, snuggling close to him as she sat on his lap, kissing his long neck, gently showering him with soft, semi-chaste kisses, "however,… if by some chance…well…I don't think I would be very upset about it if you did…sometime in the future, perhaps…."

He pulled back, checking her face for any sign that she was mocking him with the idea, but she pushed forward without hesitation, winning his confidence.

"It's sexy, actually. Your many touches, on m, in my bed, while you watch me sleep." Whispering heightened the effect of the sultry words. "Maybe it's even a secret fantasy for me…to open my eye, to wake up and there you are…touching me."

_I don't think I have ever been so brazen. I don't think the thought had ever occurred to me before that very moment. _

"I would actually say, maybe that is something I wouldn't mind experiencing…but I guess it would only work…before…"

"Before…?" His brain was so befuddled he was not able to follow my simple logic.

"Before…you know…while I am still _able_ to sleep…while I am still _human_."

Edward's taught face and clamped eyes screamed the powerful disinterest in my 'perverted' fantasy. He was entirely serious, laying out his great fears and I needed to pay attention. I couldn't help but apologize. I felt terrible and tried to gather myself.

"I'm sorry, Edward…I…got carried away with the…" it was I who was now stumbling with virginal embarrassment. "I interrupted you…go ahead…tell me what you want."

Carlisle's encouraging words rushed back to him:_"Tell her what you want, Edward." _

He took a deep and unnecessary breath for the courage to get to the point of this entire conversation. He trembled slightly with real trepidation, wondering if she would hear him and understand what he meant, even if he didn't quite say what he meant.

"I want to see you react to my touch and I want to feel your reaction…I want to see how your look when I make you feel good…I want to know what it is like to touch you without being quite so careful."

Finally, running low on euphemism, and increasingly desperate to express delicate subject, he found he had no other choice but to make his point bluntly.

"I want to touch you in ways that I haven't touched you before."

_I am completely hopeless. His blunt and direct language about sex was very, very sexy._

"I want to know how to give you pleasure without having to think about it."

_He had to know…How could he not know that he is turning me on already?_

"I want to know what makes you …hot."

… _he did not just say that…_

Bella was speechless; but at all not offended by his direct approach. She was stunned that he could manage this conversation, never mind put words to his desire and in so doing, he had inadvertently discovered one guilty pleasure.

_He turns me on with his words alone. I am going to die long before I am changed._

"So," he announced coolly, almost clinically, as if all that had gone before in this conversation was a prelude to something completely different. " I want to make an experiment_ of a sort_…an exploration of the senses…or a series of them…an experience that is not leading anywhere sexual, ok…is not a prelude to anything, it is just a thing unto itself. To _explore_…your responses…to my actions…so we can learn about,…morea about what we each, can give the other…and about what we each …like.."

"ok…" she agrees, not having any idea what he had in mind and barely able to produce sound to convey her excitement for the adventure they were about to embark upon.

_Whatever it was going to be, it was going to be over quickly. The moment he touches me, I am going to implode._

Bella agreed to Edward's explorations, trying to hide her enthusiasm but agreeing to participate fully within the limits of each experiment. Edward demands that the definitive boundary of the exploration cannot be breached. "you must not persist in pushing to go further, Bella. You can only stay within the boundaries of what the 'exploration' allows. Do you think you can do that? Do you really think you help me with…understanding this…doing this selfish thing…I need to do? Begging was unnatural for him, I begged him back, "_nothing is impossible_, right? I think it might now be…impossible for me to curtail my hormones…in the name of science…for you, my love."

"Thank you," he whispered, sighing easily, the burden of his fears lifting from him.

Eager to smooth over this rough start and to get out of this hot little bedroom before she was unable to comply with his terms, she encourages him to get back to the business of the day: meeting up with his siblings.

"Let's go to the beach…we can talk more about this on the way and we can figure out what to do…make a plan for your …I mean _our_ first experiment…" she was almost as excited about going to the beach as he was about his lusty confession.

Bella loved going out in the sunshine with the Cullen's, the light show was spectacular! She smiled remembering the spectacular light show they made as the sun bounced between the siblings, the water and the sky. Lost in her reverie, gathering her things to head to the shower, he surprised her as he grabs her wrist, stopping her in her tracks. Their eyes meet and his lips curl into that particular crooked smile which had stolen her heart on the very first day she knew that she loved him. Edward brushed her curls off her face, gazing deeply into the chocolate windows on her soul.

"Bella, do you know how beautiful you are?" he whispered.

She giggled, half at the ostentatious way he always professed her beauty and half his earnestness: he really believed she was beautiful. "Oh, Edward…come on, now please, I have to get dressed…Alice will kill me if we stay here another moment, even though you know I want to stay."

She kissed him softly, taking in his luscious scent as he breathed, cooling her hot cheek. She hadn't realized how much the conversation had made her face flush. He returned the kiss, deepening the sensation showing her that he wanted more. His eyes were open, unrelenting gaze was dark, hypnotic and intense broke the quiet rhythm of her breath, dancing under her ribs. His lips parted to her pink and infinitely inviting mouth in a perfect kiss. His passion for her was clear, her reception and reciprocal expression equally so.

"You're doing it…" her voice moaned through the kiss.

"…hmmm…?' he sighed without breaking the kiss. She was flustered as he pursued her mouth, like a predator, waiting for the absolute most advantageous moment to…

"you know exactly,…that thing, you know you do it," she intoned in his kiss even as hunger for oxygen commanded her to break the seal of their lips.

Bella routinely leveled this accusation when she feels Edward is working his predator power upon her easily influenced humanity; transporting her beyond reason and into complete oblivion. Speech all but eludes her when he possesses her in this way. Yet, it is a weakness she secretly hopes to never outgrow.

"What precisely am I doing, my love?" he replies with the feigned innocence of a wolf pretending to be a helpless little lamb.

"…you are _dazzling me_, Mr. Cullen," she sighed breathlessly, enjoying every moment, every one of his dozen kisses feeding her desire to be taken by him.

"It's not very fair, you know, using your big bad vampire-doo skills on poor defenseless little humans…one would think you are trying to take advantage of me, Edward."

He growled, half in the game and more with the need he felt to do that very thing. "Perhaps, it is for the best that we…" his chaste kiss returned as he pushed her away to safety.

"Edward, did you ask me if I wanted you to stop?"

Again Carlisle's words haunted him, _"Ask her what she wants…Edward."_

He grinned knowing he didn't have to ask to know the answer to that question. " You see, love…right now, it is you who are dazzling me, my sweet Bella."

_The word 'sweet' is a magical word when it trips from Edward's lips. It is the word he uses to describe the scent of her blood, the scent that brought them together and will unite them for all eternity._

He litter kisses down the nape of her neck, brushing her curls aside, tasting her scent, her perfumed essence calling his name.

Bella always believed this gaze was a part of his arsenal of weapons against his prey, and that in using it on her…he was trying to seduce her, and he was becoming quite successful at it. She was wrong, of course; Edward really didn't understand the attraction he had for Bella. He could easily turn on this convenient tool when he needed to influence others, but he was not entirely aware of the unconscious ways this skill was used to transfix his Bride. He would have been very embarrassed if he realized how often he unknowingly used this particular talent on her.

Edward took a tiny step closer to her, signally a change she could not have anticipated but wanted more than anything. He seemed intently debating some issue of great importance. His eyes darted with the electric spark of thought racing inside his head.

_Could it be that he is struggling with his conscious to decide if this is the moment?_

Bella is frozen, paralyzed or as if she was, unsure of what will happen, confused in the battle between reason, promises and passion, wondering if he had decided to make love to her right now, would she want him to? Would she let him?

"You must promise to do exactly what I say..", his voice was clinical in his instructions.

"I promise." Her response overheated with desire was virtually inaudible in anticipation of this wild, unknown world of physical intimacy.

"I think you should stand very still." He was softly adamant, but yet seemed unsure.

"Remember, this is just an experiment...its not a prelude, or not anything else…we're not going to.." The stern warning seemed out of context to the heat building in the room.

…_but there is no harm in hoping…right?_

Floating her hand dreamily to his lips, he conferred a passionate gentlemanly kiss. Taking her by the hand he led her to the foot of her bed. Her mouth was open in surprise, awe, shock, fear and wonderment. Her heart is full of love for him, desire for him, and the overpowering need to surrender to him. His hands on her waist, a squeeze that signaled playful anticipation, he slowly pulls her into him, and she is close enough to feel his quivering knees.

"I want to see your body." His gentle whisper floated in the silence.

_I held my breath afraid that any second I would do something to shatter this perfection._

"I want to undress you, now, if that is alright."

He looks at her once again, as if to ask her permission and she nods, shyly and looks away. This is not the feeling that she thought she would have in this intimate moment. Passionate vibrato and declaration of desire are nowhere to be found in this innocent and intimate prelude to their soon-to-be lovemaking,.

_Yet, desire does not wait to be invited. _

Edward, perched at the foot of their chaste bed, his bride standing between his legs with an intimacy that was fresh and overwhelming, proceeded with his plan to reveal her body to him for the first time. His eyes warmed at the sight of her, rolling up and down, taking into his eternal memory the finest details. Never breaking his gaze, smooth, slender and nimble fingers trace cover the second button of his oxford shirt which she is casually wearing as a mini dress.

Bella adores wearing his clothes. The heavy-cotton weave plays against her skin just like his stone arms around her. His scent is indelibly infused in the fibers.

_I somehow suspect I will like taking them off so much more…_

He lingered, holding the freed button in his hand for a second, before he proceeds to the next. As rosy center of her bosom is revealed, he gently brushes a single finger along the décolletage , admiring her wanton blush, spreading from her delicate cheeks, down her long white neck, pooling between the lovely mounds of her breasts. Carefully watching her reaction she moved from surprise at his words, caution as the first button was released; he relished how the blush of innocence descended first into self consciousness and finally evolved, reversing course, into a certain kind of power, radiant beauty and her body spoke clearly to him…she wanted more…

His innate talents, the definition of hyper arousal gave him a distinct advantage of course, that he was entirely unaware. His climb to the height of desire had many more levels of experience…she, however was limited by human senses that could only allow…so much before…his careful attention, a stray breath sprinkled cool breezes over her and makes her skin ripple; as if under the protection of feathery down; she feels vulnerable and exposed.

"Are you …cold?" he enquires, trying to understand the nature of her skin's reaction to his subtle touch.

"Not at all." A girlish giggle declared otherwise. He scowled trying to integrate the conflicting information.

"You're blushing, and you skin is all…bumpy…fascinating?" His curiosity was absolute.

"oh, _that_" she said, understanding his question at last. "goose pimples" filling in the blanks for him, impatient she was for his touch. "They do sometimes mean I am cold, but sometimes…they mean excited…or even afraid."

"Clinically, that would indicate a state of high arousal then, Bella," he said a little snuggly, "that would be the technical term." He chuckled lightly at the word play.

_He did not just say I was highly aroused? Who is this person??_

"How does that feel?" his experience of this reaction had to be different than hers, he thought.

The ridiculousness of the question was lost on her. "tight, tingling, but like I am on fire…in a good way" she responded and struggled to keep her hands at her sides and not to touch him. "Mostly it feels like…I really want to kiss you right now."

"Bella, that's not part of this experiment, remember?" he chided, but at the same time he made a note of the fact that he was entertaining the same exact thought.

"…_soon, darling…very soon…" he thought he would not be able to resist._

Maintaining the discipline needed to proceed was more of a challenge than he expected. He was losing objectivity. The thoughts interrupting his game were less than pure and he wished that she could hear them if for no other reason but to assure her of his excitement.

Edward continued to open the next button exposing her abdomen all the way to her navel. And as the shirt tails flew open, like a red velvet stage curtain slowing opening with the anticipation of what is to come…her girlishly pink bikini panties smiled at him, the little white satin bow calling like a siren, tantalizing his every sense. His face reorganized itself though a wide range of feelings from fear to…

"_was this… desire_?

Bella held her breath as his index finger casually traced down the center of her stomach and graced the edge of the silky fabric. Instantly, they shared the thought that this undergarment was the only thing separating their bodies from this exhilarating moment. His finger's electric tracing back and forth along the tender of her pelvis was mesmerizing, and overwhelming when he dip below the line of the panties, to brush her ultrasensitive skin ever so briefly, just inches above the forbidden fruit of her sex, but sadly beyond the boundaries of this exploration.

"…_soon…, very, very soon_…" he repeated the thought that pounded in his brain and the low growl stirring in his chest was an indication to him that this exploration was nearing an end even if it did not stop them from continuing.

Allowing himself to fall mindfully into the cascade of sensation he was experiencing, Edward dramatically hooked his finger into the thin elastic band of her panties. A startled gasp escaped her lips, in spite of her very best effort to control the sexual expression of her physical response to his touch, but his enthusiastic slow burning smile immediately dispelled her fear of having broken the rules. Her excitement, nearing the point of overtaking her, was only interrupted briefly as she tired desperately to recall the rules this 'experiment." She was dangerously close to violating all the rules.

"_Why did you do that_?" He asked with his eyes in a way that needed neither clairvoyance nor words to communicate his meaning. He was pleased, not only with her reaction, but with himself.

"Edward," her voice dry and raspy, "You're driving me crazy, Edward…."

"Crazy with what feeling…fear?" he asked simply, clinically, and without emotion, but he never stopped playing, her breath, broken in little gasps for air, entertained him. He was enjoying playing with her body and I believed she enjoyed it too.

"No, I mean, crazy with anticipation…with my wanting you to touch me."

"And that is good, right?" He was not being coy; he really needed confirmation, even though he was pretty sure. He wanted to know.

"Yes, Edward, oh, it is very, very good." The husky tambour of her voice caressed him indecently though he was not sure if she was aware how sexy she sounded or the effect she had on him.

"Are you excited…aroused…sexually?" his question was simple, emotionless, and almost clinical.

"You're kidding right…?" she was lost in frustration and disbelief, "don't tell me you can't smell my…?" She instantly regretted saying it, her cheeks were hot and purple, embarrassed both by the brutal honesty of her language, the raw state of her sexual tension he brought on her, and the absolute shock that she expressed it.

She was afraid she had pushed him too far, she'd broken all the rules, and now she jeopardized the whole idea of experimental trust-building experience that was much more fun than she could have dreamed possible.

She wanted to kneel and beg, "_please don't pull away just now_. _Please, I will try so much harder to be good. I promise.." _But she remained perfectly still as she was instructed to move. She didn't want to upset him now.

When a broad smile was his only reaction, he was obviously enjoying her momentary conflict that was so clearly readable on her face and he responded in a low resonant growl that dazzled her even more, Bella knew she was not in trouble.

"Yes, actually, you are quite right. I certainly can detect your arousal by your scent…."

He sighed languorously, reclining on his elbows on the bed, his feet still on the floor, she still standing motionless between his trembling knees, his pelvis naturally rocking forward as he leaned backwards and the very obvious proof of the success of his experiment did not escape Bella's notice.

It was true. He too felt the rush of many stages of desire from their intimate play. The experiment purely of the mind had taken a significant turn towards the physical. Indeed if the point of the exploration was arousal, it was clearly a success for both participants. Bella was weak in the knees, trembling, her chest rolling with fast and shallow breaths and Edward was enjoying the fruit of his labor both in watching her and in his own slightly uncomfortable throbbing erection.

He was delighted with his exploration and congratulated himself warmly with a rousing sigh.

"well…" he said, kissing her sweetly, "I'd say _that_ was interesting…"


	8. Tango

There are very few days left before the wedding. Edward's curiosity about Bella's sexual responses overwhelms him. Although they have agreed to remain chaste before their wedding, he was ready to explore the boundaries of intimacy—safely, within the limits of their 'experiments'. She has been more than delighted to comply…until now.

Edward waited patiently in Bella's room while she showered. Dangling his long legs over the edge of her bed he held her pillow to his face to infuse her scent into his lungs.

Bella, singing tunelessly, mused about the day while the hot water filled the room with steam. Inspecting herself she sighed in disbelief. _"You can not show these legs at the beach…fuzzy wuzzy little bear…"_ she grumbled to herself, cursing Alice's 'fashion laws which included cute skirts and painful regimens for the beatification of the female form. Edward seemed to appreciate every iota of her efforts, but Bella would never admit that she liked the way he looked at her sporting one of Alice's fashion interventions.

"_She is turning me into a girly-girl—yuck!"_ She lived in fear of Alice's wrath. But she feared hot wax more.

Although he was content to wait patiently as Bella endeavored to complete whatever human ritual she was working on completing…he could not help but become restless, listening to the driving beat of the shower head, her sweet voice floating just above the sound. No matter how long he lived he would never understand these vague and pointless human rituals related to strawberry scented cosmetics. What could she possibly be doing all this time.

His curiosity had little to do with his being a vampire and entirely to do with the increasingly painful itch he felt in his loins whenever she was so close to him, but yet so very far from touchable. The sensation was becoming unbearable. He slid down the hall and silently opened the door with such precision it didn't appear to be moving at all, ajar, his view no longer obscured; he could observe her to his contentment….at least until she caught him.

He amused himself, stealthily sauntering in without Bella detecting a hint of his presence. Moving from the door frame to the counter littered with cosmetics he was oddly attracted by the display. He examined each item quizzically, wondering at the purpose of each bottle, lotion, and scent. Lost in his discovery of the mysteries which was his fiancée's toilette, he lost track of himself and was caught red handed—with his nose in a jar of Pond's Cold Cream.

The shower curtain ripped open with the whizzing sound of chrome plated shower rings. How was he to know she turned the water off after getting out? The sound terrified him with the idea that had escaped his imagination until just this moment: behind that 5mm thick layer of heavy duty vinyl was the object of his lust, all wet and naked. How was he to know there was a towel ring in the shower stall? When she emerged, Bella was quite startled to look up to see Edward—in her bathroom,…playing with her bathroom stuff?.

"Edward!" she cried with feigned shock, "Are you _spying_ on me? she teased him with the authenticity of a B-grade horror movie actress, "How thrilling!" she moaned exaggeratedly, hoping he thought it seductive. "How long have you been standing there…?" she laughed at him,when it was plain to see she startled him much more than he had startled her.

Edward didn't even react to her prodding. He was always a perfect gentleman and she knew it. Any other teenage boyfriend with open access to his love's bed would have taken advantage of every opportunity to indulge his curiosities and impulsive nature, but Edward did not.

So, this minor invasion of her 'human time' was not only suspect, it was highly irregular behavior. Edward seemed somehow preoccupied, a look of indecision on his face that seemed troubled, as if he was trying to decide to risk sharing his thoughts or not.

"I'm sorry, honey," she said, tucking my towel tighter around my body and shaking out my shaggy wet mane, "Was I was taking too long? You must be bored…I just have to shave my legs…"

Edward opened his mouth only to close it a second later, thinking better of his words. He seemed to stumble on his thoughts, another highly unusual event, or perhaps he was tripping on his tongue. This was peculiar behavior. Usually if he was unsure of something he would not indicate it. Obviously, something was on his mind. _What could it be?_

_I instantly regretted teasing him about spying. _

"I was only teasing, darling, you know that, right?" she said wrapping her towel just a little tighter as she collected the necessaries. "I hope I didn't hurt your feelings" she said, with real concern as she looked up at him,

Bella stood near the tub, wet hair dripping down her back in fresh streams of droplets, drenching the soft blue bath towel that covered her. With one leg on the tub, twirling a can of shaving cream as she released a squirt of gel into her hand, she flustered, "I am almost done, I _promise_…."

Edward leaped towards her impulsively. "Now _there_ is something I would like to try…" Darting across the tile, he scooped the lather from her hand before she could blink.

His statement was a question made with effortless courteousness as if he was offering to do something entirely mundane--to open her door or carry her books. Utterly speechless, Bella struggled to maintain a poker face to suppress a laugh that would surely hurt his already bruised feelings. The ridiculousness of this situation was epic and she wondered if it was a joke…

He went straight to his work knowing hesitation was his nemesis. He glazed her leg and was completely fascinated to watch the gel transform into rich foam with the stroke of his hand.

"Edward, what had gotten into you…?" she protested in astonishment.

His plan was to distract her with small talk, appearing casual, but all the while he was hyper-focused on his task.

A new experiment in human experience was about to begin.

"I just don't understand this human preoccupation with unnatural scents," he said, calmly, bantering like a stylist combing through wet curls while applying layer after layer of shaving foam on Bella's entire leg. "You are that much more delicious without this…fake…strawberry stuff."

"I'll keep that in mind', she said, smiling and rolling her eyes as she thought about how many shopping trips she would have to endure with Alice seeking unscented everything.

"Thank you so much for your help, Edward," she said politely, "but if you will excuse me for a few minutes…I will finish up here, and then we can go, alright?"

_Not in a million years of living with Edward would I have predicted what happened next._

"May I?" He said as he ever so politely grasped the pink razor with slight of hand speed worthy of Las Vegas con artist.

"I don't think that is such a good idea…Edward. Seriously…"

_I couldn't believe this insanity._

"…think about it, Edward," Bella spoke slowly and calmly as if to a child. "It's a _razor_...razors cut things…"

"_Up to now he didn't show any signs of complete psychotic breakdown? Are Alice's crazy plans finally getting to him?"_

Edward continued on his insane quest without relinquishing the device in his hand. He examined it carefully, pronouncing it safe.

"Well,…it is a _safety_ razor, right? …._moisture strips_ and all that…?" Edward sounded like an infomercial agent.

"I can't believe you!" she exclaimed! "what..are you reading Rosalie's _Cosmo's_ again?"

"Frankly, I prefer _Marie Claire_." Edward quipped sharply as if he was compelled to admit that he actually had such an embarrassing opinion. "Better fashion."

_I had to laugh out loud thinking of Edward lounging around the house all night reading ladies magazine...the image was entertaining but the situation was becoming absurd. _

"Besides," he said with that black velvet tone that should be illegal, "it is not like anything _bad_ could really happen, right?" He thoroughly inspected the blade in his hand and the shift to this innocent voice was completely sincere, but only partially masked the lurking danger inherent in an indecent proposal.

"…after all, _you_ do this all the time and you haven't bled to death…yet."

"That's not exactly funny, Edward." She said flatly.

My body was running on overdrive, hypersensitive to the idea of what would happen if by some accident…my blood made an unplanned appearance…in the presence of my vampire finance… who daily reminded me that he feared the distinct possibility that his lust for my blood could lead him to ravage me and drink me dry.

"Come on…," he said, turning up the volume on his dazzling charms, "where is your sense of _adventure_?"

_The pink handle twirling in his fingers definitely seemed like a weapon. _

"Adventure? Are you kidding me?" I was stupefied. "And this from the vampire who won't steal second base for fear of losing control. Once again I was hoping that I hadn't crossed some invisible line between what may be spoken and what is taboo.

"Come on, Edward." I pleaded, "You have to understand how strange this situation is…and how potentially dangerous…?"

Perhaps it was Edward's smoldering eyes, glowing with golden flecks today, tantalizing me or perhaps it was the idea that this very commonplace activity could possess such an exciting new feeling of exhilaration, but I nodded my consent.

_Insane as it sounds, I was actually going to let Edward shave my legs._

He smiled victoriously in that crooked little grin that always won me over to anything he wanted, and he took full advantage of his winnings.

"Turn and face the wall."

His command was cool, but so authoritative, powerful and slightly dominant a unexpected rush of excitement awaked something inside me. It was a thrill, a sensation of…arousal I had not anticipated. I was suddenly hyper aware of my thighs touching.

_He excites me with his power._

Swimming in sensation, I obediently turned my torso to the tiled wall, my leg still perched on the tub. Although not very long, it stretched out like a tango dancer's lunge. "Now _that_ is something I would like to try some day…with you," he whispered energetically while he was admiring the view, "dancing _the Tango_." His nostrils flared with anticipation of the experience.

_In moments like this I am not sure I believe he can't hear my thoughts._

Edward stood behind me, his hand on my stomach, and he pulled me in very close. Our bodies connected with the lasting pressure of his grip. The angle of my leg and the posture of the pose contributed to a subtle tilt of my pelvis toward his body. His hand slid easily into the folds of my terry cover up and his fingertips gripped my waist and midriff. This deft action violated a number of the principals of chastity he imposed. His decision to touch my bare wet skin happened so fast I hardly had time to react until it was already complete. I was thrilled. I could not breathe. I wanted to scream with pleasure but I had no voice.

"Are you ready, my love?" he whispered in my ear, softly kissing my wet neck, my pineapple scented hair dripping down my back. He drummed his fingers with anticipation and impatience.

_I wondered if anyone in the Cullen family knew what was transpiring in my bathroom._

"Uh-huh…" I could barely get the non-words out of my mouth.

My heart must have been deafening to him because it was too loud for me to listen to, to loud to escape from the sound of my bounding pulse. He held me tightly, much closer than he had ever before. His fingertips gently played at my waist and with a steady hand he pressed the small of my back into his pelvis. Our hunger made contact with delicious pressure and I was breathlessly still, hoping he would not move. My body screamed for every inch of our connection—which seemed to be growing with every passing second.

"Now, try not to _move_…" he said very slowly, making the most of each vowel, as if he were singing the words.

Reaching for my quivering ankle, slathered with strawberry foam, his hand accidently glanced my naked thigh. Our eyes met, drawn like magnets to the ripple of electricity at his touch. He deftly guided my willing body and his swaying pelvis to the music of running water. With each pass of the razor, I relaxed into excitement, enjoying every moment as we gently sway as if we were one body. The excitement I felt appeared so quickly I was shocked at myself. My head rolled back to rest on his shoulder, in an expression of my complete surrender to this experience.

Rocking like a sailboat on a calm sea, I rode him or rather, he was leading the way.

"ahh," a little moan escaped my lips, "…who needs to tango when I can have this…?"

_I was in the moment…_

"We will just have to see about that," he said, a fine lined smile overtaking his lips the the dead of expressing our passion in a dance…it thrilled him.

_Who needs a run-of-the-mill tango when a lap dance with a vampire with a razor in his hand is so very exciting…?_

This mundane event became the most exciting sexual experience of my virgin life. I was breathless in his hands—the one with the razor and the one without. He danced on my skin with a need for endless discovery, tracing my exposed flesh, dipping lower and lower to my toes. I was transported into desire, consumed by sensations that pushed the buttons of my impulsive streak.

_I wanted more. _

My hips rocked hungrily with the natural grace generated from his dance. I was moving with him, rocking my pelvis against him, eager to feel his response. I was hungry, eager to know if he was aroused too. My body was on fire from his touch and the real danger lurking over us…between us….within us.

Imprisoned by the inconsistent rhythm of my breath, I was unable to speak, almost swooning in his arms; dizzy, overheated, and pleading for more.

_He was very pleased with himself. _

Although I could not see his face as I stared at the ceiling and tiled wall, I could smell his grin of delight. Rightly perceiving I might collapse from my weak-kneed feeling of excitement, he expertly hung my arm on to the curtain rod, and slowly lowered himself to the floor, never losing eye contact. My heart refused to resume beating with increasing possibility that this physical closeness could escalate to something much more intimate. Expertly, he gathered water in his hands, and rinsed the remnants of soap from my very smooth leg. He lingered at the knee and too particular attention to my quivering thigh. His gaze never wavered while I was drowning in his dazzling eyes. These most intimate touches played with the evaporating boundary between the sensual and the sexual. That thing we had never experienced possessed me.

"A very smooth job for a rookie, don't you think?" he whispered seductively in my ear, holding my stomach tightly in his opened hand, he nibbled gently on my shoulder and sending a new volley of fireworks shivering up and down my spine.

I involuntarily arched, tilting my pelvis, and raising my buttocks to seek his very eager crotch. I could feel the outline of his excitement through the thin layers of my towel and his jeans. I danced with him, emulating the rocking motion of the tango, maintaining constant contact with this hardness. Although, I had no idea what I was talking about, I was consumed with my desire to touch him, to taste him, to grind my bones into his and to pleasure him as he was tantalizing me.

"And now for the other leg…" he whispered but he was possessed with too much enthusiasm to maintain his calm and cool attitude; his anticipation to complete the task was overwhelming to him too.

_He was as hot and bothered by our little experiment as I was. With every passing moment, I was convinced I would faint and ruin it. Or my heart would just explode and I would die on the spot….with a smile on my face!_

"Turn around, please," he said with confident authority as he placed his hands on my shoulders, turning me around to face him. His matter-of-fact tone was a clever mask worn for the game. I could tell from his deliberate and controlled pace he was as aroused too.

"Edward," my voice barely registered as sound, My lips barely moved, my open mouth was hungry for his, but his crooked grin, arched eyebrow and his slightly pursed lips did not respond. "You are driving me crazy." Everything moved in slow motion, my brain and body overwhelmed with sensations taking over me.

"_Votre pied_, _sil c'est vous plait, mademoiselle_," he gently commanded, massaging my thigh with the heel of his palm, his fingertips tripping lightly on the way.

I wanted to say something sexy, something seductive, but it was hopeless. I didn't know anything about being…sexy, besides, once I could see those dazzling topaz eyes, I had lost the capacity for speech—the neurons of my brain obviously burned out.

My eyes never left his, speaking for my words that seemed to be misplaced. This connection was overwhelming, intimate and strong. Facing him, I could feel his sweet and rhythmic breath on me. I longed to take his mouth into mine.

I placed my foot gingerly on the edge of the tub. This simple act which parted my legs to him for the first time, nothing but a towel between us is certainly the most intimate position possible while standing…_and not having intercourse. _

Without hesitating, he began again, holding me closely to his chest, and bracing himself by putting his opposite leg also on the tub, I was completely surrounded by his body, encased in him, my hunger swelling dangerously close to exposure.

_I wanted him to take me._

Without warning, I felt suspended, my balance, already shaken by the nature of the exploration, severed as if I was lifted off the ground. How he could balance us both while dancing a tango with a razor in his hand, each motion of his hand rolling out bodies together so very closely, I will never know, but his tight grip on my back never relented, pulling me closer and closer to his chest. I didn't ask questions. I was along for the ride. Where ever it took us…

_I trusted him completely, but I wanted him more._

With even more precise and painstaking attention to detail in his work, he followed every contour, every nuance of my body, smoothing with his cool fingers the soapy tracks of the razor's edge. His large hands brought drenching water to clear the soap.

Breathless with desire as I was I could not help but giggle as he whispered half to himself, "Now, _that_ was very interesting."

Once satisfied with the superior quality of his razor work, he lingered, perhaps unwilling to bring the effort to any conclusion, he began to explore my nakedness.

My jagged breath edged closer and closer, somewhere between the disorder of crying and the chaos of ecstasy. Intense fire burning black pitch obscured his eyes when his hand caressed my trembling thigh. As his finger swirled closer to my sacred unknown center, his intent only overshadowed by his increased vigilance to the rules limiting this sensual, not sexual experiment….

Yet, there was nothing nonsexual about his fingers dancing in the lovely folds formed in the position of my hip and my quivering inner thigh, so close I know he could feel the heat radiating from within. His hand skimmed under the towel, brushing the wisps of hair guarding my secret place, returning to stroke with his thumb in relative safety, my trembling inner thigh, with gentle calculated accuracy, a ghost of contact, but not violating the terms of his experiment.

Involuntarily my muscles flexed, a systematic attempt to caress him, and a low moan escaped on the exhale of a breath held too tight, for too long. The magical breath now embodied in sound that echoed in the room was retained in a vain attempt to control my wild reaction and to retain the careful boundaries, to respect his rules that stated this overwhelming sexual exploration would not spill over into sex. There was little chance of that, so strong was his conviction, so great were his fears, however I could only hope he might be considering otherwise as his fingers expertly tracing the pulsing veins of my quivering thing. My only hope to keep this feeling alive was to keep the struggle for my erratic breath under wraps. Gasping moans definitely were not allowed. If I let on…he would be pushed too far…he would withdraw before he…I expected to feel, for him to flinch, to pull away, but as I have come to expect surprises from him…he did not retreat.

_Instead he found a whole new way to interrupt my respiration._

"I want to touch you Bella."

His dark eyes bored into mine like a laser, seeing into my mind, if not hearing my screams within pleading for mercy—_please_!

His fingers carefully traced the outline of the folds feathering out to him. Grazing, brushing with the faintest contact, mapping each wrinkle, tenderly with painstaking precision, gauging my every reaction. His expression in awe and intensity of focus gave away his secret: he had crossed over his own boundary from exploration into arousal. His unrelenting gaze, the pounding of my excited heart, measuring calculating how far to proceed. How I wished I could see him….how I wished he was inside me…I struggled to stay in the now of this experience and each sensation. To allow it to be his moment. To simply receive.

His touch grew stronger now, more deliberate, pressing into my flesh with intent, two fingers engaged in tandem massage. Cradled in his palm my mound throbbed with my pounding pulse. The hint of wetness he found could not be masked or denied. He smiled, playing with his fingers as if I were his instrument, and then drinking in the image of my response in my lax cheeks, my open mouth, wild eyed countenance of surprise, anticipation, ecstasy, and disbelief. My wet lips pouted a song singing of my wetness down below my mouth…

"So, that's why they are lips?" he murmured softly, delighted with his discovery. "so, lovely, and pink…soft and wet…

Overflowing with the rush of blood demanded by my heightened arousal, the temptation was too great to resist. The heat called to him just as my blood tantalized his thirst. He rested there, his exploration at a crossroads, waiting for a sign, or a nod of accent as he circled, hovering at the very secret he longed for, but dared not entertain. As if to seek permission, his eyes met mine and slowly his finger delved deeper into his sensual exploration, spreading the folds open to reveal the hidden treasure, the pearl buried beneath the layers was revealed to his amazement and awe.

The petals of the flower now in bloom released a perfume which intoxicated both his heightened senses and my human ones. Dipping into the enchantment exposed by the blossoming bud, the depth of our desire was revealed. Careful, not to enter this realm, his fingers hovered, purposefully delaying the inevitable, natural, logical, and anticipated considering the opportunity afforded him. With lazy eyes and a broken breath, I nodded encouragement and he gingerly tapped forward, spiraling deeper in, tentatively entering into the depths of my center. This cold hardness of his fingertip, foretelling of the night I would give myself to him completely.

"So very warm…so wet…so beautiful."

His desire could no longer be managed and he cupped my neck, drowning my dry mouth with his parted lips, his tongue singing to mine, his teeth grazed my lips with this passionate call of his need for my body to join with his.

"Stay."

The command came from the depth of my being and so strong was the sound of my voice, he could have no opportunity to shrink back now from the need we both longed to satisfy. His eyes never left mine as we explored the secret world of the love we uniquely made in his world. Colored only by the passion of his lust, not the power of his thirst, his topaz brilliance shined like a brilliant gem, beckoning me, holding me, and adoring me. Circling with a tentative blindness of the uninitiated, his quiet finger adventured in to the darkness, unsure of the path, and curious beyond reason, he delved in.

"Wait."

The whisper lingered in the air like a warning alarm breaking the silence of the night. His eyes frowned in concern that melted only with the sight of the knowing smile growing on my lips.

"I am yours."

The innocence of his expression disintegrated into a blank mask as I caressed him from within my the depths of my willing body, his fingers rhythmically enveloped, milked, and held in the strong, pulsing embrace of my love. A grim tension of insecurity washed over his brow momentarily afraid of the overwhelming sensation calling him to surrender himself so completely, but my fingers soothed away his fear. If he felt weakened in this exploration, I grew stronger under this touch.

"I want to show you something…"


	9. Discovery

**AN: This is the extension of Chapter 2, but it takes a much different voice to tell this part...hence it is a unique chapter. It is different... **

**AGAIN BE REMINDED THIS IS CLEARLY SEXUAL IN NATURE NOT GRAPHIC but still...avoid if you are so disinclined to such matter...but in fact...if you are still reading this post, I suppose you are interested.**

**AND Clearly there is interest...point of interest...in the first two hours that I posted this material, there were close to 1,000 hits and by the end of the day there were almost 1500, many listings as favorite story, author and alerts. **

**But sadly, few reviews.**

**I am interested in your human experience of the work, not just praise or 'hey, don't like your punctuation." So I would love to hear from you.**

**DISCLAIMER: This work is based on the characters of the Twilight saga, although...it may seem remote here! The innocence of their exploration I believe is still in character, even if the topic itself would never have made it through the editorial staff.**

* * *

"Edward, I want to show you something…"she said quietly, the intensity of her inviting chocolate eyes, misty with want, holding him gently in her sight. She smiled lovingly at the man who held her heart, who spoke to her soul and who's very being made hers meaningful.

"I want you to see what I feel."

Clarity of purpose was vital to the exploration she offered. Describing her experience of herself was the goal, not seduction; an extension of the exploration, within the ground rules he had established even if they had been readily discarded..

It was the power of the level of intimacy they had shared that created arousal. In taking over the direction of the experience she didn't intend to alter the original goal. She wanted to show him something inside himself.

His experience needed to be on his own terms, not trying to translate and extrapolate from watching her. She wanted more than anything to speak in his language and to reach beyond the places of his human sense blindness to a place they could share.

She held his slender hand and kissed the fingers that were still warm and fragrant with her scent. His eyes widened with awe as she curled them into a cup, burrowed her nose and inhaled deeply.

He toyed with the surrender he desired to accept. The fear that he felt was laced with the unknown and yet heady and irresistible to him. He did not flinch or pull away. He allowed himself to be taken into her experience. He was free.

"You see…," she began, faltering only briefly as a pang of indecisive thought flashed through her mind, laced with worry and wonder at his judgment, she paused. _How could she reveal this information without telling him something she had carefully hidden? She was not as innocent as he may have believed._

Yet, confidence is gentle and loving. If she would offer her soul and love with unconditional passion, she could bare that self completely.

She smiled a grin of mischief and delight that intrigued and fascinated him

"…well," she began again, with determination, looking away first, before connecting with his eyes.

"…I like it." His surprise was physically present.

"My scent, I mean. I like it too.." The secret made her bashful with the telling, but the telling was a gift she gave freely..

"...but...I'm different mixed with yours, now and…."He held his breath as he watched her eyes flutter as she explored the lasting presence she had made on his hands; her nose brushed his palm as she traced the route on his flesh. She murmured in her discovery, "…I am so different…it's so wonderful." The purring of her voice floated like the steam wafting still in the tiny bath.

He could not blink. He dared not breathe. The depths of pain in his obsidian eyes decried his lust, but not from thirst. There was pleasure in his pain.

She smiled at him in gratitude and pride for his reaction and his gift. There was no monster here. She was not afraid.

Her rosy lips, full with heat of arousal, simply parted and her wet warm tongue caressed them, preparing to enter a great unknown. Juices filled her mouth just as venom flooded his and they each swallowed in preparation for what was to home.

Holding him close to her, her tongue emerged slowly to touch his palm and sample the bounty of her essence present there. The endless wetness rushing to her mouth fueled the journey. Rolling slowly, lavishly, and creeping up from the crease of his palm to the tip of his finger; their eyes met. His permission secured, she took the tip into her mouth, swirled the edges of his fingernail to gather every drop, her teeth scraped his flesh, and she sucked gently flushing out the sweet juices, reborn anew in the abundant wetness of her mouth.

The experience was deep and heavy for him as he struggled to suppress the roar of pleasure building in his core at the sight and sounds of her exploration. His mind was there, swimming in the deluge, watching from within his own, and the exploration of her tongue in her own mouth.

She whispered softly, simply, without force or heat; without fear or shame.

"I like the way I taste, too."

She opened her eyes to meet his blank brilliance; accepting her gift of merely receiving, neither directing or projecting, nor requiring any plan or course of action. He graciously received her experience of herself. It was a gift she thought he would never allow, and yet, eagerly accepted.

"I like the way you make me taste."

He imagined her body reacting; how her arrousal, his gift to her, was arrousing still after the fact. He longed to capture it, this moment; to memorize the way her eyes darted as her body and mind searched for the specific accuracy she desired to share with him. To retain forever in his mind how playfully that soft pink tongue played on her teeth, pushing forward to part her lips again, peeking out briefly from that safe mysterious haven, as the strong pliant muscle caressed her teeth in discovery of her essence. How he wanted to be her tongue!

Realization of meaning rang through her. Through his powerful and heightened scent and touch lay the means to describe the experience of taste. She rejoiced knowing she could reach him and bring him to life.

"I am tangy and sweet—like the way moss swells up after a rain; how it is vivid green and teeming with life…earthy like loam, like in springtime, when everything is waking."

"I am textured—like toes playing on cool wet sand and the salt water drying in the sun on your legs"

"I am creamy and light—like the velvet petals of a red rose and lingering, like a long sigh."

He captured her face in his hands and kissed her, taking her essence, her complete essence into his body with knowledge vastly deeper than he could hav found on his own. The intensity of the kiss filled her with gladness for her gift had been received. She pulled him close and whispered in his ear.

"that's what I taste like…to me."

_In hindsight, I know how important and valuable for him…what maybe started out as a game is now so much more important. I can see his need to know these things. To know what I am like…what I sense, how I sense. The differences and the limitations of my senses isolate him for my human experience. His making took away the possibility of his. I realized, without his own frame of reference, his own understanding, in terms which related directly to him…he was alone, unable to share with me except as an outsider, and so is easily over helmed within the context of his hyper awareness. He may have thought that through experimentation and exploration he could be better prepared to please me and to protect me by lessening the intensity of that first intimacy by exposure, like an inoculation of a sort, but I think he is better prepared only because he was able to share my humanity by exploring my senses. I only hope that is what he found in our exploration._


	10. ARCHIVE NOTICE

A/N:

Okay…it is official. This story has been archived.

It appears in a rewritten form in the work,

"Ascension of the Morning Star" on this site, _Twilighted_, and _The Writer's Coffee Shop_.

I hope you come and check out how the story you have followed

is now a piece of the bigger novel-length tale.

Let me hear what you think!

Thanks for following along and being among the early adopters

who had a glimpse of the novel as it evolved.

Don't hesitate to start at the beginning because EVERY CHAPTER has been rewritten.

Here is the link to

"Ascension of the Morning Star"

You will find it as #1 on my profile!

ALSO Check out My ASCENSION Forum for lots of pix, additional bits, and behind the scenes stuff for Ascension!


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